How to Save a Life
by CodyRhodesFan
Summary: After a snorkeling episode, everyone had left Punk and Matt stranded alone in the waters when they were driven away from the sharks. Forced to be friends, their ‘friendship’ develops. SLASH. Matt Hardy/CM Punk. Requested by .NeonNero. C-C-COMPLETE.
1. Chapter One

**Okay, an angel by the penname of ****_xx. RyanNeroSkylerHardy. xx_ ****had requested a Matt/Punk fic by me and here it is! I had told her the idea and she assured me that I can make it dark. The lovable sweetheart. Here's the first chapter! Hope you enjoy it and anyone else whose reading.**

How to Save a Life  
Rated: R – themes; violence; romance  
Full Summary: After a snorkeling episode, everyone had left Punk and Matt stranded alone in the waters when they were driven away from the sharks. Now, they have to trust each other to stay alive, they are forced to befriend each other. Matt thinks that all Punk wants is to get revenge on Jeff and Punk feels as if Matt's going to trick him through it all so when their 'friendship' turns into a romance but they keep denying their feelings…oh, and the sharks are back.  
Genre: Angst/Suspense

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**Chapter One**

I hated snorkeling.

When I was a child, I always had a hate for the water after I had fallen into it the first time. The feel of the water plunging me down into the endless darkness that awaited me, it was horrifying just remembering those moments in which I thought I was going to die in because of drowning, feeling the water burn to the core of my brain as it pulled down even more and more, just horrifying. The water was clear, without a real color but sparkled in every color when the sun hit the water just right and I hated that feeling of my nose smothering as I stepped out of a local pool or an ocean.

I think I agreed to do this because I didn't want to be alone.

I hated being alone.

But it didn't matter much because truthfully, I was always alone on the inside. No one really knew me. No one wanted to be around me because I knew what I wanted and I had it. I'd always get what I want and people either envied me or hated me for my cockiness and arrogance.

Matt Hardy.

He was just another one of them.

The belt was mine and I'd known it. I knew that belt should've been mine and I wasn't going to give away something so precious to be easily and that was why I remained alone. But so be it. If they didn't like me, then why should I care? I cared anyone. A secret part of my head just wanted friends but I couldn't have any.

I pulled up a duffel bag on the boat that I and Matt were sharing and he started paddling as the others paddled.

The sun was shining bright.

Why did I feel so dull on the inside then?

The sky was gleaming blue.

Yet I only saw the color gray burning up in the sky.

My hand was touching the water, feeling how cold it truly was as the sun burning through my body, endlessly burning me until I was nothing. I turned my head only to see Matt staring around, enjoying the atmosphere that was around him, light and breezy as the hot floor burned our legs and toes.

"Ever snorkeled before, Punk? You seem…I don't know—_scared_."

He enjoyed saying those words.

I could feel my face tighten as I stared deeply into those scornful hard brown eyes and how I wanted to punch him in the face but we had all decided that this would be a delightful evening with no one getting hurt. I wasn't forced to come along but I didn't want to walk around an empty house, laughing to myself about how much of an idiot everyone was when I truly felt like the moron I was talking about.

"I'm not scared."

"Yes, you are. I can hear it in your voice."

"Fear isn't the same thing as nervous."

The laughter was still bubbling so furiously in his eyes. "Why would you be nervous, Punk? I mean you can swim, right?"

I didn't want to tell him that I couldn't. I didn't want to risk the embarrassment, the humiliation of him knowing that I didn't learn when I was young and I certainly didn't want to learn now so I nodded my head and the hard look that I knew was materializing inside my eye out of habit and he slowly nodded his head, both of our eyes never moving away from each other's faces.

I was already dressed in a scuba diver's clothing, a dark blue color, had a breathing tank and was now wearing flippers. I felt like a fish and I watched Matt, who was wearing black, which made his pale skin pop. We both assembled our masks and I looked down at the water, suddenly completely and utterly unsure.

Matt dived in and I took off my mask, staring at him as he moved around in the freezing cold water on this hot day. He took off his mask for a moment to talk to me clearly. "You aren't coming, you big baby?" he asked me.

"No. The water's freezing."

"Sure it is," Matt rolled his eyes as he pulled the mask back up and dove into the cold water and I was left alone once again in the boat just because I couldn't swim and I couldn't tell him so. I was afraid of his reaction. A thirty year old male who didn't know how to swim. It was horrifying.

I watched him move in the water and envy bit through my veins. I wanted to be able to swim. I wanted to be able to move through the cold water without a care but I couldn't. I lost my chance when I was younger and I couldn't make it up now. I laid my head on my shoulder and just then, I thought I saw a blue fin wander off into the water.

Horror reeled through me as I looked around and realized that the boats that used to surround us were gone.

Did they not notice that Matt and I were gone? Did they leave us alone?

I watched Matt's head bob out of the water when he noticed the object and he swam towards me, holding onto the boat's edge and I watched his eyes land back onto the blue fin that seemed to disappear.

"What—?" he began as we were thrown off balance when the shark went through the boat and I was left watching as the teeth clawed at the wood and my heart was pounding so fast and so loud—I thought I was going to die—I felt two hands around me and I could hear Matt's voice from behind me. "Even if you deserve this for what you did to Jeff, I can't watch anyone die."

He took me into his arms and we were thrown into the water and the weight of the terror that was pulsing inside of me made my arms wrap around his body, every inch of him, until he tried to reach upwards and when he did, he took a deep breath and looked around, his hands still wrapped around me, protectively, oh so very protectively as I looked around. Our boat was smashed to pieces. He led me towards a plank of wood and threw me on top, still staying in the water and scanning for the oversized fish.

I thought I was going to die today.

It was horrifying to know that your life could've changed in an instant. I looked around to scan for other boats but no, nothing.

Fear overtook me.

What if we never got home?

I would never let Hardy know that I was horrified, so very petrified, thinking that I can never go home, thinking that no one can ever see me ever again. He sat beside me and I saw my black duffel bag there and Hardy did what he did best. He went inside of the water and went off to get his red bag and mine, swimming and splashing water everywhere, he threw my bag with a force of hate on my lap and he sat up at the water, breathing and inhaling pure oxygen.

"You should've died and you know that."

I stared at him as I punched him in the stomach, making him hit me in the face and I wanted to hit him back but at that moment, I noticed how tired my muscles were and just scowled at him before I looked through my soaked bag to see my items still undamaged except possibly the electronics.

"Jeff, I need to call Jeff. You have a phone?"

"Yes, I have a phone but I'm not giving you so you can call that worthless piece of trash."

Anger blew up in his eyes, "that 'worthless' piece of 'trash' is my brother and if you don't give me the damn phone right now, I'm going to practically give you to that stupid shark. Give me the damn phone."

I unwillingly gave him my soaked phone, "here, Hardy. But consider this the last time I'm ever giving you anything."

I hated him with every fiber of my being, possibly as much as I hated his brother and I watched his cold face melt away into a look of concern as he asked that piece of Hardy trash if he was fine and if they had seen a shark, skipping to a short version of what happened and he kept on nodding his head even if Jeff couldn't see that and he ended the call with a quick 'love you, too' and gave me back my phone. "Got any food?"

"No way I'm giving you any of my food."

"Why not?"

"I give you access and by lunch time, we'll both be starving! Don't you have any of your own food?"

"Jeff carries around the food because he says that I finish it off fast."

"Exactly."

"How the hell are we going to get to dry land? I can't stand another minute with you." Matt spat out, acid in every word he said, as I stared deep into those hard brown eyes, watching moisture dab across his lips as he licked.

"How the hell should I know?" I snapped.

"Punk, I hate you."

"Like I love you," I sarcastically said, watching as Matt flopped on the plank and I looked around the water, and when I looked back at Matt, he was deep into his sleep and I heard my phone buzz as I brought the cold metal to my ear, feeling the coolness of it.

"Matt?"

Jeff Hardy.

"This is my phone, Hardy."

"Is he okay? I gotta know."

"Your brother's fine…but if he gained anymore weight, we'll both sink."

"Ha, ha," he dryly said, sarcasm burning in his voice. "Can you wake him up?"

"So he'll bite my head off? Not a chance. Where the hell are the rest of the boats?"

"I'm not on a boat anymore. We stopped halfway and we're on dry land. I'm socializing in a bar with everyone else."

"A _bar_?" I said, disgusted, thinking of all those drunken people throwing up on the floor and doing horrid things they won't remember just for a sweet sip of acid and acid knots twisted in my stomach as hard as ever. "You all left us alone? We could've been killed for all you can know! And why doesn't Matthew have a phone?"

"He doesn't do well with phones in a boat. And we didn't leave you alone. You lost our trail."

"I wasn't paddling! Your idiot son of a bitch for a brother was!"

"You don't talk about him like that!"

"I can talk to him however I want to talk to him." I snapped the phone shut before he can have a chance to respond, taking short and sharp breaths as I put my head on Matt's stomach, using him as a pillow because of his body fat, and I felt completely and utterly nauseous as I felt his hand wrap around my neck, smothering me as my feet glided on the edge of the plank, soaking in water.

I really hated snorkeling.

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**End of the first chapter. I hope you guys liked it! Review??**

**;) Sam**


	2. Chapter Two

**Sorry it took me so long to write this chapter. The chapters of these are naturally over 2,000 words so it takes me a while. I know that this side of Punk is different but it shows dominance. Let's hope I keep him that way throughout the entire thing. Lol. **

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****Chapter Two**

I hated Matt Hardy.

I seriously, _seriously_ hated Matt Hardy.

When I had arisen that morning _had we really been in this ocean for an entire day?_ I felt him move underneath me, running his hand through my hair lovingly and when he had seen that it was me, he basically fell out of the water, and his head reached to grasp a breath as I grinned darkly at him. A smirk crossed my lips just because I could smirk and he can't with all the water that he was spitting out, salty water that was burning at the tip of his tongue.

"I'm loving this," I said, seeing Matt scowl at me darkly as he jumped up the practically ruptured wood, water falling out of his clothing as he sat down on the wood, taking a soft, sweet breath as he grinned and me and threw me at the water and right then, I was instantly waving my arms around. I felt like I was going to fucking die and he was just sitting there, like I was just lying to him and I held onto his boot, lifting myself up and spitting out the water from his mouth.

Those few moments I had spent in the water was traumatizing, my head pressing against the flesh of his leg, as he grabbed onto my wrist, pulling me upwards, laying me down onto the boat's plank, running his fingers through my hair, the wet water falling towards the plank as he smirked because now, he could and I can't and I punched him hard in the stomach, making him slowly recoil from me as he spat out more water from his mouth, both of us exhausted and tired even if we had just woken up. At this time of the morning, I'd usually bathe and stretch, eat breakfast before he had gotten to the arena.

"You don't know how to swim. Jeff learned how to swim when he was 10 and I learned how to swim when I was 12. You're freaking 30 and you don't know how to freaking swim?!" Matt exclaimed, his laughter burning in the air but after a while, it subsided as I threw a bunch of cheat shots in his chest, "…I gotta teach you."

"You just made fun of me because of it and now, you freaking want to teach me? Oh great. I can just imagine you mocking me when I drown all over again," I snapped at him, acid burning in every one of my words and with meaning and his face softened but it was still hard, hard and rigid.

"And if you don't learn how to swim and the sharks come back, oh, you're so dead meat and I'm not coming back to 'save you' whenever," Matt spat out and he took a soft, sharp breath. "You're learning how to swim."

"Are you sure you're not doing this just to see me weak?" I retarded and we both stared at each other, his solid hard brown eyes lapping into my same brown eyes and the hate that consumed his eyes, it mirrored mine completely and in a moment, he had nodded his head and because of the certainty that lapped his eyes, I believed him. I knew that look in his eyes; I've had that look so many times before. "You're not going to tell anyone, are you?"

"That the world heavyweight champion can't swim?" he took joy into saying those words, almost to spite me, and he had let my hands ball into fists but I didn't hit him off the ruptured board of wood that we sleep on because that would mean that I was unprotected completely against the sharks that swam across the water. "Oh, don't cry, Punk."

"I'm not gonna cry!" I was ready to push him off the board but I didn't. I took soft, sharp breaths and I took him by his hair and brought his face close to mine, "if you're going to freaking teach me, Hardy, then do it."

"I need to eat first. Aren't you hungry? Oh, I forgot. You're all skin and bones, you little bitch," he insulted me, under his breath and I took my duffel bag, taking a bag of chips out of my bag, throwing it towards him and he ripped the bag into a minute and he bit through a bunch of chips, the hunger finally showing in his eyes as I sighed and pulled a wrapped sandwich from my bag, and biting through it only to taste the too much cheese and for a moment, I felt like I was going to choke.

And it didn't take long for the empty chips bag to float in the water and I nudged him, "no littering. Didn't you hear about water pollution?"

"Yeah, straight edge bitches are the leading cause of pollution itself," Matt responded and I pushed him violently but his hand was gripping onto the edge of the completely cracked, brittle wood and as I let my hand glide into my freezing cold water, numbing my hand completely. Matt sighed, the softest sigh falling out of his pouty pink lips—those soft lips—and I shook my head, trying to forget about those soft, delicate and subtle pink lips as I looked away. The heat was unbearable and was making me think of things I'd normally not think of it at all.

The colors were fading off in the sky, the usual blue sky was streaking with gray and was it just my head or was it always like this and I'd just noticed the darkness that roamed through the skies? My stomach knotted acids and I knew that something bad was going to happen as he slipped into the water, running his fingers through the flesh of my leg as he pulled me down.

"Hardy!"

I wrapped my arms around his neck, pressing him close to me. "Don't you dare let go of me."

"You're like glue. I can't even if I tried."

Matt sighed softly as he stared down at the water, and I used the time to wrap my legs around his waist, not wanting for him to be able to shake me off at all and as Matt's eyes widened, he threatened to choke me to my death and I wouldn't care. Just not drowning. Anything but drowning. He ran his hand down my back, his hand soaked and cold, but it was refreshing and in a moment, his hands took my waist and he was pushing me off and as my body detached from his, mine fell down towards the cold black waters that engulfed me within seconds and I felt the acidic water rush to my throat, plunging me out of breath as I thought I saw a body move towards me, his hands reaching out for me as he took me into his long, arms and gripped onto me, and we reached out, gasping for breath, spitting out acid water but our throats still ached from the water's engulf.

"That is why I never ever want to learn how to swim. I could've died back there," I snapped at him and it took him moments to consume my words but he didn't move to take me towards the cracked wood that we practically lived and sheltered in now. "I could've died," I repeated but instead of being more forceful, my voice was slightly lower but had the edge that always came with it.

Matt slowly nodded his head and sighed, "I know you could've died but if you don't learn, we're both gonna die because of you. I can't always come out rushing to rescue you, that has more risk of both of us dying than me teaching you how to swim so shut up and take what I'm giving you because the only reason I'm doing this is because I can't watch anyone die. Even if it was a jerk who deserved to be dead."

"Whoa, your words hurt me," I rolled my eyes as he let his hands go away so that I was gripping onto the wood again as I pushed myself up. "I don't want another lesson in swimming because I didn't learn a damn thing."

"You learned that if you angry me, I'll choke and drown you alive!"

"Look, Punk, I need you to be my friend, just for until we're saved because we need to get along, we can't go off trying to kill each other because that way, none of us is going to get out of here without a scratch," Matt tried to reason with me. "Punk, I don't like you either but this is the only way out of this mess in the safest way possible and I'm taking it," there was an edge in his voice.

"Fine," I huffed, not liking the idea one bit and he'd known it from the look in my eyes, "but I'm not liking it one bit, Hardy."

"Ditto."

We stared at each other for what felt like forever until I felt hungry again and we had to eat dinner, skipping lunch was normal for me but the famished, ravenous look on Matt's face told me that he wasn't and as he reached out for food, I threw him a chocolate bar and it was gone within seconds, and I laughed, staring at the chocolate stains that remained close to his lips, covering the pinkness of his mouth so I leaned down and let my finger take the chocolate out of his mouth and he licked it off, taking my finger and sucking on the remains of chocolate, making my stomach slosh with disgust as I took my hand away from him when he was done and dipped it in the water.

"How are we going to bathe?" he asked, and as the thought crossed my head, my heart let off a bomb, exploding bits and pieces everywhere, and a blush crept onto my face, flushing into pieces and I shrugged my shoulders, "you know, if it continues to go this way, with you unable to swim, I'd have to hold you when you bathe."

I nodded my head, realizing that and bit my lower lip, now suddenly wanting to learn as quick as possible yet when I looked down at the cool water, my stomach sloshed and I knew that I'd rather have Matt holding me when I bathed than trying to learn how to swim in the deadly water and that angered him. Why did this have to happen to me? Why didn't it happen to Jeff—? Just then I realized how much I despised the Hardy Boyz, how lucky they were to be so close and how I wanted to sabotage their relationship until it was nothing and now, that I had Matt's 'friendship' I can use it to my advantage, can I? I can make him want to be my friend. I can make him like me in the course of this time and then, I can sabotage whatever was reforming of the Hardy Boyz.

He reached into my bag to get anything else and I let him take another bar of chocolate and he had gobbled it up within seconds which left him smiling at me as I leaned back to brush the chocolate off his face, I didn't know why I was so addicted to brushing things off his face I didn't know but my hands were working themselves and I couldn't stop them and as I let bits of the chocolate off his face cling to the surface of my flesh, he took my hand and started sucking as he did before and that still was a disturbing image in my head and as the board rocked a bit because of a sudden wave, he fell on top of me, his body pressing against mine as he continued to suck the last remainders of the chocolate that clung to my flesh and by that time, he realized his position, quickly moving away from me as I stared at him, still too disgusted. "Just keep your body fat off me, Hardy."

That night, I assumed my position, my head on top of Matt's stomach as he snored and shook in his sleep and I didn't notice that yesterday because yesterday, I had almost fallen asleep instantly but thoughts were biting the core of my brain. Would we ever get home? I decided calling them but I wanted battery and credit just in case they were a real emergency and we needed to get to them fast and now, as my head laid on his stomach, all I could think about was how peaceful and serene the ocean was at night.

The normal clear blanket of the ocean was now black, with hints of beautiful color in them, purple, blue and a lot of yellow and the night was cold even if the morning had burned us to nothing and as I felt Matt move slightly away from me, I thought about taping him to the board but all in all, the panic still resided inside of my too empty body. What happened if we didn't get home? Will I live here forever? If I had a family and knew what love or friendship or the feeling of being alive was, I wouldn't have panicked but since I knew none of this, I did. I panicked because my life could be over any second now and I had no control over it. I hated not having control.

But everything was too out of reach.

Everything was out of control.

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**End of chapter 2. Unsure where this is leading to so even I can't tell you what's going to happen next. I'd sure love some reviews! We need more Punk/Matt fluff…though I can't pretty much write fluff…I'll try. That's what I got a Jeffy muse for. **

**X Sam. **


	3. Chapter Three

**There is a big shortage on Punk fiction. I must make some…soon. :P Yeah, I'm starting to be obsessed with Punky for some reason. Who won't be? He's such a cutie! And I don't own anything. I don't own WWE and I don't own _Degrassi_. I never even watched an episode of that show.**

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****Chapter Three**

Here it came. First day of trying to act like a friend to Matt just so I can show Jeff how much I truly despised him. First day of trying to bottle up the anger that resided through me as I watched those solid brown eyes slowly open to face the always blue and gray sky that was suffocating us. First day of trying to be sweet instead of sour and acidic. I just didn't want to do this but I wanted to see him break, like he deserved to break. "Punk?" he asked, lapsing me out of my thoughts. "What are you looking at?"

"You."

"I'm too beautiful to be looked at by the eyes of you."

_Beautiful? He's so gay!_ I was ready to pop my eyes out as my lip twitched and I found it hard to fake a smile, my smile was ready to break the moment I had formed it and I took a short breath to steady myself and my eyes were wide and open as I horribly had to watch that huge orange thick strap that laced his bright purple underwear pop against his low black pants and _oh damn, what is he? Cena?_ I found it too hard to keep that smile on my face. "Do you want to eat breakfast?"

"Offering?" Matt asked in confusion, rubbing the back of his neck, "Whoa, where is CM Punk and what did you do to him?"

_I'm right here, you damned demented bastard!_

"Nowhere. You said that we had to act like friends so I'm acting like a friend," I batted my eyelashes all so innocently and my smile was smeared easier now that my mouth was getting the hang of smiling at this nonsense and he chuckled as he took a sandwich from my bag and bit through the cheesy core of it before grinning childishly and I tried to find something sweet in that face of his, trying to find something to like in him. His face was bone pale and that seemed to be cute, right? His eyes were a chocolate color and who didn't like chocolate? I curled my tongue in my mouth to prevent from my laughing. What in hell's name was I trying to do? Why was it so hard to be his friend? Why was it so hard to just pretend to like him?

I tried to forget about him as I ate my own food and I tried to look away from his face but I couldn't because there was something about his face that I liked—his eyes? His mouth? A blush crept on my face and I hid it well with my hair and this was one of those times where I was greatly glad I had hair to cover up the humiliating color of my cheeks and when the fever had lessened, I let myself go back to eating tasteless food and I realized that I was running low and if we didn't hit dry land soon, we were going to starve out here but I didn't believe in the fact that we might never see civilization again because after all, someone had to care, right? The Hardy bitches needed to hold each other for comfort at these nights, didn't they?

I found myself staring into the water once again because I couldn't avoid the sight and how nauseated had I already felt? I looked back at Matt who was already done and was ready to jump in the water once again and I watched him as he dove in, the cold water rushing quickly and from here, he looked like he was freezing but he didn't seem to care as he reached out for a breath, a smirking grin on his face, "so Punk, you gonna get down here or what?"

I let one hand grip onto the wooden board as I let my reluctant body slowly fall into the icy ocean and I had to force myself from shivering and hugging myself for warmth as I stared at him, how could he handle this? He took a quick breath and I could feel the iciness of his breath and even if the sun was burning us to the core sitting down on that block of wood, right now, I was freezing to death. "Okay, I want you to dive inside to water, make bubble."

_What am I? Five? Making bubbles?_ I could do that, right? I held my breath as I let my head dip in the water, and I was already smothering as I spit out acidic freezing water and before I knew it, I was reaching out for the surface again—what the hell was all this? Why couldn't I do anything right anymore? Dammit! I ran my hand through soaked, knotted hair and stared at him as he laughed. "Stop it!" I exclaimed, trying to contain my rage and not punch his stomach.

"Punk, a two year old could make bubbles!"

I clenched my hand into a fist and I was so ready to punch him but I bit down my lips and tried to count to ten and even with no luck, the fire still burned, I pushed myself up towards the wooden board and he stared at me, laughing his bubbly laughter and I was just shocked that I stopped myself from hitting him. He sat beside me, and kicked the water with his feet, "so you're really gonna be my friend, huh?"

"Unfortunately," I bit down my lip once again, enough to draw blood as I tucked behind a strand of wet hair and curled my leg while the other dangled off the board and I heard the sound of my cell phone ring and I gave it to him because really, let's face it, who'd call me of all people? He took my phone and asked a quick "hello?" before he had given me the phone back and I pressed the cold metal against my ear. Who'd call me? "Hello?"

"Phil?"

Only two people called me Phil in the world and since the voice was female, I was guessing my mother. Since Matt's face was emotionless, I knew that she didn't surge on humiliating stories of my childhood and I was thankful for that.

"Hey, Mom."

"Where are you?"

"I'm stranded out in the middle of an ocean with a wrestler named Matt after a snorkeling episode but they're sending help and we're fine."

"Phil, you and your stories."

I rolled my eyes. Typical. "Fine, Mom. I'm not stranded out in the middle of the ocean and I'm not with a wrestler named Matt. I'm at home, drinking my fifth bottle of Pepsi, watching reruns of _Degrassi_."

"Now, that's the Phil I know."

"Mom…" I whined and regretted it when I saw Matt's face crumple with a wide trying to shuffle out his laughter grin and I twisted my head so I wouldn't drown him right now. "Why'd you call?"

She'd always call when she needed something. Just like the rest of my _loving_ family. I was truly sick of it but I had no other choice. "God, Phil, can't I just call?"

"You don't 'just call', what's going on?"

"…your father had a heart attack."

"W-what?" I stuttered, rage boiling over the desolation as I slammed my phone down onto the board and it shook Matt to realization that there was something wrong and I didn't realize I was panting from anger until now. Why was I so angry? _It's because you don't want to start crying_. Like that was going to solve anything. I needed to be there. I looked over at Matt and God, I was so ready to hit him but that would be as useless as crying. Just going to make everything worse since I hit him and I wouldn't want to say why exactly.

"What's wrong, Punky? Someone throw away your Pepsi or something? Aww, poor Punk," and I had to ball my hands into fists, clench them tight, to prevent myself from destroying him bit by bit right now as I let my chest flare. My father was sick and my mother wouldn't believe that I was actually isolated alone in the ocean with Matt Hardy and if I didn't show up, she'd never forgive me. I—how was I going to get out of here?! I couldn't prevent myself from punching Matt in the stomach, as hard as ever, so hard that he had almost fallen in the water from the impact and surprise of that punch. "What the hell did you do that for?! Some friend!"

"Look, I was upset! I didn't mean to do what I did-"

"And I'm the queen of England!" he exclaimed, with fury burning into every fiber of his body and I could feel it too and suddenly, everything and anything was burning us both to the core and it took all of our energy just not to start tackling each other into the water and I just knew that from the look on his face. "From now on, I'm not talking to you!"

"Neither am I."

I crossed my arms and locked the other way, seeing something in the water, I panicked and just then I realized that if I couldn't go two minutes without talking to that fat idiot, how will I go days? And what about my family? I shook my head, running my hand through my hair and I placed my head on his stomach when he was asleep since there was no other space and I couldn't find anywhere else to put my head. Plus, he made a good pillow and just then, I realized how much I needed a blanket so I did what I did. I took off my t-shirt and pressed it towards my chest, smelling the slight stench of it reminded me that I needed to bathe, soon. And that was when I remembered that he had to shower along with me and my stomach cringed in disgust and revolution. I couldn't stand the sheer thought of him touching me when I was so exposed and naked. It was just disgusting and disturbing. I slept with unusual interruption.

Just thinking that my family was in pain and I wasn't there with them just made me sick to the bone. Yes, the unafraid, unfeeling, cold CM Punk had a heart. Yeah, I was scared for them. And yeah, no one would've guessed—but it was how I felt and I couldn't shuffle it out as hard as I tried. It was painful to think that I couldn't help my family. It was painful to think that I might die out there myself. Why did I care? They'd never care, would they? So why did I care so much?

In the middle of the night, I noticed just how his hand was on my back and in some way, I had to imagine it was my brother's as he stroked my back. I was ready to sleep. I was ready to do the Go to Sleep on myself. I was tired and sleepy and I still couldn't fall asleep. This was too much. I felt his hand brush wrap around my neck and I held onto his oversized hands, playing with his fingers because it was all I could do. I needed a distraction. I needed to think of anything, just anything else.

I heard a grunt coming from him and I watched his face crumple in pain. "Jeff…" he needed to go home, too I guess. Even if it was for a bitch who didn't deserve anyone around him. I was too tired to bash Jeff Hardy and I used to never get tired of it all. When will it all just stop? When will I actually get home? When did I get so emotional?

When I felt him nudge me, I knew he was awake and as I looked at those tired heavy eyelids, I thought he was kind of adorable in his own kind of strange beauty and that smile that plastered on his face was just too hopeful. "So when did my stomach become a pillow?" his voice was soft, "and when did I become a personal blanket?"

"Shut up, Hardy," there was an almost playful tone to my voice.

After all, when you needed a distraction, you'd do anything to get it and now that I had mine, I wasn't going to let it go very easily.

* * *

**I seriously don't know if I hate or love this chapter. Go figure. I don't know. **

**X Sam.**


	4. Chapter Four

**After writing Chapter Three, I was forced to write Chapter Four. Okay, maybe I wasn't forced but God, I wanted to so bad! :) **

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****Chapter Four**

In the morning, we both pretended that last night didn't happen because it didn't. I wasn't weak and I wasn't fragile and I wasn't folding his arm onto me like a blanket because I wasn't and I wasn't using his stomach like a pillow because I wasn't—I just wasn't. Repeated, last night did not happen. I was not warming up to him and we were still enemies no matter what and I watched as he ran his hand through his mass of ringlets and a question fell out of his mouth. "Are we going to bathe right now?"

"No," I instantly flushed, letting my hair cover the pink undertones of my face, thinking of him bathing with me was just disgusting, too disturbing and right now, as the sun burned me to life and alert, I let my eyes scan and search for something, anything, but found nothing. No sharks. No fishes even. Just a clear, lucid coast. "Should I get you some breakfast?"

He shook his head, "if we keep eating so frequently, we're going to lose all our food fast and I have no time to go fishing around, especially when we don't have supplies to cook and fry them."

That disgusted me even more than the thought of bathing with Matt, the thought of eating a raw fish just to survive and I didn't want for this horrible week to end anything like that and it was only three days out there but it was a horrible three days and we didn't know if we were going to survive. I could see it in his eyes, masked underneath the forced shield of carelessness, there was fear. There was a lot of fear in his eyes and truthfully, I was just as afraid as he was. I tried to forget the thought as I took a dry CM Punk Hardcore t-shirt from my bag, letting the cloth of a dry t-shirt overwhelm me with gratitude. I just felt like I was at home by the scent of my shirt, scents of cigarettes (because of excessive smoking in the WWE, they do not know what it means to try and quit), Pepsi, and a hint of that cologne that everyone hated and I wore purposely just to annoy them.

There was potential for our deaths out here and I knew that I wanted to go home to my parents and he needed to go home to his bitch. We had families and lives but I envied him. That bitch of a brother of his was probably crying his eyes out, daily, nightly and my family didn't even acknowledge my existence and even so, I still cared. Maybe that was the way I worked, maybe the more that people hated me, the more I took a liking to them and with that thought, I realized just how much I had grown attached to Matt even if I "despised" him and what if the same change happened in Jeff? The worse that people mistreated me, the more attached I get. The realization of this sickened me to no end as I wrapped my arms around my stomach. "Matt?"

"Yeah?" he asked me, with humor in his chocolate eyes.

"Let's skip the 'I know this is a weird question but I need to know' intro and I'm asking you straight up, you think I'm somehow attached to the people I hate the most?"

He seemed to be in thought before he slowly nodded his head and bit down his always bitten down lips and I guessed he had the same habit as me and the more I noticed these things, the more I realized that I also noted these strange things about every one of my enemies, like I'd always note that when Jeff was outside of the ring, he'd rather drink than smoke, and that made me even more attached, didn't it? Matt quickly nodded his head, "when you and Jeff were fighting, I reckon that when Jeff was talking, you'd always come in and whenever Jeff even remotely said anything, you'd always have a point against it."

I nodded my head, digesting the information that I suddenly knew was completely and utterly true, without a doubt against this all.

"Now my turn," Matt said, wrapping his head to the back of his neck together as he flopped down onto the board, "same question. But towards me. Do you think I'm more attached to the people I hate or not?"

"You're pretty attached to your brother and I don't think that you hate him…or do you?"

His eyes widened as he sat up and he shook his head with pain sparking into his eyes, "no! Don't even think that! I made that damn mistake once and everyone starts doubting me! Typical!"

"Look—"

He shook his head and grabbed me by the wrist and suddenly I saw the anger that was shielded beyond the pain, "why the hell did you think that, you kinky slut? What—?" I rapidly realized how sensitive he was about the subject but it didn't give him the right to touch me like that and as I tried to rip my hand away from him, he only gripped it tighter, restricting blood flow from my wrists.

"Let go of me!" I shouted at him, annoyed at his abuse to my wrists, and I was ready to push him away but I stopped myself and took a quick breath, trying to calm down this igniting fire inside of me and more and more fuel was burning in that fire with every breath I took. Why should I be patient with him? I pushed him off the wooden board and since he was unprepared, he was spitting water and didn't know how to control his body and I watched him as he regained control, spitting water and grabbing onto me, us both tackling ourselves in the water, and the endless blackness was starting to scare me completely and I finally let my hands wrap around his neck as he reached for the surface and when we were there, he started to grab me by my wrist again, squeezing my blood out of my hand. "STOP, YOU PIECE OF—!"

He jerked me towards the board, throwing me on top, the soaking clothing of us both drying off quicker when we were together because of our body heat and that was when I noticed that the now soaked cloth of my t-shirt was stuck in the zipper of his bathing suit, and I impatiently tried to pull my shirt out and as both of us worked to get the cloth of my t-shirt out of his zipper. My hands firmly on his shoulder as he told me to stay still so that he can take the piece of cloth off, when we had finally gotten the zipper to let go of my cloth, it was so sudden that I fell on the board and my hands wrapped around his neck and that was when I noticed how close we were, both of our soaked bodies not daring to move and the hot breath of his on my face, and I couldn't tear my eyes away from those eyes of his. Chocolate eyes. Beautiful.

What the hell was I thinking? I pushed him away from me and the silence suffocated us. I didn't say anything else. I couldn't say anything else. Not for a while. Then I said those words, those painful acidic words that were rolling too easily off the tip of my tongue, "why the hell did you touch me like that? You had no right to treat me the way you did, Hardy."

Matt stared at me and nodded his head, admitting his mistake and that was what shocked me, "yeah…I know that I wasn't supposed to overreact like that but it's a touchy subject for me. He's my brother. I love him and I'm away from him. You know how it feels to have something so close to you just suddenly ripped away?"

"No," I snapped at him. "No one cares about me and I don't care about anyone."

But I wanted to.

I wanted Mike to care about me. I wanted my parents to care. I wanted to care about someone. I wanted to have to take care of something. I wanted someone to rely on me. I wanted to rely on someone.

"What about love?" he asked me.

"I don't love anyone and no one loves me. That's just it. Why should I believe in love? It doesn't exist."

He shook his head and laughed at me, slight humor in sad, hard eyes and that slightly angered me but I didn't have enough energy to fight with anyone anymore. I didn't think he had any energy left either. "Everyone can love, Punk."

"Please, I'm begging you not to sound like a cliché drama story."

"Maybe that's just life—a cliché drama story."

I nodded my head and stared down into the open water and it was darkening and now, that the waters look peaceful and Matt was lying on his back as I placed my head on top of his chest, feeling his soft and steady heartbeat and he was running his fingers through my hair, and right now, we didn't have enough energy to fight. It was so stupid. When the sun would go away and darkness would fall, we were different. It was almost as if something was calming as down, something that soothed me, something that prevented us from clawing each other's brains out.

He ran his hand through the greasy hair of my roots, and I snuggled deep into his chest, the scent of his suddenly intoxicating as the thick, cold night air rushed through us and no words were uttered out of my mouth. "You wanna take a bath?" Right now, a bath sounded relaxing and as we slipped into the water, his hands onto me as I stripped my shirt in front of him and right then, his eye twitched.

"You don't mind doing this?"

I shook my head, "no…I mean, you know how I look like."

"I never saw you completely naked."

"Just bare with me for a minute. I mean, I know it's sorta disgusting holding a guy but just for a moment—if I was Maryse or Maria, you would have no trouble," I saw a smile form on his lips and I realized right then that that smile was sort of uncertain. Did that mean that he didn't like the girls or was he denying the notion of being disgusted to touch my body? I didn't know and the other one seemed to be too unrealistic as I took off my swimsuit, one of my hand draped on his shoulder, as I let the large piece of fabric fall onto the board and the feel of my naked body touching the water again—it was almost liberating. I felt free again. Like there was no limits but when I felt Matt's hand run across my side, my breath caught in my throat. "You don't wear underwear?"

I didn't say anything else. I wasn't in the right mind when I had first come for snorkeling and I wasn't going to embarrass myself trying to answer his questions as I let the cool water bathe me and then I felt Matt pull me inside of the water with him before pulling me out, quick but the water was still dripping from my face. "Stop that!"

"Stop what?" Matt pulled me in and out again, quick and refreshing, "stop this?"

"Yes!"

He pulled me in and out, in and out and I finally wrapped my arms around his neck to force him to stop and he finally did, chuckling to himself as he laid me on the board and as my flesh brushed against his, I realized how awkward it had became and I struggled to wear my swimsuit again, looking for my bag for my other dry t-shirt and wearing it as quickly as I could.

Both of our bodies rubbing against each other. "Punk?"

"Huh?"

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Matty."

In his arms, I fell asleep. The night was so serene. And even if I was stressed out, even if this was all messed up, I finally felt like I was breathing.

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**I just loved the ending. :)**

**X Sam.**


	5. Chapter Five

**It's kinda creepy writing in CM Punk's POV. Seriously. You should try it. **

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****Chapter Five**

That morning, my phone ringing was the only thing that had broken the silence between us. Matt had taken the phone from me and started talking to his brother, Jeff, and the Hardy bitch was probably bawling his eyes out without Matt being there to hold him and comfort him on those long, cold and lonely nights and all I could do was roll my eyes at my thought but I couldn't help but feel that pang of jealousy at the pit of my stomach. He had Jeff and I had no one.

He took care of Jeff, watched him grow up, with love for him, and I, I had nothing. I had no real loving memories with my family and that was what hurt. Matt was lucky and I wasn't. I wasn't lucky at all.

There was a piercing sound that had made me want to jump.

"I HATE HIM! I HATE THAT FUCKING BITCH!"

Matt shoved the phone back into my duffel bag, and stared at me with hate, not hate for me, hate for Jeff and in some odd way, that was attractive. The darkness that was overtaking his eyes, the willingness to do anything just to break Jeff into pieces, I could relate to that. For once, Matt Hardy wasn't so bad.

I gripped onto Matt's shoulder, feeling him breathe out. "You think that I'm in love with him? Hell, I hate him, too."

"Why do you hate him so much?" Matt rasped out and I didn't even know his reason but the words had slipped out of my mouth too easy. I knew why I hated him. I had a reason. It wasn't like that hate just because he didn't like me I didn't like him thing. It was too different for that.

"The bitch doesn't know how to take care of himself. He spends his life taking pills and drinking alcohol just because he doesn't want to face the pain."

It was sickening.

Matt's eyes fluttered and flickered, "and you face the pain?"

"I don't just face the pain. I drown in it. I hate it. I always fucking feel it!" I screamed and I didn't know how to stop myself. It hurt. It hurt so much. The words that were coming out of my mouth made my throat ache. "DAMMIT, WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME?! Why do I fucking have to be straight edge? I want to be numb to the pain, too. I want to take a drink too but-I can't risk being like him—I want the pain to go away…" my head was pounding so hard.

"I thought you weren't weak." Matt had responded and that had shocked me to death. I had just poured my heart out to him and he pretended like those words didn't mean anything and I slammed my fists down onto the board as I stared straight at him. "What did I do?" he asked.

"You fucking don't care that I poured my heart out right now? This is why I don't 'open up' to anyone! Everyone thinks that just because I have feelings I'm weak!" I said and he stared at me, stared straight at me as I clutched my stomach and I was ready to throw up from the thoughts. My nauseated body was burning as hard as ever and my eyes were holding back stupid tears. It hurt. It hurt so much.

"You have feelings?!"

I punched him straight in the stomach making him cringe in pain and we were both silent without another word coming out of our mouths. I was just so ticked off, I was just so angry at everyone, every fiber of my being burning me on the inside and I hated everyone in this fucking world. Everyone took advantage of me. Everyone hated me and I hated everyone. It was just too much for me.

I poured my heart out and he called me weak.

I tried to be a person; I ended up getting hurt too much.

I shouldn't be anyone's friend. I was toxic and they couldn't drink all of me without burning too. They were all toxic to me and even the smallest sip made me burn into nothingness and I was too empty. Nothing inside of me but that echoed voice in my head that told me I wasn't enough.

I wasn't.

I fucking wasn't.

Night fell and I was still staring at the sky when I felt his hand glide towards my cheek, pressing it so hard that I couldn't help but look into those eyes of his that were burning with pain and disgrace. "Hey, I know I should've have done that—except that Jeff ticked me off so hard-"

"Get away from me. I won't forgive you just because you pretend to be nice for another two minutes before you start shouting at me again." I said and I meant every word that fell out of my mouth. I was hurt too much. People just saw the opportunity to make the great CM Punk suffer and they took it. They forgot that he wasn't numb. That he had emotions too but I guessed that at some point, I even thought I was numb.

Why do people love to make me suffer?

I was a human just like everyone else.

I didn't deserve this.

Did I?

That hurt.

That hurt too much to think that I deserved to suffer. That I deserved to be tortured senselessly because of a few things I did in the ring. He hated me, too and he did things to me too. But everyone was on Jeff fucking Hardy's side anyways because he was just so innocent when he stood there with cocaine being in his head as he talked to me. He was _so_ inspiring.

He inspired me, dared me, to do things to him.

I did.

I hit him.

Slammed him to the mat so many times but he kept coming back and I made sure that he was gone because no one stepped in my way and I didn't step in anyone's way.

And that was my way.

CM Punk's way.

"Please, Punk," he was guilty and I could hear it in his voice, "I'd do anything to try and get along. We might be out here a while-"

That hurt even more. The thought of it. My father had just had a heart attack and I was still stuck here, unbeknownst to my mother that I had been telling the truth. I needed to go home. I had to make them think that I cared and I did care. They just wouldn't believe me. Even my own family thought I was numb to the pain they inflicted on me.

"—and I didn't want us to be fighting. Please."

I stared into his eyes and he said those words that made everything worthwhile. "I'll help you destroy my brother when we get home," the next part made it even all the more worth it all. "I'll be your lackey."

Yes, be my bitch.

I stared straight at him, with no more words coming out of my mouth or his, "fine, Hardy. I'll let you be my bitch."

That made him flinch slightly when I used the term so bluntly but he'll get used to it. I know he would because I already did. I got used to see that face plaster in pain and confusion. I could used to his face burning with horror and terror and I was just happy that I could see the desolation and agony in his body.

Those words hurt me.

I cuddled inside of Matt's body as he ran his hand through my hair and I wanted to push him away but I had no energy as my throat burned and my body laid completely and utterly tiredly and despairingly.

He kissed my hair and my body was burning with a fire as the cold air burned inside of me and the silence of the ocean ignited a fire through both of us. Matt took off his t-shirt and wrapped me around it and I realized just how much he was sorry right now as he kissed my forehead and left me to sleep.

It felt strange.

It felt almost…

_Loving_.

But no one could love me.

No one cared about me…

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**How is it? I know this chapter is slightly short but it's all I gots for now. The next chapter will be better! :)**

**X Sam.**


	6. Chapter Six

**Time to twist things. ;)**

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**Chapter Six**

That morning, I sat on the board and there Matt was, as naked as he was, bathing in the water and I was shocked by the paleness of his skin and God, I wanted to touch it. It looked soft but I shook the thought away. I wasn't gay but the skin itself was appealing, the color that was burning as he paddled in the water, the coldness was taking him, plunging him as he smiled and jumped in the water, playing around and having fun with the cold water that seemed to amuse him.

He swam towards me, and seeing him naked like this seemed like the most natural thing ever and as he let his head sit on my lap, as he batted those innocent eyes, my heart sank in my stomach as he laughed his bubbly laughter.

No.

I can't take a liking to him.

I can't put myself weak so that the rest of the world can laugh at me. The almighty CM Punk shouldn't show a sign of weakness, even just yesterday, he had laughed at me as I held back true tears of pain and still, I felt like I was holding back tears on the inside even if I wasn't.

It was hard living this way when I knew that the rest of the world expected ruthlessness for me and I wanted to be kind but the world told me that it was cruel to be kind so it meant that it was kind to be cruel, right?

No.

The confusion was killing me.

Matt's eyes were looking at my skin, "since we're staying here a while, I want to get to know you…you can't swim. You're straight edge and—what about your family? Since you know that my mother died when Jeff and I were young and we were raised by our father. What about your family?"

"They don't care about me. I don't care about them. See a cycle here?" I snapped at him, feeling as if he was getting slightly too personal in my life. We weren't fucking dating for him to know these details but this was how friends were…I think? I had no friends, how should I know.

"Besides swimming, what else can't you do?"

This was stupid. This was so damn stupid. I stared at him, nodding my head as quickly as ever, "I can't dance. My brother wanted to teach me. He was like a dancer and said it helped him pick up some chicks but no…I can't dance."

"Really?" Matt's voice was playful.

I stared into those eyes as he took me by my shoulders and dipped me in the water so I could be with him, both of our bodies pressing against each other as I reached out for him, ready to try and not suffocate myself as he laughed and pulled me close to him and somehow, this feeling I had at the pit of my stomach, made me feel as if this was right when it was just stupid.

"We should dance."

"Are you serious?! We're in the water!"

Matt nodded his head, putting his hands on my shoulders and I reluctantly remembered those classic cliché movies and put my hands around his waist and we looked into each other's eyes and how I just wanted to go away right now. This was stupid. This was all too stupid.

And I was doing this stupid thing.

It only meant that I was stupid, too.

What else was new?

He started dancing around in the cold water, both of us burning into the coldness of the world around us, and then in the middle of it all, I didn't know what made him do it and I didn't know what made me stand here and take it but he leaned down and kissed me, kissed me hard and I just stared as I pulled off.

"You-you're _gay_?"

He slowly nodded his head, "is that a problem?" he asked me, running his hand through my hair and the loving touch made me suddenly sick on the inside as he ran his hand through my side, the warmth of us just making me burn on the inside, and I was burning into nothingness.

"Let go of me!"

I was flushed, completely and utterly cherry red.

"Why are you blushing?" Matt asked me as I swung my legs towards the board and brought it as close to me as I could as I ripped away from his arms, being on the board, breathing and breathing and suddenly, the feeling of finally breathing went away and I was lunging for breath.

"You saw me naked and you're gay!"

It was like a girl stripping towards her friend and two days later, she woke up and was in bed with her 'friend'.

It was like betrayal.

A feeling I knew too well.

It hurt to know that you were played around like you had no fucking feelings and I should know. I've always been played around with and that was why I never acted weak because if I acted weak then they'll smother me with kisses and pretend they love me and then when I truly did need them, they'll break me.

They always did.

I could never love because I didn't want to love.

I could never care because I didn't want to care.

Because those two feelings hurt.

And I didn't want to be in that type of pain anymore…I didn't want to love someone and see them break in front of me and I didn't want to fall in love with someone and see them die in front of my eyes.

I knew that feeling all too well.

I don't want to love anyone anymore and I was stern with my thoughts.

"Phil, please!" now, he was calling me by my first name, my weakness, it made me feel human and vulnerable but I wouldn't give in and I wouldn't look at that apologizing smile that I knew would be on his face and I wouldn't look into those chocolate brown eyes because I didn't want to melt in them and see something that I truly sympathized with. He was supposed to be my bitch. Not me. I wasn't supposed to be his little bitch. This was all too wrong.

It should be the other way around.

He dressed into his clothing and I knew that just by the sound of his bag zipping and when I felt his hand on mine as he flopped up towards me but I couldn't look at him. I didn't want to see those eyes. I didn't want to see his face and if I could've swam, I would've swam a thousand miles away from here.

I felt exposed. He knew what I looked like underneath all of this clothing, he knew what I looked like and he ravished on that vision of me and him being together and he betrayed me. It just hurt.

Stabbed me in my heart.

Too much pain.

I didn't want to feel anything anymore. Everyone betrayed me and that was why I didn't have friends. Everyone hurt the destructive uncaring CM Punk and they didn't look back to see the ruins they would've made. If Matt and I had been on dry land, he would've just left me hanging there for years on end before we ever talked again and if we did talk, it will be made of screaming but since we were trapped outside here together, he had no option of running away.

So feeling him as he pressed his hand on my own, touched me, made me feel the coldness of his wet hand and I couldn't handle it. My eyes locked against his and there was sorrow there. My next hateful emotion. He was sorry for the little Phil boy he betrayed. Oh so cliché but I wasn't going back to him. I was jumping in his arms and crying. I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of seeing me weak again if he didn't respect me like he should've.

He rubbed his hand against my cheek and I twisted my head away. "I'm not gay. Leave me alone. I don't want you around anymore."

And before another word can come out of his mouth, both of our bodies fell into the water, and we could see the white body move in the water and we knew that the sharks were back and now, we could see two and as he held onto me, reaching out for the surface as he tried to swim away and in the middle of it all, he stopped, searching back and it seemed silent, too silent and we thought it was safe as he swam towards the board and got our bags, swinging them on his other shoulder as I held onto him and before we could swim away again, I felt the shark's sharp white teeth dig into my arm and before I knew it, I was being pulled down inside of the water.

"PUNK!"

He swam in after me and I could see in this burning vision that the other shark was threatening to bite him too, following him but Matt was a fast swimmer and he ripped me away from the shark's grasp but the pain of that one bite still resided in me as the other one bit my other arm, causing Matt to swim faster as I kicked at the shark from underneath me, causing Matt to rip me away once again, the pain throbbing and the water smothering us, we reached for the surface and right now, he was swimming away and after what seemed and felt like hours and hours of silence, we finally reached a place with a pile of rocks all together and it was enough to support our weight for now as he placed me on top of the rough patch and I stared at him as he pulled himself next to me, both of our eyes staring at each other, both of us just fucking traumatized as he pulled our bags too and he searched for something to slow down the pain and bleeding of my arms but he found nothing. One arm looked horrible and the other one just throbbed too hard and looked too ragged.

I breathed in and out, trying to shuffle the water that I swallowed along the water, feeling as if salty acid was scratching against my throat and I looked down at Matt who was resting his head on a huge rock and now, we both had to sleep on rocks, both stranded out of nowhere and we weren't even moving and we knew, just knew, that if we needed dry land, we had to step out of this place and search for it and I was being a burden on Matt, he had to carry me around everywhere, I made it hard for him yet in some way, he deserved it after taking advantage of me.

Oh, I didn't know.

I just wanted to go home…

**Every review is appreciated.**

**X Sam.**


	7. Chapter Seven

**I'm glad that some of you are learning to like the pairing. Or ignore it. Either way, you're all sweethearts! =3**

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**Chapter Seven**

We were both tired, tired as hell and we couldn't really breathe and we were waiting for help, both on the rocks and he was holding onto me, trying to see my cut and check if we needed to go to the hospital, not like that would save us and when he unwrapped his bandage and I tried to look away but those bloodied cuts were hurting me even more now that I could finally see the pain and the cuts were haunting me. The shape that drowned me silently and without disinfectants or anything, I was in risk for infections. He wrapped his arm around my waist and brought me as close as he could've and that was when I remembered that he was gay and my stomach was nauseating me and I slowly moved away from his touch.

I was going to die around here.

Seeing and reseeding those cuts on my arms, what if the sharks come back and we were going to get eaten into pieces? We had no other choice than to try and survive, and it hurt me as hard as ever to know that I was dying right now, with no reason to live I wanted to be alive because I wanted to find a reason to feel and be alive. I was always dead and I didn't want my life to end. I was afraid of the afterlife I was going to have, the Hell I was going to reside in.

"What are you thinking of?" Matt asked me, running his hand through my waist and I had no energy to push him away. I was still spitting water out and he knew this all too well, that I didn't want to argue, that I had to energy left in my tiny empty body and he ran his hand down my waist in an even softer manner and it almost felt right.

"That I'm going to die out here," I said, finding no use to lie and cover up my carelessness because these were my thoughts and besides anything, I was still going to have these painful suffering thoughts that were going to torture me senselessly and his body was pressing against mine.

"Why so sad?"

"Because I fucking have no love life! Or a real life! Or anything! Damn me!" I snapped at him, moving slightly away from him now that I had this spark of igniting fire inside of my cold, empty body.

"I know. Sometimes, you just want to scream at everything, make it all stop…"

Both of our eyes locked.

Both of us understood each other in this crazy, mismatched way and that seemed to be enough for us, wasn't it? I felt as if that was all that mattered right now. We were the only ones in the world. We had a limit and we were suffocating under that limit. We were breaking and hurting on the inside and there was nothing that could make us feel any better.

The words that came out of my mouth had meaning.

"You're desperate, aren't you? You're desperate to fall in love and you'd do it with just anyone? Even if it was a complete jerk," I said, and he lifted my chin, locking my eyes with his once more and I got lost into the ocean of his eyes, drowning into the essence of him and I looked away while he gripped onto his shoulder sweetly. "You're fucking weak, aren't you?"

"I'm weak, Punk. I do not fucking care! At least I'm not as lonely as you!"

That hit me. Hard. We were both lost into this darkened world and we were making it harder on each other because I can't be a good friend and he can't look at me without imagining my clothes being off and-and-

It hurt.

My voice was rough and thick, "I'm not lonely!"

Matt's hard brown eyes hardened even more as he bit down his lower lip as he gripped onto my shoulder and this all hurt me and both of our bodies were entangled with each other and he kissed my tousled, ruffled hair. "Denial won't help you right now. I know what I want and I want to fuck you."

Those words banged me hard and in moments, he tackled my mouth, kissing me as hard as he could've, twisting my tongue with his and he threw off my shirt and he pulled it towards my duffel bag and he bit down on one of my necks, sucking my neck as his arms were wrapped around my waist as I stared at him, unable to comprehend what was going on but tonight, he wasn't my slut. I was his slut.

He took my black hair, pulling my hair into a ball as he kissed me as hard as he could have, once and once again, his hand running across my waist and I was so nervous and I wanted to stop but what was the point? What was the point of stopping right now? He took off my pants and pulled that into my bag too as he ran his hand down my back, the softness of his flesh, and he pressed his lips hard to mine again, both of our tongues entangling as he dove in for a breath and in those few minutes, he took off his clothes, pulled them into a bag and I closed my eyes, trying to imagine someone else, trying to think of anyone else as his hand stroked my cock.

He pulled himself towards me, holding my shoulders, kissing my neck, his hand gripped onto the hard organ and I grunted as he relaxed and in moments, he was pushing inside of me, hard and quick, shocking me at the pain of it all but the pleasure that was seeping through had made up for it and more and this was the first time I've ever been touched by a guy and as he pulled out. I cringed. We were both all alone but even then, I wished that someone would just find us. I'd rather face the humiliation than the thought of sleeping in this cold ocean another night and as Matt was thrusting in and out of me, slowly and painfully and it wasn't fast until I was coming and seeing me come, made him come too, hard inside of me.

I was panting and I didn't even know it. I rolled to his chest and all I could remember was that I had fallen asleep before he could say another word and in the middle of the night, I felt another type of skin press against me and I just woke up but I realized that that our skin was actually the thick cloth of his shirt over his diving suit and I realized that I, myself, was dressed.

"We're both weak, aren't we?"

I didn't care about being weak so I nodded my head. I just wanted to feel and be normal and I thought that pretending that there was someone else when he fucked me wouldn't make it all better. I could see it from his eyes that he had developed some sort of attachment to me and I couldn't have that.

I couldn't have him falling in love with me.

Because I don't feel the same way.

I can't be gay.

No, I had disgraced my family enough by becoming this new dark person and I could remember my father's face as Mike told him that he was gay, the way his face crumpled, the way he stared at him as if Mike was a disease and he used to love Mike but me, I wasn't even to his liking so telling him that I was gay would just make him look at me in the same way he looked at Mike.

I almost felt like he was going to hurt me just because I might be interested in a boy.

I can't fall in love with a boy.

I can't love him at all.

He was just a boy.

He was nothing more…

Yet his face, his eyes, his hair…no, don't think about him that way. He was caring after all and he would understand that I didn't need him like he did and he would understand that I didn't want him in the same way that he wanted me. I was his drug and he wasn't mine. This was just too confusing.

This would hurt him.

Crack him under pressure.

And for some reason, I was caring about how he felt towards me right now, and I couldn't hurt his feelings. I couldn't make him think that I was just a cheap slut that had no feelings even if I truly did feel as if I was a prostitute.

He kissed me, sweet and sugary.

The taste of his mouth was enough to make a chocolate bar bitter and at that moment, we realized how hungry we were as he pulled himself in the water and stared at me. "Can you wait here without me for a second?"

I nodded my head.. I can't depend on him all the time and I watched him as he dipped in the water and swam away and my body was shaking as I tried to fall asleep. Slowly, I let my eyelids drop as hard as ever as I heard him paddle away.

I was scared.

I didn't want to admit it.

That I didn't want Matt to leave me here all alone because I was afraid that he wasn't going to come back.

Please, tell me that you'll be back…

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**So, Punk and Matt had sex, how do you think this will step up/break their relationship? I know. I'm not good with scenes. ;)**

**X Sam.**


	8. Chapter Eight

**Short but the ending was slightly suspenseful. I think. XD. **

**Here you go. Enjoy. And not to worry, this will turn into fluff shortly.**

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****Chapter Eight**

That morning, I opened my eyes and rolled to my side to feel Matt laying there, his hands running against my back, kissing my nose and then softly and passionately kissed my pink mouth as he pressed his body against mine and as my eyes fluttered open and closed, calming to the kiss he'd given me. He was just so passionate, so loving and adoring, so frantic with his kisses, and seeing how passionate he was about me of all people just made my heart flutter with pain, knowing that this was I had been missing out on but part of me told me that this wouldn't last. That I didn't deserve it and I believed that part of me too well.

I didn't deserve this.

I deserved the pain that always resided in my bubbly empty body and I deserved the agony that was sloshing in my brain as hard as ever and I deserved the desolation that ran through my chopped veins and arteries and I deserved the suffering and torture that burned and infused in my hot blood.

I didn't deserve to be loved.

I just didn't. I was too much of a jerk to be loved and I was just too much of a bastard for anyone to love and I knew this all too well. These words that were always replaying in my head so viciously and brutally and—I deserved every word that was uttered in my head. I took the pain as if I had been wearing a numbness shield but sometimes, I couldn't take the torture. Sometimes, I just couldn't take the agony.

When his hand was running down my back, I wanted to push away. I just didn't deserve this type of love. I couldn't disgrace my family even more than I had and the pain that was in his eyes was just too much for me to endure, to watch his skin slowly crack under pressure as he kissed me but I couldn't kiss back. He was romantic and sweet and caring and loving but I wasn't.

I could never satisfy him.

I could never be enough for him.

I didn't know how last night happened anymore. I didn't know why I let him touch me, why I agreed to this and I didn't know why I let him care about me. I couldn't care for him so I didn't deserve to be cared for. I couldn't love anyone so I didn't deserve to be loved and then crush the person that cared and loved me so well. He just won't understand the way I think. The way I function and I was afraid that I was going to hurt him even more than I already did just by not kissing him back when he'd twisted his tongue in mine.

Matt held my shoulder and stared at me with eyes that were holding back tears and right then, I realized how those used to be hard chocolate brown eyes were now melting into this ocean of warmth and adoration and I could almost see the blood of his heart seeping in that ocean of tenderness and affection and they were just so beautiful, those two orbs right there, I was drowning into that ocean and I didn't mind anymore. They were just so beautiful, so luscious and I couldn't look at those eyes without feeling worthless and empty on the inside. His touch was soft and delicate, as if he was afraid to break me. He was falling for me and I couldn't let that happen.

I had to put on my CM Punk bastard face and push him away from me even if I was drowning into those eyes.

His words slipped out like they weighed a ton, "…am—I not good enough for you?" his voice was cracking and he repeated the words, louder but they were even more pained. "Baby, am I not good enough for you?"

I chuckled, a chuckle I tried to make malicious and uncaring, spiteful and hardhearted, "I'm not gay, Hardy. Get over it."

Those words, the coldness that bit every word that was coming out of my mouth, had made those eyes widen and I could see the tiny tears threaten to leak out of my eyes and I knew how much he had gotten used to me, how he had fallen for my body and heart and mind and I just hoped that he'd snap at me, angry and spiteful, cold and uncaring, because I couldn't handle that type of pain that lingered in his voice. I just couldn't handle seeing someone care for me while I pushed them away and tried to tear their hearts into pieces on the floor.

"Did-didn't you feel it? Our connection? That night, the way you fit me in every way, the way you felt, the feel of us pressing like that…that night, yesterday, it was almost like-like a fairytale, magical stuff…didn't you feel any of that?" Matt's voice was cracking and breaking even harder now. "Didn't you feel the thing—that connection—we had last night, Phil?"

_Phil_.

No one called me Phil. Phil was a human being's named and I was definitely not humane enough for that name. I bit at my lower lip, chewing the piece of raw flesh inside of my mouth, and then I took a short breath that barely escaped my lips and put on my CM Punk rigid mask before I spoke out. "I don't fucking feel anything, Hardy. Don't try and change that. Far as I know, you were supposed to be my slut. Not the other way around."

"I'm going out for another dive," and I didn't say anything as I saw him put our snorkeling gear and I realized just how serious this seemed and I saw his body move into the water and I wanted to tell him not to leave but I kept that CM Punk rigid hard stupid mask I always pulled on because people expected me to and I watched as Matt paddled away and like yesterday, I needed him back almost right away.

I was scared.

I was terrified.

I spent the time sweating rapidly, and I could almost feel the tears sting my eyes but I was so used to holding back everything that they didn't fall and I watched as the cool water stirred into purple and blue colors that darkened as the sun fell and still, Matt didn't come back and I wondered if he was searching for a way out and from the looks of it, he was but would he come back for me after what I said?

The way I broke his heart?

My heart was thudding as hard as ever as I danged my foot out in the freezing cold water and he'd been gone for more than four whole hours and I was just scared out of my brains and I-I-

Matt-

Please…

A moment later, I was being pulled into the water and I instantly felt teeth dig into my flesh as hard as ever into my shoulder…

I would've screamed and I tried to swim but I couldn't.

_MATT! MATT! _

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**Reivew??**

**X Sam.**


	9. Chapter Nine

**I've gotten so, so much thought into this and I know exactly where this is heading to. I know the climax and everything. This is gonna be awesome. I know exactly what's in store for you all! I hope you like the rest of this. I'm so psyched about this story!**

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Chapter Nine

Have you ever been bitten by a shark?

Like a knife surging through your arms, painful and long lasting and I couldn't pull this knife out, the pain that was burning inside of my arms as I tried to move away, choking and suffocating as I prayed that Matt was fine. Look at me, I was pathetic. I was praying for someone who didn't need any help, while I was being eaten and chopped to pieces by a shark. I really was pathetic. I was all going so fast that I didn't know if I'd last any longer and I just want to be able to go to the surface and breathe but I couldn't. My heart was thudding so hard in my chest and the blood was burning in my heart, choking my acidic blood burning through the walls of my heart and right now, I felt heartless and fleshless as the agony twisted through me, veins ready to pop and arteries already restricting needed blood and...

...I...

....I just...

...all black...

The moment I had woken up, I was in the arms of a panting Matt, who was staring straight at the blood that was seeping from my arms and I was so fucking tired as he pressed his lips towards my forehead, "I-I'm sorry I swam off like that. I forgot that you couldn't swim. It's funny how...you know...how I used you see you as this guy who could do anything and wouldn't let anything break him...so when I saw you like this..." he sobbed, pressing his head towards my chest and I wondered how horrible I looked like for him to act like this. Break and crack like this as if he had just seen someone die and I think I did die.

I felt so dead on the inside.

His arms wrapped around my waist as he tried to help me but I dragged my arms up and I felt the pain that was dragging me down as I screamed, "NO! Stop! IT HURTS!"

He took my chin and looked at me in the eye, those chocolate eyes, so caring, so lovable, and that mouth, curved into a pink pout that turned even sadder as he let the tears still silently fall from his eyes and I didn't deserve him to care. I needed to take him away. I had to drag him, hurt him, crack him, break him, because I didn't deserve him to care about jerk me. I knew that I was going to break his heart this way but I didn't-

He kissed me.

He didn't wait for me to react. He just kissed me and when he pulled away, he had taken my chin again, in the softest way ever. His tears were gone and the sticky tear tracks were drying as he pressed his head towards my chest and my heart pumped into my chest as he brushed his hand through my hair. "All my fault, all my fault," he whispered so very softly. "All my fault--I should've never left you alone."

"I'm not a baby you know," there I went again, a jerk comment that just rolled off my tongue oh so easily but he didn't see the harshness of my words as he lifted his head and titled it so he'd capture my lips once again, the passion in our kiss, it was...astounding. The way he kissed me as I tried to move my pained arms but he pulled my arms down in the softest touch imaginable and he fell in the water and I found it hard to shuffle my giggles as he pulled his head out of the water and choked on the acid in the water and once he heard hard my laughter, he shook his head, "Not funny! NOT FUNNY!"

I couldn't stop giggling as he approached me and the more I moved my body, the more the sharp rocks hurt me but I didn't care and when he started staring at those bloodied arms of mine and then all of the humor was sucked out of his eyes as he took his duffel bag, the pure white bandage was being pulled out of his bag as he cut some and wrapped it around his arms, letting the blood just naturally soak the bandage and he was still staring at the white bandage that quickly turned red and I was too. So painful. It just hurt too much. I watched him take out one of his purple Hardy shirts and tore it to pieces and covered the bandage with it, not wanting to see the blood and I didn't want to see the blood there either but did he have to tear off one of his favorite shirt for me?

He pressed his lips towards mine and we started kissing as he climbed on top of me and in that moment, as I caught the soft color of the pink sunset, the orange background that burned so passionately and those hints of pastel blue and yellow that calmed me down as night fell and my heart was pounding in his chest as our bodies were pressing against each other, the wetness of his body soaking through the thick cloth of my body and he brushed his hand against my cheek as he kissed me again, rough and tough, so much passion that harbored in him and me as in that moment, the rest of the world, the pain that banged through me, just melted away.

"Are you doing this because we're the only ones trapped here?" I breathed out and Matt just shrugged his shoulders, capturing my lips into another kiss and I moved my agonizing arms towards his shoulders so that I could push him closer to me and this was all confusing me. I knew that my mind wanted me to let go of him but my body wouldn't tear away from his body. We were two pieces of the same puzzle that fit together and it felt right when he moved above me, it felt so right and I wouldn't tear that feeling away for the world anymore but I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't want to be the jerk that I was and I knew he couldn't change me into something else. "Are you sure you want a jerk like me, Matt? A bastard that will do anything to get what he wants?"

His eyes were deep in thought and before I could open my mouth, he spoke out. "No, I don't want to be with a jerk but you're not a jerk and you're not nice either...you're something, Phil. Something...different. Unique. And I just love that about you."

"Love doesn't exist, Matt."

"...you don't believe in fairy tales?"

"I never believed in fairy tales," seeing my parents pretend to care as I pushed through everyone I could've just to get away from their glares as I came home with a C minus average in my report card for most of my classes and my father just to see his son failed. I was a failure and I didn't believe in fairy tales or success. Even as the World Heavyweight Champion, there was something missing. A hole in my body that made me feel emptier by the moment as his hand brushed against my flesh. So warm.

"Everyone deserves love, Phil."

"...please, don't sound like a fucking cliche story, Matt."

"I'm not being a cliche drama story, Phil. I'm being real. I hate seeing you hurt and I want to make it all better. I want to love you but you wouldn't let me-"

"I want to go home!" I screamed out, the burning want inside of me to see land again, to feel the sand between my toes, to feel my body on a red bed for once, under the thin sheets of my body and most of all, I needed to go to Chicago and I needed to go home and I needed to see my father. I needed this. "I want to go home! I WANT TO FUCKING GO HOME, MATT!"

"Stop whining, Jeff! We'll-"

Our eyes locked.

Did he just call me by the name of my enemy? The enemy that had become his? Did he just call me by the name of our worst enemy? Blood boiled in my flesh as I stared at him and his eyes melted. "Go away."

"I can't. I'm afraid you'll get hurt." Matt's voice swirled with agony and pain.

"I'm not a baby! I told you that already!"

Matt didn't say anything else as he gripped onto my body and after thirty minutes of trying to struggle away from his grip, I just melted into his arms and I realized that I've done it again. I've said those words that imprinted me as a bastard and they were said. His arms all around me, soothed and sweet, soft and delicate, and I felt safe but the tears were still forming because I knew that I couldn't stay like this with Matt all the time. I needed to tell him that he can't touch me, or kiss me or love me and as I felt him move from underneath him, his beautiful chuckle reeling me into reality.

I stared into those eyes and the seriousness of my face caused him to let his smile drop. "Phil?"

"We need to talk."

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**X Sam.**


	10. Chapter Ten

**I wrote this the same day I wrote Chapter Nine. I was just so buzzing with excitement.**

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Chapter Ten

"We need to talk."

His face was crumpling and his pouty pink lips were curved into a tight line and his eyes were so serious that even I forgot what I was going to say but when I remembered, it hit me all like a bang, an electric shock through my heart that burned to the core of my brain and I wanted him. I wanted to touch him so bad and I wanted to make love to him, wanted to care for him, wanted to love him, wanted to do everything for him but I couldn't.

"Phil?" his voice was concerned.

He shouldn't be concerned to someone who'd never love him and he shouldn't be concerned to someone who'd never care for him and he shouldn't be fucking concerned to someone that was so much of a bastard of me. I was a bastard and he knew it but he wanted me anyways and that was what confused me. When he could have so much more, why would he settle for the worst?

...

It was because I was the only one here.

I just realized that he suddenly had feelings for me because I was some poor substitute of love for him. He was a dater. He dated anyone he could get his slimy hands on but somehow, in those eyes, I believed that he truly wanted me. But I-I-I was so confused! I didn't know what to think anymore. This was why I didn't like dating and this was why dating always was and still was only about rough sex and passionate kisses. Nothing fucking more.

"Matt, I don't want a serious relationship."

Matt's eyes warmed. "It doesn't have to be serious. I just want you. Sex. Kisses. Just like this... I want a serious relationship. I really do but I'd do anything to get a taste of you again, Phil."

"Good enough, Matt." I knew I should've screamed at him for wanting me to be his sex toy but I nodded my head and in that moment, his mouth covered mine and his body struggled to get on top of mine once again, his hands shoving away my clothing and I didn't know the rest seemed all to be a blur as he just quickly pushed in me, as hard as ever, in and out of me, his cock pushing inside of me, and pulling out of me and after thrusts and thrusts, his come really pushing inside of me, hard and hot. And feeling his body on top of me, as I heard my cell phone and I reached towards my black duffel bag, taking my cell phone out of my bag and pressed it towards my ear, "Mom?"

"Phil?" her voice was soft and delicate and livid. "Where are you? Your father just had another heart attack, Philip!"

"I'm really out in the ocean!" I said, taking short and sharp breaths.

"Phil! What did I say about making up these stories?" 'these stories' that she was mentioning were always real and I wanted to fucking scream as hard as ever, and the words that were coming out of my mouth was screaming at me. "Mom, you know what?! I really am stuck in the ocean, having sex with a man who just saved me from a shark attack and I really hate that fucking excuse of a father and I HATE YOU!"

I was ready to slam the phone down as I slammed my fist towards the rocks, feeling my bones crack, and then I heard her sobs. "Phil...w-what happened to you?! What happened to my baby?"

"Your baby? I was never your baby! You watched me as my father shouted at me daily and slam me around like some sort of loser. You don't care about me so I don't fucking care about you! 'These stories' that you keep hearing from me...it's true! I really am stuck in the ocean!"

"This is all because of that wrestling trash...isn't it?"

I slammed my phone shut and threw it back in my black duffel bag and I slammed my head into the rock, ready to bleed as I felt my skull crush at the impact and my breath turned shallow and I was out of breath and my eyelids just dropped before I felt Matt shake my shoulder and at that moment, I could see the doubt in his shimmering eyes as he touched my shoulder and it was still the night and remembering the time on my phone, it was _3:46_ and his voice was dripping with horror. "D-did you just say that to your mother?"

"You were listening?" there was still a slight hint of anger but not too much.

"Y-yeah," Matt stuttered, clearing that lump in his throat and the nervousness in his voice was making him shake and that made my blood boil and stir even harder as I grabbed onto his rigid shoulders, pressing him against my body.

"Just tell me that I'm a fucking bastard for saying that to my mother! I know! Why do you think that I can't love anyone? It's not that I don't give a rat's ass about anyone! It's because anyone that gives an ounce of sympathy for me gets hurt because I'm just that much of a bastard!" tears were springing to my eyes, burning down my cheeks and soon, the silence was making me break into sobs, painful sobs that were raking through my body all too violently and his arms wrapped around my body, "SAY IT!"

"No..." Matt brushed the wetness from my thick face, "No, Phil. You're not a bastard."

My heart was ready to pump out of my chest as I relaxed in his arms and I kissed him instead of him kissing me, and he kissed me back and Matt's arms were holding me oh so protectively and the vividness and life in his eyes were just shining and twinkling so brightly in his eyes and that moment, I was kissing my problems away, his tongue in my mouth as my tongue twisted against mine and I relaxed into his arms once more as he sat up and he took my body into his arms, his protective arms and he kissed my neck. This was caring and calming and it mad me feel like he was my security blanket, ready to take me away from the world.

The feelings inside of me was strong.

I wanted to be together with him but I didn't deserve him.

I would just take the pain.

Like I have been all my life.

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**I just hope that this is good enough, sweethearts. Because I don't know what to think of it. Also, I didn't proof read this one...oops! XD. I just hope that the mistakes aren't _too_ visible...ignore them! :)  
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**X Sam.**


	11. Chapter Eleven

**YAY! They're saved. Don't worry about the plot. I have so many plot twists that it's impossible for me to be finished at this rate. XD.**

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****Chapter Eleven**

Today, we were finally on dry ground after _so_ so **so** long.

I felt as if dry, dehydrated ground was a dream until my feet had finally stepped and after so long, feeling the hot sand between my feet, it was like finally reaching Heaven's gate but now, seeing _his_ face in front of me, that anger-ridden face as he pulled Matt away from me, Jeff Hardy was everyone's slut, wasn't he?

We were saved.

I should be happy.

I was happy, wasn't I?

All I could remember was Matt shaking me awake and I had woken up in the helicopter, the sounds of him finally telling me that we were saved was the only thing that registered in my head…

Back to Square One.

On land, no friends, alone, brutal and vicious CM Punk that everyone hated with a passionate fury…

Yeah.

What was this feeling?

This emptiness inside of me that was déjà vu to me…

Loneliness.

I haven't been alone for almost a week and right now, everyone was just so buzzing happy that Matt Hardy was back but what about me? Did they even bat an eyelash towards me? Did they even notice that I was gone? It almost like I wasn't bitten and scratched by a shark. I had to go to the hospital myself and get checked out myself, the deep cuts that will turn into scars, the marks of Matt Hardy and I's horror show. I hate this.

Why didn't anyone care about me?

What did it take for them to notice me?

What did it take for them to see that I have feelings too? God, the pain was just burning inside of me. I can't breathe. I can't think. The first time I'd stepped into a shower just made me think of Matt Hardy and as I was about to go to sleep, I heard my phone ring, as violently as ever.

I took my phone and pressed it against my ear, hearing the sound of Matt's voice burn into my ear, "Phil?"

"Don't call me Phil." Around here, I wasn't Phil anymore. Phil was a human name as I had mentioned before. I didn't deserve to be named 'Phil' and right here, and right now, I wasn't Phil. I was CM Punk. I was a jerk. I was a bastard that would do anything to get his own way. Let's be in character here, people.

Have I ever told him that I don't even know who Phil Brooks is? Oops, must've forgotten. This mask I wore was the only thing I knew, this plastered hard face of mine was the only shield I had, and I wore it, and I took it, because I had to stay strong. Because after all, who wanted to see weak, scared little Punk running away from the world around him, crying his eyes out? Who wanted to see that?

Matt had already seen enough. Why didn't he understand the meaning of the words, 'leave me alone, Hardy bitch'. I thought my eyes had emphasized that quite clearly in the ring. "Phil, listen," Matt's voice was creamy sweet and I found it hard not to melt towards the softness of his voice, "you can pretend that we didn't kiss or fuck but that doesn't mean it didn't happen…"

"I didn't." I snapped at him. "It was just a moment of desperation. We thought we were going to die so we did what we had to do. We fucked each other because we both don't want to die alone. That's it. There's nothing else to it. Leave. Me. Alone. And forget this all ever happened."

I knew I was being awfully mean but what could I have done? I didn't want him to get hurt just because of me. I didn't want to hurt anyone anymore. But the words just had to be said and even if I say words like these all the time, it didn't make the pain of it all just go away. It was still all just the same. All the same stabbing pain that was pushing through my heart. If Matt and I had gotten together after all this horror story, we'd both be happy for a short while before I say anything that labeled me as CM Punk right now, and he'd break up with me and leave me here to rot in my own thoughts.

Besides, what was so special about a relationship?

I sure as hell didn't know why. It was all sex and kisses, right? What else could it be based out of? Why did he care about me so much? He didn't even know me well enough. He knew I couldn't swim. He knew that I couldn't dance to save my life. He knew that I acted like a spoiled brat to my own mother. But he didn't know beside that. He didn't know how I felt and think and see things and he couldn't. Matt Hardy was sweet and I couldn't afford to be sweet.

I've been in this Punk mask for too long that I thought I was this person that I pretended to be. It made me; it shaped me, into this monster that I didn't know of. It made me look into the mirror and wonder what was underneath that skin and hair, what was inside of me, the truth…

"I really care about you, Phil. You know this."

"Don't call me Phil." My voice was stronger, harder and more rigid.

"Okay, Punk," he said, but his voice wasn't sarcastic or hard, it was still as soft as ever and as light as air, as if he was afraid that his words could hurt me. As if he could see this person inside of me that even I didn't know of. "But I'll have you know that I care about you. That you're beautiful. That…God, you're just amazing. I can't go a minute without thinking about you. You should see that I don't want to hurt you. That I care about you…Punk…you make me…"

Did he go around saying this shit to anyone?

I slammed my fist towards the table, and I could feel my eyes tearing up anyways but even now, as I looked into the mirror, I saw that there was just an angry monster ready to be unleashed, there was no sympathy, and there was nothing and that made me want to scream out louder than ever before. Who was I? What had I become? What did it take for me to be human?

If being out in the ocean for about a week and three days didn't do it then nothing would've. I've been in the ocean with the sweetest, kindest guy I've ever known and even with that, I still stayed the same. But he saw that I was battling for humanity and he wanted to help me be a better person.

I didn't know how to.

Did he think that I didn't try to break free from this curse I put myself in? Did he think that I didn't try to be normal? No. He didn't. I just wasn't normal. I just couldn't do anything to stop this pain. The pain was there because I was a horrible person and if I could see the light, why was I still stabbing in the agony and desolation that I was before?

…I was so confused.

"Our relationship is fucking fake!" I screamed out, unable to know what I was saying, the words just fell out of my mouth. This was hurting him on the inside. Poor Hardy was breaking into pieces and I was doing it. "It was just made of some comfort, kisses and sex! That's all it! Don't you fucking understand?!"

Matt's breathing turned shallow. "Phil, you don't understand how much I really care! And you're really hurting me right now! Why are you hurting me? Why…?" his voice was breaking as hard as ever. "Did I hurt you, Phil? Did I?" his voice was so shaky that I knew that tears were falling out of his face.

I didn't know what to say.

The emotion.

The pain.

The agony.

The desolation.

That was in his voice…

"Leave me alone! I HATE YOU!" those words were practically forced out of my mouth as I slammed the phone shut and I fell onto my bed, sobbing recklessly…how could I be like this? Tears were falling down my face so fast and so bad that I couldn't do anything to stop them. I was ready to punch myself, ready to dislocate my jaw and that night, I was just so ticked off at myself. I wanted to die. I set a bottle of rubbing alcohol next to my feet, the white bottle glistening as I took off my bandages to see the horrible, painful cuts and I grabbed onto the bottle of rubbing alcohol, I mixed the liquid inside of my cuts and when I had done that, I dropped the bottle, screamed out in practical burning pain. This was too much! I can't handle this! It was like something was burning inside of me. I curled up into a bottle to stop the pain but I knew that I deserved this. That was why I applied it all over again.

The first time I applied it was for being a bastard.

The second time I forced myself to finish the bottle in seconds it was for Matthew Moore Hardy.

It…it hurt.

It hurt so much that I was in the verge of tears.

I slept curled up in my position, with my battered arms pulsing pain and the floor making the pain in my back throb.

In my mind, I deserved to bleed…

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**Poor Phil.**

**He deserves a break.**

**)=**

**Review?**

**X Sam.**


	12. Chapter Twelve

**An update. Yay! :D**

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Chapter Twelve

That morning, I woke up to the sound of my phone buzzing. I had to get out of the bathroom, my back aching and my spine was ready to pop out of its place as I reached for the the phone that rested on the table. The pain was overwhleming, the agony of my spine...but I tried to forget about it as I pressed the icy metal of my phone towards my ear and then I heard the sweet, beautiful sound of Matt Hardy. I was undeserving of him and he shouldn't be wasting his time with me, a piece of worthless trash. My arms were now numb from all the rubbing alcohol I had used the night before and the sleek sound of my name.

"Hello, baby. How did you sleep last night?" he cooed.

I couldn't lie to him. "Horrible." I wanted to tell him that I was doing well, that I didn't need him but I was weakened and there was no energy inside of me. I had no energy to lie. I was drained out of every emotion in my body. I was drained out of everything. I could barely breathe out my words. This was pain. And I deserved every inch of it. I deserved the agony that was twisting in my spine and I deserved the desolation that was banging through my brains, threatening to make my brains explode. I deserved it. But I couldn't let Matt know how much I was punishing myself. He shouldn't care about me. He shouldn't even call about me. He should just go into a different direction. He should just forget that he'd ever touched and kissed and fucked me.

"We were going to destroy Jeff, remember?"

I sighed on the inside. Silently. He wanted to get close to me again. He wanted to hold me again. And I was perventing him from doing this. Why did he want me? I was _nothing_. I was nothing at all. "Yes, I do." I could tell from his voice that he wanted to get so close to me that he didn't care if he was hurting himself in the process and I...I just needed to push myself away from him because he was too good for me.

Matt took a deep breath. "Can we work on it?"

"Yeah." I didn't want to work on it. I didn't want to pull him along for the long, long ride because thre was too much pain in the world around us and I didn't want him to suffer just because he liked a jerk like me. And what would happen to his reputation as the sweetheart, the romantic Matt Hardy suddenly dating destructive, cruel CM Punk instead of a person that reflected him? He would be hurt. As hurt as me. As agonized as me. I don't want him to be in this black pitch of me. I didn't-I walked around my house, the empty house of mine and I went downstairs to eat some breakfast. My thoughts were on Matt. I didn't notice the time passing by. I didn't notice that I had been sitting down, staring into space until I heard the doorbell ring.

"Come in."

If it was Matt...

Matt Hardy walked inside of the house and at that moment, I could see that his hopeless face turned hopeful and soft. His eyes were melting from hard chocolate into warm, liquid chocolate and I wanted to bite him. I felt as if he was as sweet as he was on the inside. The chocolate interior of him...Matt was swooning me. He was sweeping me off my feet and I wanted to push myself away from him. I was an idiot but I needed to consider what would happen to Matt if he dated me. It would be smooth at first but then bumpy and painful and horror and agonizing.

His arms wrapped around me and kissed my nose, "Matt..."

"I'm sorry." He stepped back, his eyes fearful of what he had done and that was what was breaking me. That he wanted me but I seemed like I hated him. "How are your cuts?" his eyes trailed through my numb arms and I wanted to kiss him so bad. I wanted to tackle my lips to his and just fuck him right there on the spot but I didn't want this fake relationship anymore. We were partners. That was it. But nothing else.

"They're fine." _I deserve them._

I smirked even if I didn't want to and at that moment, Matt asked me if I had a scheme ready and I nodded my head. I had a scheme pushed in the back of my head and I wanted to bang my head to the floor. I didn't want to tell him about this scheme that I had thought of. I didn't want to push him away but I had to. I had to do this. "Just give Jeff this at around 6:00," I walked towards my kitchen and I took the red plastic container from the counter and I had given him, the acidic liquid that I knew was sloshing around the container, "and then take him out for a walk. I-I'll deal with the rest."

He took the container but his eyes were my face as he touched my cheek, the warmth of his fingers were pressed against my face, "Phil, is there anything wrong?"

"No. Just do this." I spat out at him.

He nodded his head and I reluctantly had to go away so he can know that our time was up. I didn't want to go away from him. I wanted him. I had to busy myself. I wore my shoes and walked outside out into the dark world but I didn't care as I drove towards the airport. When I reached the airport, all I did was go to the front desk and look at the woman, explaining that I needed to go to Chicago and she nodded her head too many times before she had given me a ticket for tomorrow and God, I was lucky because I needed to go to my parents. I needed to see my father. I needed to apologize.

It was 6:00 PM when I had gotten towards the park and I waited for twenty minutes before I had seen the silhouettes of both Matt and Jeff and I knew what was in that red plastic container better than any of them did. I looked like water but there were a strong, strong mix of alcohol that my father used to put in his drink and now, he'd know how _dangerous_ alcohol was and yet again, I'd be proven right. Truthfully, proving that alcohol and addiction was horrible, wasn't worth seeing Matt in pain. But being with me would be like snapping his neck up into bones and pieces of flesh.

I hid behind the bushes and followed them but then they stopped near a cliff and I was just glad that this might go very painlessly and I stood behind Jeff who was croaking out words and then I just jumped behind him and threw him off the cliff and just then, Matt's eyes widened as I heard the crack of his skull and my heart was throbbing and cracking and I didn't want to hear this. Everything was happening in slow motion and nothing seemed to make sense anymore and I heard Matt screaming as he slipped down towards Jeff. The next few moments were a blur, just hearing him scream his "NO"s and his sobs were too painful for me to hear.

It wasn't long before Matt had Jeff in his arms and pushed past me, tears running out of his eyes as I knew that his destination was a hopital. My thoughts were just mashed together. How could I hurt Matt like that? I really was horrible and I couldn't believe that I'd do anything like that. It was too long before my legs gave way and I fell on the ground, thoughts were battling in my body and I knew that I had to visit the hospital now. The guilt was too overwhelming. I stood up but I felt like I couldn't walk anymore. Good. I deserved the pain. I really did this time.

The only thing that I could feel was this guilt was bubbling through my body, weighing me down.

And that moment, I stopped when I was there, waiting there in the waiting room, seeing Matt's tear stained face and I sat down beside him.

"Matt, I'm sorry." I had to apologize. I couldn't live with this guilt and this pain. Even if I deserved this. That moment, he ran his hand through my back, and warmth ran through my spine as I pressed my head towards his shoulder. "How could you be so sweet?"

"Phil...I told you...that I'm head over heels for you, baby. I don't care what you do to me. I can't get you out of my head. You're...and I know you made a mistake...you're-you're-you make me feel...like I had something to live for, Phil..."

I could feel the tears burning in my eyes.

Why was he so patient with me?

I stood up and I was ready to walk away but then I felt his hand on mine. "What are you doing tomorrow?"

"I'm going to Chicago tomorrow. For my father."

He nodded his head and stood up and he turned me around so that my eyes were locked to his and I knew that he wante to kiss me but I didn't-I couldn't let him fall for me even worse. I had to push him away. I had to find a way even if I didn't want to. He looked at me straight in the eyes and I looked back and I got lost. I didn't know where I was and I didn't care anymore. He was so perfect that he was going to make me drop dead from his beauty. He leaned in towards me but he stopped midway. "See you, Phil. I just hope that it all goes well for you."

I didn't do anything. I just nodded my ead and walked away.

I was so obsessed with him...

And I didn't care anymore.

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**I'm really starting to fall for this pairing...XD.**

**X Sam.**


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Thirteen! My lucky number!**

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****Chapter Thirteen**

I was in the airplane in what felt like forever.

The only thing that drove me to stay there was because I had to apologize to my mother and I had my hands covered up with a sweatshirt so they wouldn't ask questions because I didn't want to spark up another fight because of this ocean business and after all, I wanted to forget everything. Just fucking everything. But as Matt said before, I couldn't ignore the kisses, the sex, the connection we felt, it was too hard to ignore and I knew it all too well.

By the time that I had reached the airport and checked into my hotel, I truly realized how tired I was. I couldn't sleep in planes, something I had gotten from my _all too kind_ father and I wanted to fall asleep but I pushed myself to stay awake as I went to the café and drank three cups of coffee before walking out, rock hard dizzy but I didn't care. I always deserved the pain. Even if it was little. I deserved to feel the agony of my mistakes. I deserved to be punished.

Soon, I was in the too white hospital that burned my brain and I smelt the scent of death, smothering my nose as I made my way towards my father's room. I was just so fucking tired. I was ready to fall onto the floor, ready to blow my brains out because of the pain that was pulsing through every vein in my head, every artery, every fiber and molecule of my mashed up brain.

I walked through the doorways of my father's room and saw my tired mother, her eyelids were dropped and my father's hand was on her face, my brother and sisters were scattered all around the room as my stomach was sloshing with nausea and acid and before I walked towards him and at that moment, he grabbed me by the collar of my shirt, "where in hell's name were you, boy?! Is your wrestling junk more important than me?"

He let go of the collar of my shirt so I was stumbling backwards and when I caught balance, I looked at him, trying to come up with an excuse but I simply nodded my head and he rose up from his place. My stomach sloshed once again as he slapped me as hard as he could on my cheek. The only reason he'd hurt me, from my childhood memories, was if I truly and utterly angered him.

And seeing that solidified anger that was in his eyes—

I had never seen him so angry before and before I could say anything, he took me by my shoulder and threw me towards the wall, causing my mother to shriek. These was painful but not as painful as knowing that my father was the one doing this to me, the physical pain would go away but the emotional terror would always reside in my body. Like always, she stood there, taking it all in, and so did the rest of my family, the abuse of my father… and when I saw that smirk on his face, I suddenly felt the fear bubble right through me. He took out a bottle of tonic from his bag and he stepped towards me.

"Someone do something!"

No one did.

They were all frozen, with wide eyes as he had taken that bottle and he was ready to make me taste the taste but then—

I heard a sound.

"Hey, stop that!"

That voice…

My eyes drifted to see the man that was standing by the doorway with wide eyes and a horrified expression on his face, Matt Hardy. My heart was pounding, a hundred thoughts racing through my head as Matt raced towards me, grabbing me protectively, staring at my family.

"Are you all sick?"

My heart was pounding so loud yet I could hear his sugar sweet voice.

"Do you think that hitting Phil would make this all better?! How dare you lay a hand on him! I've been living with my father for years and I'd done some horrible things but he never laid a hand on me! Give him a break! He was in the ocean with me!"

Matt grabbed my wrist as he took me out of the room and all I could see was shame written on their faces as Matt took me away from this all. When I was secure and in his car, he didn't bother opening the engine as he lifted my chin and looked at me straight in the eye, his voice creamy and soft, "Phil, is this what your family is like?"

I didn't say anything. I just nodded his head.

That was all it took for him to drive off and I didn't know where he was taking me. I lived in Chicago all my life but those places that he was passing by, I didn't know. He took me towards a hotel so far off Chicago, I didn't know where we were anymore and by the time that I was in a hotel room, he had placed me on the bed, kissing my nose and walked outside.

I tried not to fall asleep.

When he came back, he came back with a silver bucket filled with water and a soaked white towel dipped inside and he took the soaked white towel from the water and he rolled the sleeves of my sweatshirt before draping the towel down my arms…I just couldn't understand. Matt was attached to me.

He…he cared about me.

It felt…it felt like I was human.

He ran his hand down my cheek, made me look at him, "Phil, I know you don't like me. I know I'm pathetic…"

"Matt, how did you get here? Why did you come here?"

Matt chuckled under his breath. "I just needed to know…if you were okay."

"Y-you came all the way to Chicago just to see if I-I was okay?" I repeated. I was stunned. This had never happened to me before. No one cared about me in this way before. They used me for one night and then they threw me away. That was my life. If I ever hooked up with anyone, I wouldn't talk to him unless we wanted to hook up again. I never had a real relationship and I couldn't. I was breaking Matt's heart…

"I know. Save the trouble. I know I'm pathetic."

That hurt all the more. I made him feel so worthless. I made him feel like he could never satisfy me. He just can't understand… I wanted to protect him too…

"Go to sleep, Phil. You look so tired."

He left me alone in the room and with thoughts of horror and terror; I slowly let my too heavy eyelids drop. Thoughts of my Matt hurting on the inside just because of me was the only thing that made those too vivid nightmares. Matt… I'm sorry…

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**Every review is appreciated.**

**X Sam.**


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Wow, a lot of you are awesome. **_**All**_** of you are awesome. Seriously, you guys shock me with every review for some reason. I'm inspired to update more. By the way, you might notice that some stories I'm slowly down on all the updates and that's because I have a lot of homework to do. Sorry! I update almost frequently on **_**'How to Save a Life' **_**and '**_**Torn'**_**. **

**I'm almost done typing up '_Torn_' so I can concentrate on something else, too. :) I'm so shocked that a lot of you guys that normally **_**hate**_** Matt are starting to **_**like**_** him in this fic (**_**InYourHonor**_** and **_**browngirlwrites**_**) Huggles for you both. The two people that read most/all my Phil stories. You guys are awesome. ;)**

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****Chapter Fourteen**

Right now, Matt's mouth was kissing my hair and he thought that I was asleep but I wasn't. God, how I wanted to wake up and kiss him right now and I wanted to make love to him. I wanted all of him inside of me. I wanted to be his and I wanted him to be mine and no one else's but life didn't happen that way. I knew that I couldn't have Matt because Matt was out of my league. He was beautiful and sophisticated and caring and sweet and I—I wasn't. I wasn't anything. I was just nothing. How could he love nothing? How could he look me in the eyes the way he did? How come those melted chocolate eyes look at these hard brown eyes of nothingness of mine?

One word to describe how I felt.

Empty.

I felt empty.

I heard the sound of my phone ringing and that was what made my eyes flutter open too quickly and I reached out for the metal phone and I pressed it towards my ear as Matt moved away from me, trying not to seem as addicted to me as he was and addiction was horrible. He would've known that, wouldn't he?

"Hmm?"

"What the hell happened back there?" my father. My horrible, horrible father. Why couldn't he just leave me alone?

"I-"

"I'll tell you what happened," his voice was rough and hard and rigid and all I could feel right now was the feeling of a child, an uneducated child standing there next to his angry father who was clutching his low-grades-filled report card too hard in his hands, and my heart skipped a beat at the thoughts and memories. I was suddenly terrified of him. Sweat collected at my hairline and I wanted to crash the phone towards the floor and I was just glad that he wasn't right here in front of me. I had no more energy to be beaten around and yelled at too hard. I was so tired, still. I couldn't very much sleep the other night knowing that an angel was in my hell ring. "You brought your friend over to tell me off because you couldn't?!"

"No! He came by himself!"

"Like I believe that!"

I stopped talking because I knew that talking back would just make him angrier and those next few words shocked me to death.

"I'm disowning you."

"W-w-what?" I was holding back tears by then. How could he even think that?! I-I-I couldn't understand why he was acting this way. I didn't do anything wrong, did I? A part of me was screaming out. What the hell did I do right in my life!? What? I was ready to slam my head towards the wall but when Matt held my shoulder, I knew that he was trying to steady me, trying not to see the visible tears that I was holding back. I could feel them burn at the corner of my eyes.

"I'm disowning you… unless you quit this wrestling trash and come back to us. You're my son and I barely see you around anymore! Look what it's done to Mike! Look what it's doing to you! You didn't go to college to slack off, did you, Phil?"

I was shaking and I felt Matt's arms wrap around me into a warm embrace.

"Did you, Phil?"

"N-no," I stuttered, barely able to show a brave and strong side when I was around him and as I heard the dial tone, I let my phone fall to the floor and my bodies shook and trembled and twitched as Matt ran his hand down my cheek and neck, feeling the cold skin of my body and I was ready to cry but I held back my tears anyways.

"Let it out, Phil. Let it out."

I finally let the horrid, burning tears fall freely from my face. I could only do this in front of Matt. I didn't know why. No one else had ever seen me cry. No one other than Matt. I buried my face into his chest and his hand ran through my hair as he kissed my forehead, a soft kiss that made me cry even harder. Why was I still alive? What did I have to fucking live for?

I had a choice now.

Quit wrestling and go back to Chicago to start a new life.

Or stay here and get disowned. I knew that I shouldn't think about my stupid father's opinion but I was still too scared of him. I never had the backbone to stand up to him like Matt did and frankly, I wanted to be normal and I can't be normal knowing that my parents disowned me. I just couldn't let my father disown me but I can't quit wrestling. _I-I_ was so confused!

I didn't know what to do.

My head was pounding and my brains were ready to blow and that day, as Matt moved here and there, getting me food and watching reruns of 80's movies to make me feel better, he never once asked me what was wrong but he wanted to know. I knew so.

"Matt…"

"Phil?" Matt's attention went solely to me and the words and music that was in the background was suddenly muted even if it was still running and soon, before I could say anything, Matt leaned down towards me, both of our noses touching and how I wanted to kiss those lush lips.

"Why didn't you ask me about the phone conversation?"

"I don't want to make it worse," Matt's voice was fading oh so softly. "I just want to make it all better."

Tears were threatening to fall from my eyes again as I stood up from the bed and walked towards the nightstand and then I heard Matt's voice, "Phil, why are you pushing me away? Am I not good enough for you? Do you hate me…? Did I hurt you, Phil…?"

His words were all wrong. I couldn't say anything.

"Phil?"

"I'm not good enough for you," I responded with a cracked voice. "You're Matt Hardy. You can have anyone you want but you choose a-a-a bastard who can never make you happy. You choose a bitch instead of a real person who can give you your 'Happily Ever After' in your cliché drama story…"

Matt was stunned. His mouth was slightly parted so I could see that hint of those pure white teeth. "Real person?" he repeated, confusion stirring in his voice.

"I'm a monster!" I let my emotions fall in my words and I didn't do that with anyone but Matt either and Matt knew who I was better than anyone did and that made me do what I did. It made me show the pain that was throbbing in my body. "How could you love me? How could you love me…?"

I fell on my knees and he watched in shock as I held my head in my hands and I let the burning tears fall from my eyes and sobs escaped my throat. He leaned down beside me and held me tight as I let years and years of emotions pour out, get absorbed by the thick cloth—

My tears were nothing. Just getting absorbed by the cotton of me and Matt's clothes.

I was nothing. Just getting absorbed by the pitch black hole that I've been falling in all my life.

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**I have so much planned for this story. **

**Just to add suspense. ;)**

_Phil__: _you're gonna teach me how to swim? Didn't we get over this phase? You know that I'm terrified of-

_Matt__: _Phil…

_Phil__: _Matt?

_Matt__: _why are you so terrified of water?

**I am such a mean tease but don't worry. I'll update as soon as I can.**

**X Sam.**


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Yeah, Seraphalexiel, I am a mean tease but then again, when I am, I update soon. Or as soon as I can. ;)**

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****Chapter Fifteen**

That morning, when I had woken up, I had seen that Matt was dressed into black swim trunks and my heart thudded as a thousand memories just rushed into my brain as Matt slowly walked towards me, brushing his hand against my cheek and a smile that just broke my heart as my head pressed his stomach and I felt my problems melt away at the feel of his warmth against me.

Then it all flashed towards me.

My father wanted to disown me unless I quit wrestling. I was a horrible person that deserved to suffer. I didn't deserve this. I twisted my head as I realized who I really was and I pressed my body against the bed, feeling the flesh just warm me as Matt took off my shirt, flopping me towards me, and our eyes locked. "Hey, go change. I wanna take you downstairs to the pool."

"No." I didn't want to go into the water too soon. I hated it. "Why do you want to go back to the water so soon?"

"I want to teach you how to swim," the way his eyes looked at me, the care and love and affection he had for me, I truly felt loved and I didn't deserve it at all. I shouldn't be loved, not in the way that Matt loved me and I shouldn't be cared for, not in the way that Matt cared for me. I didn't know how to love him like he did and I didn't know how to show that I cared like he did. He was perfect in every way and I was broken and shattered from every angle.

"You're gonna teach me how to swim? Didn't we get over this phase? You know that I'm terrified of-"I could remember those few lessons of us getting stuck in the water and him trying to teach me how to swim, how not to drown into the horror of the cold water and I shook and shivered.

"Phil…" his voice was the only thing that took me back into the reality that I tried so hard not to fall in.

"Matt?" his name was too worthy and I wasn't even worthy enough to think his name, much less say it.

"Why are you so terrified of water?"

My heart was ready to stop but I realized how calm he was and I wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him so bad as he sat down beside me, both of our eyes locking and he pushed my bare chest towards his suited one, his hand brushing against my back, too lovingly… he kissed my forehead, warm and sweet, and I inhaled the soft sweet scent of him.

I finally spoke up.

"Matt, when I was around thirteen years old, I decided that I was gonna be a professional diver. I wanted to get the gold, go to the leagues and I just hoped that I can do it. From when I was a little child, I'd always liked being around the water, it was warm, kind to me…it was what made 70 percent of our bodies, water and when I was in it, all I could imagine is that I was a part of the water. I was a part of the world around me…just imagining that…it made me feel like I had a cleansed soul inside of me… my mother got me a trainer and I was happy. For once, something good was happening in my life and that was all that I ever wanted.

"I was excited, so very excited. I trained in his house, where he had a pool, but there was this pit in my stomach when I looked at my trainer, almost as if I knew that there was something wrong with the picture but I didn't say anything. I thought the feeling would go away but it didn't. I was always ready to throw up whenever I stepped in and out of the pool. Within a week, I realized that I didn't want to swim. I just wanted to go home and throw up in the bathroom…I was sick inside…I wanted to throw up… I pretend that I was in love with all this learning how to swim stuff. I didn't want to give up on my only dream but…but…I was terrified of him…he was always so touchy…and he paid special attention to me. Just me. I was always alone with him…

"I came into his house after school, and spent two hours in training, I went into his basement and took off all my clothes and wore my swimwear and that was a routine that took no more than fifteen minutes but this feeling of being sick…I always had it when I changed. It was like something—_someone_—was watching me. I thought it was crazy and pushed it away. I mean, I'm just imagining all of this, right? Nothing is right, is it…?"

I shook my head. I didn't want to remember this but I had to tell Matt. I had to let the emotions pour out. He had to know about disgusting me. He brushed his hand against my cheek, to ensure me that he was listening. A thousand emotions were stirring in his eyes. I knew that he was in pain just by listening. It was as if he and I shared this memory. Was that too odd? I felt like we shared everything right now.

"One day, as I walked with my mother, we got stopped by a man who kept saying that I had a nice body. I was shocked. What did he keep babbling on about? The next few days consisted of men trying to hook up with me, even girls, and I pushed them all away. I was confused and I confessed to my family at dinner. I was just so confused. What did they want from me? Why was I suddenly so appealing—? That was when I asked one of them and he said "Like I didn't know", all of them keep calling me a little bitch and I didn't know why—why was everyone looking at me funny? Was there something I missed? I was confused. I mean…did someone look like me? I was confused. But when I found out that my trainer was selling naked pictures of me, that was a shocker…I mean…I trusted him and…he hurt me…I think he got shot…but how could anyone do something so disgusting?

"I didn't want anything to do with him anymore. I purposely drowned myself and said that I forgot how to swim just because I didn't want to swim. During high school, I had this hydrophobia, I didn't want to look at the water anymore, it was just too painful…it was like I was watching blood instead of water…it was hard to explain…it just made me sick… and from 13 to 30, I didn't touch the water…the only reason I went snorkeling was because I didn't want to be alone…I…I…Matt…"

Matt was in shock.

He was staring straight at me and brushed his hand against my side, "oh, poor baby." He kissed my nose and wrapped his legs around my body, both of our bodies touching each other and I melted in his arms. "How could anyone do anything to you?"

"Am I a slut, Matty?"

"N-no." He pressed his lips to my hair. "You're perfect."

Right now, all that pain of high school, from being called a bitch, was gone. I was with Matt now, and I should be happy, right? Did I even know what happiness was anymore? I didn't think I did. There was nothing called happiness. Just pain and horror. There was nothing called joy. Just terror and agony.

"Promise me you won't tell anyone…" I didn't want them to feel pity for me. I didn't want them to see the fearless CM Punk as a vulnerable bitch. I didn't want anything. I just wanted to be known as _Phil_. Not even Phil Brooks anymore. Just Phil. Was it so hard to be known by my name instead of the name of the demon that resided inside of me?

* * *

_Jeff Hardy is angry, very angry at his brother._

_After all, he's left him to heal and rot in the hospital while he runs off to that Punk bitch of his. Dammit, what was so special about Punk? When he read his text messages that night, he read the one that sunk his heart in his chest __**Jeff I'm going to Chicago to check on Phil I'm worry about him be back soon Jeffery take care**__ and his blood just stirs. How dare he love that Punk bitch better than he does? Jeff just takes a flight after he's discharged, his head's wrapped in an already red stained white bandage and his ear is pressing against the doorway._

_He wanted to walk in but when he heard that question… "Why are you so terrified of water?" He just stopped and listened._

_He smirks as he steps back._

_He knows the perfect way to get back at Phil and Matt. He knows just the most perfect way ever. He takes his cell phone out and presses it against his ear, that smirk refuses to get out of his face, and he changes his voice so it looks exactly like Matt's and his stomach sloshes, remembering just how he used to call Matt's friends and lie to them but this is no lie… "John Morrison? Do I have to tell you something about our fearless CM Punk!"_

* * *

**Bad Jeff! Lots of evil Jeff in this fic.**

**Next chapter: Phil and Matt go back to the WWE… and they realize that the story 'somehow' spread around… how will they cope? **

**X Sam. **


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**In **_**browngirlwrites'**_** words, here's the '**_**juicy'**_** chappie. ;)**

**

* * *

****Chapter Sixteen**

That night, my eyes were heavy but I didn't want to sleep. I was busy staring at Matt's body and since he slept naked, I was very much enjoying the view and just as I was about to nod off to sleep, his eyes opened and he grinned. "Someone's enjoying the view, aren't you?" and I nodded my head but just as I was about to fall asleep, he cupped my cheek and he was leaning down to kiss him but I pushed him off.

"Matt…"

"I know. I'm sorry, b—_Phil_."

I wanted him. I really did but I knew I couldn't and there was the fact that old memories were haunting me now that Matt had asked me why I was so sad after it all and he didn't go back to sleep and I sure wasn't. His hand was running down my face while he pulled his hand off, "Sorry. I won't get too touchy, Phil."

I nodded my head and pressed my head towards the pillow and he stepped out of the bed, walking towards the fridge and getting a bottle of beer out of the fridge. "Matt, no!"

"Oh, I thought you were asleep…"

"You know how much I hate alcohol!"

Matt's eyes darkened slightly as he unscrewed the lid off his beer bottle and he drank the alcohol in front of me, and at that moment, my heart was flipping on the inside. How could he…? I stood up and walked towards him, reaching for the bottle that he hung and I jumped on top of him, causing him to fall down, breaking the bottle into pieces. I was relieved. He pushed me off and then, just then, his eyes softened as he pressed his head towards my chest. "Oh God, you have no idea how much I want you right now…"

"Why did you drink even though you know how much I hate—?"

"I'm an alcoholic. I drink when I'm upset, Phil."

"Upset?"

"I can't have you. I understand that I'm not good enough for you. That you're too good for me, Phil but…can't you just let me numb the pain?"

I stood up and stared at him, shocked at his words and I didn't know why his voice was straining so badly…did he really want me so bad? No. I couldn't go to him. He was too good for me.

"Phil…I just need one bottle…"

"I won't see you waste yourself, Matty," I held his hands and helped him up from the ground and right then, I noticed how vulnerable he was without his dose of alcohol and I helped him go towards his bed, running his hand through his back and I sat beside him, both of our bodies pressing against each other and soon, he was asleep, very asleep. My head on his side and before I could say another word, I fell asleep…

* * *

The moment that I had walked through the WWE building, with Matt Hardy behind me of course, my heart was threatening to stop.

There were pictures _everywhere_. Pictures of me naked. But how did—? My stomach was sloshing with acid and agony as I turned around to face a shocked Matt and he was the only one who knew. How could he have done this? I trusted him! The little bitch! I was so weak in the knees and I couldn't move at all. I was just so horrified. I trusted him. But I guessed in this world, I couldn't trust anyone at all. I was just so terrified and shocked at the fact that my Matt could do this to me.

"Matt! How-how could you?" My thoughts were pooling out of my mouth.

"I didn't do this! I'd never do this, Phil!"

"Haha, look, it's Phil, our behind the scenes bitch!" Jeff Hardy's voice snapped me as I looked at him, stunned and now, just hearing that hurt me too bad. I stood in front of everyone, laughing at me, at my secrets, and I didn't know what in hell's name Matt told everyone.

"Look! You can call me whatever I want! Pretend like I don't care!" I snapped at everyone and just at that, everyone went completely and utterly silent, eyes widened and my body was frozen and I pooled my thoughts out in my words. "Is this what you live for? Humiliating me?! I'm already humiliated! You want my title? Here, take it!" I didn't care about my belt anymore. I shoved it towards Jeff's chest and the boy stared at me, confused as my eyes looked at the white bandage of his.

"You want to see my humiliated? Go ahead! I've got no privacy anymore, do I? Aren't you ashamed?! What if this happened to Jeff fucking Hardy? You would be all over to him with tears and comfort! But when it happens to Phil…no…he's just a bitch who has no feelings so you can do whatever you want! Newsflash, I'm human too! But I guess you'd all probably die before you help me…"

"Phil, baby," Matt placed a hand on my shoulder but I pushed him away. I didn't need him around. I didn't need anyone around.

"How could you, Matt?! How could you?" my eyes were threatening to let the tears fall. This was all too horrible. This was the word known as betrayal. This was all too painful. "I trusted you! Yesterday, you wouldn't even believe that you could be together with me! Matt…?"

Matt was staring at me in confusion, crumpling in pain and agony, "I would never do that to you, Phil!"

"You're the only one I've ever told, Matt! How could you explain the fact that when I walk here just one day after I've told you, the entire WWE universe knows!" I exclaimed, and just then, I couldn't hold back my tears. I let them fall freely and just looking at their faces, the fearless CM Punk that had just torn and cried in front of everyone, made me want to cry harder as I held my head in my hands and sobbed recklessly. "You know what?! I don't want to be here anymore! I QUIT!"

* * *

**…**

**I'm in shock, too.**

**X Sam.**


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**This story is really becoming popular, huh? I love you all! :D You guys make my day. And this story's just beginning, you hear?**

**

* * *

****Chapter Seventeen**

* * *

_Jeff picks at his food as he stuffs his face with his spoon and he stares at the seemingly non-hungry Matt who pushes his food aside. "Matt, is there something wrong?"_

"_It's Phil."_

_Jeff hates it. He hates all of this. He doesn't want Matt to like Phil of all people. Phil is too cunning and he has no morals and he'd do anything to get what he wants and Matt, Matt is too sweet. He'd not see his brother fall for someone too hateful and deceiving and as he rolls his tongue in his mouth, Jeff smirks a small, barely seen smirk. _

"_Yeah, it's Phil…Jeff, I love him."_

"_He doesn't deserve you."_

_Matt shakes his head. "__**I**__ don't deserve him." Jeff's eyes widen and just then, Matt walks away off towards the bed and he picks up a picture of Phil from his nightstand before he falls down on his bed. "Someday…Phil…someday…" He doesn't know how to clear his name and besides, if Phil doesn't want him the way that Matt wants him to, then it's all too clear, it's time to move on…right?_

* * *

That day, I checked out of my hotel and strode outside. I didn't have a job anymore. I left the business for good and even if my 'new life' didn't start yet, my stomach was flipping with acid. I pulled and tugged at my hair that morning, too frustrated and the pain was still at my scalp but I didn't care. I looked around and everyone stared at me too coldly while I bought myself a nice, sweet bottle of Pepsi. It tasted different and by half the can, I'd already thrown it.

I had nowhere to go.

I had no home anymore.

My father said he'd disown me if I didn't quit and I did quit. Still, I didn't feel like I belonged to my own family anymore. Acid and venom sloshing around my stomach and I was ready to throw up but I didn't. I stopped in my place and when I heard my cell phone buzz, I pressed the icy metal against my ear. "Hello?"

Mike. My brother, Mike.

"Hey, Phil. Just watched Smackdown. You-you quit? You actually _quit_? I'm in shock. You had everything and you threw it all away! Why'd you do that?"

I had nothing and I didn't throw anything away but a roof over my head. Since I had no job, the money I carried in my bank was the only thing that could keep me on my feet and if I kept jumping from one hotel to the other, my money will clear up fast. I needed to get a job now.

"Why are you calling me, Mike?" my voice was bitter and I didn't care. I just wanted this day to be over smoothly before I decide to shoot and blow my brains out with a shotgun I'd buy from some lunatic salesman. What did it matter? It wasn't like anyone would care.

"I'm calling you because I'm giving you a job."

There was a sense of relief but there was also resistance. I didn't want another job. I wanted to go back to the WWE and stay there but it was too much pain. I wanted to see Matt right now but I knew that all of those memories we had were lies that I believed were true.

"There's just one catch…" oh, how could I miss this? Mike let out a nervous chuckle, "it's a job and a house in England."

I was about to drop dead. _England_? How did he even know anything about England? We lived in the US all our lives so how could he know anything about England? And how could I live the US to go to a place where no one—

Just then a thought struck me.

I knew no one there.

I could start over. Make my life the way I wanted it to be. I could start all over again. I knew that there would be tons of fans there of WWE but still, I didn't know anything about it. I could explore, I could find something that would make me happy—oh, who the hell was I kidding? I didn't care about all of that. I wanted Matt with me.

_Matt…_

I needed to get away from him.

Maybe that was the only reason I'd agree to go.

To get away from Matt. Never see him again. Because he was a poison I drank all the time, silently choking me alive, I can't live without him and I can't live with him… It was all too confusing. I didn't know what to do.

Everything was all wrong.

Nothing was right anymore.

I wanted Matt.

I couldn't have him.

I wanted life.

I couldn't have that either.

"Mike? How did you—?"

"I have a friend that lives there." Mike responded and his voice sleek and quick. "So, what do you say, Phil? Is that a 'yes' or a 'no'?"

"Mike, this is a big step for me. I'll call you in a few days." I shut my phone and I already knew that I was in the verge of saying 'yes'. I wanted to get away from these memories but I didn't think I could. I couldn't get away from my Matt. I couldn't get away from the fact that his beautiful eyes were the color of my childhood sweater and I couldn't get away from the fact that his face was haunting me wherever I went. I wanted to go back to him right now, wanted to kiss him, I needed him but then again, I was afraid of getting hurt right now. He crumpled me into pieces. Shattered me.

Matt…

I walked around for a while, all alone and that night, I didn't know where I should go so I slipped into the bus station and slept in the back seat. CM Punk, who used to dine and live in the most luxurious hotels, was now at the back of a bus, trying to go to sleep but couldn't because of those nightmares that violently attacked him at night.

What the hell was I going to do?

* * *

**This was more of a filler chapter but it's still a chappie, people! Review??**

**X Sam.**


	18. Chapter Eighteen

**And the plot thickens...or thins...whatever.**

* * *

**Chapter Eighteen**

* * *

_Matt wants to stop._

_He doesn't remember when he's started but he knows that he can't stop even if he tries and he knows that he can't handle all of this but he's convinced that he can anyways and he shoves the too many white pills inside of his throat until he feels the acid burn and he looks down at the halfway empty bottle of pills and he's shaking as he presses his head towards the wall. "Gone…all gone…" Matt's voice is cracking. "My Phil…gone…" _

_He's reaching to screw the lid but he doesn't want to but he needs to stop. "Phil…I'm becoming a monster…" the thing that Phil hates the most and he's becoming that and as his body shakes and he lets the bottle of pills drop the floor, crack completely and utterly and the pills fall, scatter all around and soon, Matt's heart fractures into pieces… "Phil…I'm sorry…Phil—baby…"_

_He tries to stop taking these pills but they can't and he knows that every tiny pill is killing so much in his body._

_He doesn't care._

_Phil's gone…_

_And he's taken Matt's heart with him too._

* * *

The world around me was too dull.

I had breakfast in John Hennigan's house only because he was sweet enough and guilty enough to let me in and he offered to help me out but I shook my head at him and walked away. It was five hours since that and my body was freezing and I wanted to buy a coat but I knew that my money was limited now so I shook and shivered while I walked around the streets, my backpack and its contents was the only thing I owned and I wished I could own a smile, just a fake one but I couldn't smile.

I was too torn.

I was walking down the streets, my arms wrapped around my chest as I shook and shivered and I suddenly stopped walking and scanned the street that had people just walking and not caring and this world around me was too cruel and as I walked towards a coffee shop for a quick lunch, I sat down in a huddled corner and I didn't pay attention to who came in and who came out but then—I saw him all over again.

Matt Hardy.

There was something about him that was too different but I couldn't understand and those eyes were the same and that heart was the same but there was something that I couldn't see that was there and my heart was cracking into pieces as he walked towards me, sitting down right next to me. "Phil?"

"Just go away."

I loved him. I really did.

And I wanted to say my 'please, don't make this harder on me than usual' or a sugary sweet 'I don't wanna go' but nothing came out of my mouth except for the thoughts that were whirling a tornado in my head, rushing fast and painful and I couldn't do anything about it.

"Phil, please," Matt said, sitting down beside me, running his finger down my face, "I didn't do that. You know me. I wouldn't do any of that."

"I don't believe you."

I wanted to believe it but I couldn't and the evidence just didn't fit and as I sat down beside him, laying my head on his shoulder, feeling the warmth of his body as I pressed against him, feeling the softness of his skin, feeling the heat of our bodies as we rubbed against each other and I wanted him so bad and my body acted this way even if I didn't want this to happen. Even if I knew that this would just cause confusion and prolong the pain…even if I deserved it, Matt didn't.

"Phil?" Matt broke the silence that stirred between us.

"Matt, just go away," I pushed him away and it was hard, especially looking into those eyes and knowing that I break whenever I look at that beautiful, curved face of his, that bloated full flush of his face, and I just wanted to die just looking into that perfection of his. Something I could never have. I wanted to cup his cheeks, tell him that I loved him and I didn't want to leave him. And knowing all that just made me fragile and knowing all that just made me feel weak and broken. I didn't want to feel this way.

"I know you want me."

That made me want to cry. I wanted him so much. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to love him. I wanted him. All of him. And knowing that I can't have him made me want to cry even harder.

I had to contain myself from breaking down.

"Matt…you know I can't—"

"I didn't tell anyone, baby, I swear. I honor you too much. I will never do that to you." Matt said and in his voice, I could hear the truth but I didn't know—there was something inside of me that prevented me from trusting him again, this security blanket that I didn't want to get out of and besides, even if I could trust him, I had to tell him that I couldn't go back to wrestling because I didn't want my father to disown me and I didn't want him to snap at my parents again. They'd disown me for sure and I didn't know why I cared. Maybe because they raised me…even if it was all wrong—he still was my father and she still was my mother and my sisters and brother—

"Matt, I wanna believe that…it's just that…"

"What, Phil? What?" his voice was filled with concern, stabbing pain, wrenching with sadness.

I didn't know how to say any other word. Nothing came out of my mouth. I just stared into his eyes and soon, he leaned down to kiss me, both of our tongues entwined into each other and for once, I just couldn't pull away…

* * *

**What do you think?**

**Do you like it?**

**Do you hate it?**

**Tell me!**

**X Sam.**


	19. Chapter Nineteen

**In response to **_**Seraphalexiel**_**, yes, he's on drugs. It's just a new thing I'm trying. To me, any idea that comes in my head. I just do it.**

* * *

**Chapter Nineteen**

That morning, when I had woken up in my hotel and after doing my morning biddings, half-naked, I heard someone knock the door and I poked my head out the door but when I knew that it was Matt, I let him step even if I had no pants or boxers on and for some unknown reason, I knew that I could let him watch me like this…almost as if my body was his instead. I had nothing to hide from him.

When I dressed up, I looked into Matt's eyes, filled with lust and want and I wanted him too. I knew that it was in my eyes too. I knew it… and my heart was thudding so damn fast in my chest—and his arms wrapped around my waist and he tackled me to the bed, both of our tongues twisting into each other and I didn't stop him. Our bodies entangling into each other and I could feel his throbbing cock against my thigh.

I held onto his shoulder, "Matt… I have to tell you something."

"No, I wanna show you something," Matt said, stepping away from me and holding my chin up so that both of our eyes locked with each other and he pressed his mouth to mine and we started kissing again, a beautiful kiss that made my heart burst from life and love and when he pulled away, my heart was bursting with warmth as both of our bodies burn with each other, infused with each other.

"Matt…" I was lunging for breath but he didn't care. He grabbed onto my hand and as I was ready to move away, he grabbed me by my side, both of his hands on my side as Matt's lips pressed towards my cheek and I stared at him and just as the mood broke, he was very swift as he cradled my body towards his chest. "Matt?"

"Close your eyes."

I didn't know what Matt had planned exactly but I did as I was told and soon, I heard the sound of him closing the door with the other hand as he held me with the other and now, with both hands carrying me, I heard the chattering of people but couldn't understand a word they were saying and suddenly, silence, the only thing that kept me from opening my eyes was analyzing the coldness and shortness of his breath as it steadied and then, he just stopped and pulled me to a hard, cold floor and he sat right next to me, and I heard a familiar sound as I buried my head into his stomach and then—"open your eyes."

I opened my eyes to realize that—

Fear overtook me.

We were on a boat, in a lake just close to the hotel and I was ready to get away but I couldn't. I stared at him. "Matt?"

"Come here," Matt whispered and I nodded my head, letting the fear show in my eyes as I slid towards him, pressing my head to his chest as he ran his hand down my back and he curled his tongue in my mouth and as we locked eyes with each other, I leaned upwards and kissed him, soft and passionate and when I pulled apart from him, his head pressed against my shoulder. "Phil…baby…"

I had to tell him this.

I had to tell him that I might go away towards England.

Right now, I was melting into his arms and I didn't want to tell him anything but the stress was still there and his hand ran over my hair and I tried to let it all go away…

* * *

_Matt Hardy looks down at Phil Brooks._

_His Phil._

_And his Phil is tense and sweat is pouring of his pores and Matt pretends not to notice. He has to tell Phil the truth. That he's taking drugs. He remembers all of a sudden that he's taken it after he's ruined Phil's life._

_The day that he'd seen his Phil break because he'd told everyone about his past…but he hadn't. He just can't understand how…_

_And the pills…they're just sitting there in the drawer…_

_He'd taken one at first but one becomes two and two becomes thirty too much and this morning, he tries to quit but it's becoming so addictive and right now, he's eaten more than fifty pills just today morning and it's really scaring him…the addiction to it all…he can't take it anymore._

_He has to tell his Phil._

* * *

"I need to tell you something."

"I need to tell you something."

Both of our eyes locked with each other, his beautiful chocolate brown eyes melted with sorrow as he cupped my cheek and kissed me but he simply said, "the WWE miss you."

I didn't believe it. Tuning into Smackdown, I realized no one even noticed that I was gone the day after and I wasn't really shocked because after all, everything was about Jeff Hardy, go ahead, and forget about CM Punk because after all, he wasn't human. He was a monster. He…my heart ached as I looked at him. "What do you have to say?"

My voice was cracking.

They didn't need me here but why was it so hard so said that I was going away? I needed to say this. I couldn't keep this away from Matt but at the same time, I couldn't tell Matt. There was so much confusion in this stupid world and I didn't want to get tossed in this world anymore.

Matt ran his hand down my side and a whimper escaped my throat. "Matt…" my voice was cracking so badly that he had to kiss my nose and he put a finger to my lips, "don't say anything, Phil."

There was silence burning as he leaned down to kiss me, quick and soft and he ran his hand down my side once more. "Phil, you mean everything to me," he told me, his voice laced with love and affection, "I don't want to see you like this. Please, be happy."

"I don't know what happiness is anymore," I told him and my voice was laced with the desolation and agony I had felt on the inside. I didn't want to get away from Matt. Matt was the only closure to my life. The only thing that made me feel complete and I didn't want him to go away. I didn't want to get away from him but I needed a job. I was a burden to Matt now.

Two months later, I'd come back and when I'd ask him about CM Punk, he was going to demand from me 'who the hell was CM Punk?'—that would just be it. He wouldn't stay faithful to me. He wouldn't care for me like this anymore—after how much I'll break him just by saying those words.

"Please, Phil, smile."

I managed to have a weak smile settle on my face but then it broke the second I had I managed to plaster it on my face.

"Matt…M-Matt… I'm going to England in a few days."

I had decided. I was going to England and I knew that this could be the worst mistake of my life but I needed to this. I couldn't go out in the streets anymore without someone insulting me. I needed to be a different person, leave a whole new mark and I needed a job and a place to stay and—

I was so sorry, Matt.

"What?" his voice was breaking and tears were threatening to spew from his eyes. Matt's face paled, completely drained from his face. "Phil…? Why are you leaving? I'm sorry! I didn't do anything! I swear—please, don't leave me, Phil."

I just didn't know what to say.

I just stared into those eyes. His words scratched me. I didn't know how to say a word. I was just silent and I was ready to break into pieces just by looking into his eyes. I was really hurting him.

But he'd get through with this, right…?

I was nothing.

Why did he pretend that I was something?

I stared down into the water and he took me home and once I was there, I went inside without another word or another kiss or another hug or anything, we didn't even look at each other.

His words just destroyed me.

"Phil…? Why are you leaving? I'm sorry! I didn't do anything! I swear—please, don't leave me, Phil."

With those words, I had my bottle of rubbing alcohol on the floor and I stared at my still there cuts as I stirred the rod in the alcohol and I ran the rod down my arm as I felt the burning pain of the acid burn through the cuts of me and the pale skin turned suddenly raw and red and my spine was ready to break.

I was _addicted_.

To _pain_.

Because I deserved to_ lose all my blood_. I deserved to _die_.

* * *

**Hasn't this been sad? I always have a thing for the sad stuff. That's just my specialty.  
**

**The last chapter is the last chappie with Matty. _Nooo_! More people should write some Phil/Matt fluff, seriously. THERE ISN'T ENOUGH. And reviews, please? I want some! I want some! I want some! XD.**

**X Sam.**


	20. Chapter Twenty

**To _Seraphalexiel_, yeah, that last part was part on the boat and part in Phil's room. **

**And more **_**ChipMUNK**_** pain. Yes, I know, I'm horrible with these pairing names. XD. But I'm trying! So be nice and I happen to like it. Then again, I'm weird. I'm sure someone will get a better pairing name than me but it's hard…how do you guys come up with pairing names? Punkertaker? **_**Genius**_**. JeriPunk? **_**Genius**_**. Mizenaton? **_**Genius**_**. **

**I find it hard to make up these names…**

**ENOUGH OF MY RANDOM RAMBLING. On with the chappie!**

**

* * *

****Chapter Twenty**

I woke up with my body sprayed onto the floor and my thoughts were broken and I didn't even know who I was until I looked into the mirror and my life flashed before my eyes, the horror and terror of these thirty years that I lived in this life and I wanted to die, last night, I realized that I had nothing to live for anymore but I still pushed myself. Even if my body couldn't take it anymore and my brains were ready to explode and my heart was pounding.

They won't care.

Let me watch my own brains blow out in front of me. No one cared and neither did I anymore.

They won't fucking care.

That afternoon, I packed my belongings and that was easy since I almost had nothing but this black duffel bag with its contents and now, standing in front of the train, I waited to hop on the train but I felt a hand take me and I looked into the sad, detached eyes of Matt Hardy.

We didn't say anything as we both hopped on the bus and it was an hour long ride from here to the airport as we sat down on the back of the bus, away from everyone and anyone and I laid my head on his shoulder as he ran his hand down my back and my heart was breaking so badly. I didn't know why Matt was still here. I thought he'd be gone by now, cursing me.

This only made it worse.

This only made the pain worse.

And I _liked_ it.

I thought at a compartment in my duffel bag where I kept my razors and I knew that as soon as I had gotten into England, I knew what I had to do, punish myself for all the pain I had caused Matt, for all the pain that I had seen Matt endure just because of me…he didn't deserve this.

It made the guilt go away.

Even for a while.

I didn't look like a cutter.

I thought cutters were supposed to have cuts all over their bodies and wear too much black and had short hair and that "flippy thing" that I always saw in those emo kids but I didn't look like a cutter.

I wasn't only cutting.

It was just anything to make me feel the pain. To show myself how worthless I was. To make myself burn with the darkness. I was worthless and I knew it.

"Matt…"

"Phil…"

The pain in our voices. We wanted each other and I knew it. But he was so childish. He didn't know what love was and I would never know what love meant. I didn't know how to give Matt what he deserved.

He could have anything, anyone—

And he chose me?

"Matt…I have to do this…it's not you." I stared into him and I didn't want to tell him that my father was going to disown me if I didn't. "It's me. I'm just a horrible person. I don't want to hurt you. I'm doing this for you—"

"No, Phil," he cut me off, holding onto my shoulders. "If you want to do something for me, stay…I swear I didn't do anything…I swear that I didn't tell anyone about you…Phil." He was whimpering by the end. "Phil…don't…"

I held onto his face and I leaned down as I pressed my lips to him and we ignored the look of disgust plastered on the faces of everyone.

I leaned away and looked into his eyes and I didn't dare let my hands move away from him. He felt so right. And I fitted with him but I just couldn't—

"Phil, don't go."

"You know that I have to do this."

He looked down and tried to compose himself and I stared at that face, the face that was covered in agonizing pain and my heart was ready to break. I didn't like seeing him like this. It was just too much for me.

"Phil, you're my everything. Before you, I thought that I could never love anyone. I could be romantic but with you…God, there was no romance. Everything was just love. Those are two different things, baby." His words were laced with love and affection. "And then, when you came along, I was alive. I knew what love was. They said that if you didn't know what love was, you were dead. I was dead. You were my wake up call…I swear I'd sell my soul to the devil to make you stay…I'd bleed for you…my heart is yours and I really want you to hold it instead of stabbing it like this…"

His words.

His eyes.

I couldn't handle it.

"Matt, you don't understand. I'm nothing. You're everything. I'm just some shit. I'm that movie that everyone watches today and love but two days later, they'd just call me shit. That's me. You may like me now but after it's all over and you find someone better than I am…someone that can give you what I can't…you realize you don't even like me then."

I snorted, a chuckle escape my lips even if I didn't want to laugh. I wanted to cry. "I'm like those cookies you always ate when you were young and you were obsessed with them but as you grew older, you just smash it to pieces now…Smash me to pieces, Matt. Tell me that I'm horrible. Tell me I'm all fucked up… I know I am… I just don't want you to end up getting fucked up because of me…"

The bus stopped and I stood up to walk away. Trying to hold back tears as I tried not to look back.

"…I love you, Phil…"

I stopped right there.

My heart was breaking into pieces.

Did he…?

Those words…?

I was ready to cry. I truly was. Did he just say those words to me…?

I bit my lower lips and let the tears slide off my face as I walked away. I couldn't say those words. I didn't know the meaning of those words.

It was in my head all day.

He told me he loved me.

The emotion that was in his voice.

The life.

The horror.

The pain.

I can't take it…

I'm just all fucked up…

* * *

**Damn. This was one **_**sad**_** chapter. My heart was ready to rip out of my chest. I swear. I felt my stomach slosh. It's gone now though. This chapter has got to be one of my favorites.  
Matt: NOO! Phil!  
Matt muse is still upset.  
Calm down, Matt muse. :D**

**Review?  
X Sam.**


	21. Chapter Twenty One

**Sorry, sweethearts, I had to put Matt in it. Even if it's just a little bit of Matt love. XD.  
**

**Chapter Twenty One**

I was in England now.

I couldn't believe it.

The British accent was always something that used to annoy me as I grew up and now, I heard it all the time and I couldn't ignore it. It was the morning and I was still looking for jobs. I had gotten a job offer in a supermarket and another one in a restaurant but I felt so worthless and useless.

From a wrestler to a waiter?

From a wrestler to a bagger?

My stomach was sloshing with horror as I realized how educated these people were and how cruel the British system was and in the midst of this all, I sat down on the bench of the park and I held back my tears as I looked around the park and it was the only thing that reminded me of Chicago, the same parks as America and I could even push away the British accents of the children as I put my head in my hands and I sobbed recklessly.

No Matt to wipe away my tears.

Matt…

I wanted him. I needed him.

I couldn't understand why I was doing this anymore. _I JUST WANTED TO GO HOME!_ I wanted Matt! I wanted to see him. I _l-l-l-loved _him and he would never know that but I couldn't say it.

My head.

Matt…

_I-I-I-I_ love you.

And he'd never know that.

By night, I took the job at the restaurant and I bunked in a bus so I couldn't spend too much money. Money here was tight, everything was so damn expensive and I couldn't even afford staying in the bus for long and now that I was descending out of the tenth bus and the colors were all around and _I-I_ sat down on the floor and I was practically sobbing when I tried falling asleep.

Why did this have to happen…?

The only thing I had now was the clothes on my back and my backpack.

_I OWNED _**NOTHING**_._

Not even my heart anymore. That was property of Matthew Moore Hardy now. Did you know how it felt like to own nothing?!

I felt so worthless.

I wanted to go home.

I really did.

And I wanted to be this CM Punk mask I've always worn and now, just as I was about to leave, I heard a voice from behind me.

"Hey…pretty face CM Punk, huh?" a man, who looked fairly old and just as I was about to go away, he held my hand, "want to make some extra bucks, bitch?"

"You mean like…"

"How old are you? Like thirty? Don't you understand an invitation to fuck? I thought a bitch like you is supposed to know…" he came close to me, "or do you have a better place to stay tonight?"

I didn't say anything.

He gave me a $50 and he grabbed onto my arm, dragging me off towards the darkness…

What was I doing?

I was CM Punk…and I was a prostitute here?

* * *

His place was dark and dingy.

I wanted to get out when I stepped in but somehow, I ended up spending the night and breathless and in pain, I heard the sound of my cell phone buzzing and I pushed my body towards the edge of the bed so I took my jeans and dug out the cold metallic phone before pressing it against my ear, "Phil?"

Matt.

"Matt-"

A grunt escaped the man's lips as he ran his hand down my cheek. "Hey, CM Punk, give me some sheets, it's not all your bed you know."

I gave him the rest of my sheets which left me completely and utterly naked and cold but I didn't care. I needed to hear Matt's words, I needed to hear his voice…it was the only thing that was linking me to sanity.

"Who was that, Phil?"

"A guy. He's one of my costumers."

"Phil! What the hell—? You're a _prostitute_?! Phil, come back here! I don't want you to get hurt! PHIL!"

"…too late…"

"Phil…"

The way I sounded. I almost hurt myself but I knew that no matter how Matt felt for me, I didn't deserve his arms wrapped around me.

I was too horrible.

I was too terrible and horrid and I can't—

"Phil, I love you. Why are you doing this to me? Why are you doing this to _you_?"

"Because I hate myself!" I screamed out loud, causing the man to smack me at the back of my neck and when I'd turned down my voice, I spoke, soft and slurred. "I hate myself…I don't know who I am…I don't know why anyone should love me and…I…I hate me so bad…I deserve to bleed, Mat…I'm addicted, Matt…" sobs slowly falling out of my lips and I tried to contain myself.

But with Matt, it was hard.

"Why am I losing everything, Matty…?"

More sobs that I couldn't get rid of.

"Phil, please, calm down…come back…we miss you…"

"That's a lie!" I exclaimed, suddenly my sobs turned louder but the man was so sound asleep that he didn't really care and I rubbed out my unshed tears. "No one misses me! No one even cares, Matt!"

"…I care."

That got me.

It made the sobs stop but the tears still fell.

"…I miss you."

"…Matt…"

"I know I'm fucked up, too, Phil but I still love you and I'd do anything to just touch you one more time."

"Matt, please," I was crying and sobbing now. "Matt…please…"

"I know. I'm pathetic. I know that I'm horrible! Just don't say anything anymore, Phil! Just tell me this…can you tell me you love me, even if it's fake? I need to have a little hope in my miserable life."

"I can't."

"Phil…"

"I can't," I whispered. "It's too much for me, Matt. I'm sorry." And that was when my low battery disconnected the call and the tears were still freely overflowing from my eyes. I wanted to tell him that I loved him.

I just couldn't say those three words.

Too much for me.

* * *

**...next chappie will be an intake of them a YEAR LATER. :) **

**X Sam.**


	22. Chapter Twenty Two

**Just a glimpse of their lives right now. My twist is in the next chapter.**

**

* * *

****Chapter Twenty Two**

It's been a year.

_6:00._

I'd always wake up that time specifically.

I'd be asleep, covered into bits of the sheets as I'd freeze and my eyes would slowly open to see the dark sky even if it was still morning and—

I'd still remember my Matt.

_7:00._

I'd be outside, staring disgusted at the people around me who dared to smoke in front of me.

I'd go to my job.

Spend the next few hours there, working my ass off as a waiter of all fucking things. And when I'd finish my shift, I'd head out.

_3:00._

I'd look for food.

I'd always settle for the same food even if I looked through menu's and I'd always finish eating twenty minutes afterwards but I stayed there anyways, looking at silver wear and thinking of Matt.

I swore that I'd never think of Matt again.

Yet I always do it.

_4:00._

Just walking around the park.

Pretending that I was looking for something when I had nothing and I still did after so long and no one even fucking remembered a guy named CM Punk.

I was right.

No one cared.

_5:00._

Another walk, just around the streets.

I'd lost so much weight out of all this walking and my lack of food and I still didn't know anyone and I still only had this backpack and I pretended not to care that the world was too cruel on me as I stopped in the middle of the store to pick up a bottle of water that I still believed cost too much.

That was the ending of another much wasted hour.

_6:00._

Usually, by then, I'd be around a bar—or as they called it, a 'pub' and drunken men would take me to their houses and I'd have to sit through them banging me for hours on end just for a measly $50.

I got no calls for my parents.

I got no calls from Matt.

I wanted to call him but I was afraid.

What if he didn't remember me…?

I knew that was what I knew was going to happen but I just couldn't face it happening.

_10:00._

I'd be trying to go to sleep.

My life was a routine. It was always the same and I hated it. I hated every minutes that passed by.

Sometimes, I wondered why I insisted on living.

* * *

_It's been a year._

_Matt lives his life by the same routine._

1:00.

_He'd always woken up at such a late time and he doesn't remember why. _

_He goes downstairs to eat his tasteless food and he walks towards the arena and mumbles something about oversleeping before he and Jeff head off to the gym and he tries not to think of Phil but everything in the world reminds him of Phil. So many things remind him of Phil's eye color and his own hair reminds him of Phil's and the way Jeff's hair is straight—all Phil._

_He can't take it anymore._

_Yet he still tries to cope._

3:00.

_After the gym, Jeff would go to a restaurant and Matt will always tell him that he's already eaten before he orders a nice Pepsi just for the memories and when he'd drink, the only thoughts would be of his Phil and he knows that he's pathetic but he doesn't know how to get rid of those thoughts._

_His Phil._

_Gone._

4:30.

_At home._

_He'd try to do the normal things he does, playing around with paint, tanning with no success, playing around with the joy stick but he still feels no drive to do any of these things—it's almost as if he's trying to force himself to do the things that he used to love to do._

6:00.

_He'd be on phone with Jeff._

_Hearing the little boy's cries of pleasure and life as he mentions what he's done throughout the day and Matt tries to be happy for his little brother._

_But somewhere along the lines, Phil's taken Matt's happiness away with him._

8:00.

_Jeff would finally say he has to go and Matt would just say a simple 'bye' before he curls up on the couch with a blanket and staring at the floor and he'd let his crying time begins as he sobs and he wonders why he can't just blow his own brains out._

10:00.

_Trying to go to sleep._

_No avail. No hope for that happening anytime soon._

4:00.

_Finally falling asleep…_

* * *

**Man, I can really make a story sad. XD.**

**Next chapter has one of my big twists. You'll lovie. They get to re-meet. Yayyyyyyyyy!**

**X Sam.**


	23. Chapter Twenty Three

**The chapter that we've all been waiting for…me more but hey, I guess you've been waiting for this chappie, too. You guys have no idea how much I planned for this story so...this is practically nothing to what I have laying out for you guys! XD.**

**I know. I'm evil. Deal with it.  
**

**Chapter Twenty Three**

"Phil?"

First phone call I've ever heard from Mike. Anyone really.

"Phil, I know this is short notice but my daughter's birthday is coming up soon and I'd love if you'd come. It's back here in America…do you need the money? Do you think you can make it?"

_No. No. No. Leave me alone._

I said 'yes' anyways.

"It's in North Carolina. It's at a beach."

I didn't know if I could go to a beach party. Why did everything I have to do have to throw me back to the beach? I said 'okay' anyways and forced myself to get out of bed and I knew that at least I could do something to make my niece smile but then again, she didn't care anyways.

I bought a plane ticket and hopped onto the plane that night.

I truly had nothing to look forward to. I just said 'yes' because I wanted to get away from this nightmare of place and now, as I stepped inside of North Carolina's air and I truly felt like I had never left and I didn't want to leave…

But I knew that I had to.

I'd stay here for a few days and pretend that I was fine—

Before going back to live my miserable life until the day I died. Choked on the misery of life because that was the only thing I could do. Suffocated on the horror and terror of being alive because that was the only thing I could do.

By the time that I had checked into a hotel, I had left.

I didn't even pack.

It felt like home around here.

I could be lazy. I didn't feel like a bitch around here even if I was and now, as I stood at the beach, with my niece's gift in my sweaty hands and I walked inside of the sand and so many memories flowed through my head.

This really was home.

It was as close to love as I could ever get.

* * *

"_Matt!"_

_Matt's eyes slowly open to see his brother, Jeff, standing in his swim trunks and lugging around his blue duffel bag as he jumps up and down. _

"_It's the perfect weather for the beach, Matt!" and now, as Jeff grabs onto Matt's hand and leads him towards the bathroom, Matt forces himself to strip out of his normal clothing and wear a towel before doing his morning bidding and then showering and then getting outside to wear his trunks and this seems like it takes forever. "Hurry up, Matty!"_

_Jeff's been saying his name so much in the car that he's beginning to hate it._

_When Matt stops at the beach, he realizes that there's a party for a tiny girl and then his heart stops when he sees that last name 'Brooks' on the banner and his eyes scan for his Phil._

"_Matt?"_

_Matt's head twists towards Jeff. "Hmm?"_

"_I'm gonna go tan over there, you join me when you feel like it! Go get me some ice cream though first!"_

_Matt nods his head even if he's not hearing a world._

_He looks for his prince but he doesn't know if he's there and his hearts slumps with pain and agony and desolation as he sits down onto his lime green towel and that's when his eye catches his Phil…_

"_Phil?"_

_Matt's heart is about to explode from joy, seeing Phil standing there by the water, looking down at the cold, icy water._

"_Phil…?"_

_Matt's voice is cracking and tears are threatening to fall from his eyes._

"_Phil!"_

_The voice belongs to Jeff Hardy that time… _

* * *

"Phil!"

That voice belonged to Jeff Hardy.

Great, just my luck. My eyes scanned the beach towards where Jeff was and my eyes caught the sight of my Matt there too as my heart ripped into pieces at the sight of him. He was here. My Matt…

Jeff stood up and walked over towards me with those dark eyes, hatred filling every gap of his and he curled his lips into a smirk. "What are you doing here? I thought you were in England."

"I _was_," I snapped at him, coldness consuming every word that slipped out of my tongue, "but now, I'm back here for my niece's birthday. Gonna stay here a few days before I head out. What's it to you, Hardy?"

Jeff laughed, a simple, dark chortle as he stared at me and he stepped into the water and I looked away in disgust of the water around me. I just didn't like the ocean after the shark epidemic, and even if my cuts were healed now and the scars were healing as well, I didn't want to step in the water. "Hey, Punk, get in here. Or are you…scared?"

That just ticked me off.

I knew I was scared.

I was petrified.

But I snapped my head towards him and stepped inside of the cold water and I knew how unwelcoming it was and as I looked at Matt, who was staring at me with wide eyes and his party open mouth, his teeth barely showing, but it still gleamed a shine in the sunlight and now, I felt Jeff tugging at my trunks and I looked at him. "What?"

"Dare to go any deeper?"

He swam deep into the end and I shook my head as I tried to deeper but I was too scared and when I had reached the deepest end I could without drowning, I was holding onto a rock, I was just too scared to cross the barrier and Jeff could see that. That little cunning bitch.

"What? Can't go any deeper?" Jeff asked me, provoking my sense.

"No." My voice had that slight hint of fear and I didn't care.

Jeff laughed his laugh as he grabbed onto my wrist and pulled me into the deeper side and I had lost my balance as I hopped deep inside of the water and the blackness was rushing through and the water smothered my nose and…

Matt…

* * *

_The moment Matt has seen that, his heart raced and he stands up and runs towards the water, jumping in all too quickly and he watches as Jeff stares at him in confusion as he pushes past Jeff and looks around for his loved one and he dips his head into the clear water, seeing a fainted Phil lying down there and he pushes himself further into the water, his hand reaching out for Phil but when he feels Phil gain slight consciences, it makes Matt accidentally push Phil towards a rock and Phil has bumped his head hard, the impact has almost crushed his skull and Matt reaches for the surface, unable to take the pain that he's causing Phil._

_He pushes Phil towards the surface and swims towards the shore that seems all too far away and he pushes Phil to the hot sandy beach, shuffling away those pieces of drenched, wet hair that's in front of Phil's face before he leans down to CPR him and as he breathes into his mouth, his eyes burn with unshed tears. Matt is about to give up but he reaches out to give him another inhalation of oxygen and soon, Phil's spitting out water, the acidic water bubbling from his throat._

_Matt grabs onto his body and cradles him towards his chest before he walks towards the car, not caring about the 'supposedly concerned' faces that are staring at him. He has to get Phil to the hospital. Now._

"_I'm tireeeeeedddd…" Phil whines in his weak voice, his throat aching and burning and as Matt gets ready to stop the car to see Phil's need, his eyes catch the now sleeping Phil and he continues to drive…_

_**Please, be okay…**_

* * *

**X Sam.**


	24. Chapter Twenty Four

**Until now, I own nothing from the lyrics of '**_**How to Save a Life'**_** so…it's not my property. I just had to write this chapter like this. Ignore the lyrics (like I need to tell you twice). You can see that that the brilliant stuff doesn't belong to me. XD. **

**

* * *

****Chapter Twenty Four**

Step one you say we need to talk  
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk  
He smiles politely back at you  
You stare politely right on through  
Some sort of window to your right  
As he goes left and you stay right  
Between the lines of fear and blame  
You begin to wonder why you came

"_Matt?"_

_After two hours of waiting for the results of Phil's tests, remembering only the image of his Phil trying to cling onto him and not go, Matt's heart is pounding and thudding in every way, thinking that his Phil could get hurt…and he wants him to be okay, he truly does but he doesn't know if Phil wants to see him after this all and standing there by the doorway, the Doctor leads Matt to Phil, where Phil lies down with closed eyes and the Doctor's fingers circling around the damaged flesh of his, the drastic dried blood that's clumped up in his flesh—_

_Matt's eyes widen. _

_After so many years of wrestling and being in pain, he's never seen so many cuts in his life and he doesn't know how they had gotten there on his skin, his used to be so perfect sky, is now embossed with cuts and bruises and Matt wants to pull his face away from all of this but he can't and Phil grunts and rolls over, sleeping perfectly on his battered arms and this causes Matt to feel even more shocked._

_How could he ignore all the pain…?_

_He can't._

_He can't._

_He can't ignore the pain. _

_And Phil knows it well. He just deserves it and now, lying on top of his arm, he tries not to cry out in pain, his throat's so dry and he's just so damn tired and he doesn't know if he can say another word as his throat dries harder and harder and tiny tears are tugging at the corner of Phil Brooks' eyes but he tries not to care as he grunts one more time before slipping back to sleep. He just can't stay conscious, his head is pounding and pounding and pounding and he can't take it anymore. He slowly slips off to his sleep with his slightly parted mouth, showing off the tiny pearly white teeth of his._

_Matt stares._

_That's all he can do._

_His Phil's arms are battered and he doesn't know why. "There's more." _

_Matt's heart races as the Doctor pulls the sheet off, exposing Phil's legs, his completely and utterly battered and tattered and damaged legs, cuts all over the place, bruises the size of stencils and he leans down to kiss Phil's cheek, barely able to hold back the tears that are forming in his eyes. "How did this happen, Matt?"_

"_I…I don't know."_

"_Do his parents care about him? What does he work as?"_

"_He works as a waiter."_

"_And his parents?"_

"_They'd never abuse him." From what Matt remembers, it can be abuse, remembering how his father had hit the little boy when Matt had visited him to help him through this 'difficult time' and to see if his Phil is okay. "Or…it's possible." He shakes his head. "But I think Phil would've told me—"_

"_People hide stuff all the time."_

_Matt nods his head._

_Matt completely and utterly blames himself. How could he let his Phil slip away, go to England, get hurt like this…? And from what he sees, Phil is very used to the pain, almost as if he's enjoying it in some sadistic way and that causes a fear to strike in Matt's heart as he runs his fingers through his Phil's cheek._

"_We're gonna get through this, baby…" he whispers._

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life

_A friend…?_

_Is that Phil ever was?_

_Matt shakes his head. Phil is more than just a friend, a soul mate, a lover, a boyfriend, a fiancée, a husband…anything that has to relate to the love that Matt's feeling for him, the affection that's been bubbling for him for the past year…it's still there. It's love. It's affection. It's pure life._

_It's his fault._

_He knows it._

_He's put so much pressure on the boy._

_Told him he loved him._

_And watched him walk away._

_Matt should've known that Phil never wanted a relationship with him then and he doesn't want one now. Matt sits down besides Phil and when it's time to go, he doesn't go and he knows that he can't go as he sits down beside his Phil, his fingers running over the ragged clothing of his hospital gown as he kisses the back of Phil's neck. _

"_Please, I don't want anything to be wrong with you, baby…"_

_Tears spring out of his eyes._

_He can't hide them anymore._

"_He's so young…this is so unfair…"_

_Sobs rake out of his mouth._

"…_Phil…"_

Let him know that you know best  
Cause after all you do know best  
Try to slip past his defense  
Without granting innocence  
Lay down a list of what is wrong  
The things you've told him all along  
And pray to God he hears you  
And pray to God he hears you

_This is crazy._

_He's talking to a blacked out, out cold Phil and he doesn't care. In some sense, he knows that he's listening, in some sense, it's his freaky way of comfort and he doesn't know how to stop. _

"_And there was this one time that Jeff threw the soda accidentally on my new white suit, damn…that was one hell of a wedding. My aunt thought I was making fun of her since I always went to her gatherings with ragged clothes and this time, when I came to her wedding with brown stains all over my suit, she told me that she'd never invite me to anything else—except she'd be there for my wedding 'where I'd walk down the aisle with orange juice spluttered all over my tie' and I told her—'who said if I was wearing a tie?' it was a nice little evening. You know, she still considers me messy even if I've been a neat freak for years."_

_Matt runs his finger through Phil's skin and Matt's heart is exploding into bits and pieces as he stares at those cuts and bruises, those bruises that still remained the sizes of stencils, and the cuts are still deep and painful and clotted with all too much thick clotted blood and he runs his hand through Phil's stomach, the soft flesh of his body, and Phil's mouth is partly opened, with those still that hint of white glinting off his teeth._

"_How could anyone do this to you? You've been suffering for too much, Phil. You've been hurt too damn much. How did you get hurt, Phil…? Did your parents do this to you—? Baby—please, tell me—" _

_Matt breaks down and lets his head fall onto Phil's shoulder, the soft flesh that's too smooth to be on this battered body. Matt leans down to give Phil a soft kiss on his dead lips and tears are threatening to splutter out of his eyes._

"_Who did this to you, baby?"_

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life

"_He did."_

_That's what shakes Matt out of his trance, not thinking of anyone but Phil at all and thinking of it all, thinking that Phil might do this, is scaring his body and fear bubbles inside of his body too fast and explosive terror and horror burns into his skin, sinking in every particle of his blood and no words come out of his mouth at all and his throat is aching and straining with twisted pain._

"_Huh? Did he—?"_

_The Doctor simply nods his head. "Yeah," his voice is dry and flat and he watches as Matt runs his hand through Phil's tattered and scruffy arm, so much bloodied cuts and so many stencil sized bruises that make Matt want to flinch just at the sight of them. "He cut himself? He did this to himself?"_

_The Doctor nods his head. "We found so many traces of rubbing alcohol and this increases the pain of a cut. It makes it unbearable, too. We also find traces of glass and it shows that Phil has been cutting with glass, too and there's also the fact that Phil has so many cuts all at once—it's a sign of a cutter. He seems to always wear long sleeve shirts and from what I know from you, he seems to put himself down a lot."_

_Matt nods his head and looks back at Phil. "How was I so blind…?" his voice is cracking as Matt leans down towards Phil's body, kissing his nose and Matt just slams his fist down onto the cot. "It's like he's dead…the blood, the way he's just not moving, and he's barely breathing…"_

"_He's still out cold. Apparently, he's been hit hard."_

"_It's not fair…" Matt whispers. "He's so young! He's not supposed to be like this! He still hadn't lived his life! Why did this have to happen to him? Why did this have to happen to anyone…?" tears are spluttering out of Matt's eyes as he holds onto his knocked out seemingly dead looking Phil and runs his hand down Phil's hair. "Phil…please, wake up, baby…wake up…"_

_No sound comes from Phil's mouth._

"_Phil…I know…I wouldn't want to wake up either…"  
_  
As he begins to raise his voice  
You lower yours and grant him one last choice  
Drive until you lose the road  
Or break with the ones you've followed  
He will do one of two things  
He will admit to everything  
Or he'll say he's just not the same  
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

**the curtains of the black sky  
has always been dotted  
with those stars that i've always seen  
i'm not jeff  
not poetic  
but i know that this world is too dark  
too unfair  
it's unfair  
to me  
to him  
he doesn't deserve all this pain  
he wears his wounds like scars of a battle field  
a fight that he's losing  
dying  
destroying  
his body's all dead  
& battered  
& he barely breathes  
& his blood is stirring, his hot sticky blood is stirring so badly in his skin  
burning him  
every core of his being  
his skin isn't his skin anymore  
just a paper of horror & terror  
thick veins of restricted blood  
& thick arteries of too much horror  
& it's exploding  
with every fiber of his being  
he can barely breathe…  
the curtains of the black sky  
has always been dotted  
with those stars that i've always seen  
**_**+aren't they called stars?**_  
(oh, twinkle, twinkle, little fucking stars…)

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life

**the curtains of the black sky  
has always been dotted  
with those stars that i've always seen  
**_**+aren't they called stars?**_  
(how i don't wonder what you are)  
**because stars don't exist in the damn world  
stars are just dots  
spluttered dots  
over a black painting  
of darkness  
symbolizing the horror of this world  
i stand here  
in the balcony of a ****whitewhitewhite**** hospital  
looking at the **_**blackblackblack**_** sky  
& i wonder where those ****whitewhitewhite**** dots are**  
**seeing only the **_**blackblackblack**_** sky  
& i can't see anything whitewhitewhite anymore  
just ****whitewhitewhite**** stars that fade into **_**blackblackblack**_**  
& i see my supposed to be ****whitewhitewhite**** fades to black  
& there are no more colors  
all hidden  
in the **_**blackblackblack**_** rainbow  
of this mystery-spluttered sky**  
(how can i see past the darkness?)

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life  
How to save a life  
How to save a life

**the curtains of the black sky  
has always been dotted  
with those stars that i've always seen  
**_**+aren't they called stupid fucking stars?**_  
(up above the world so fucking high)  
**& the black world is engulfing me  
destroying me  
& now, i can't really breathe  
the blackness is running after me  
& i can't run away from it  
& i'm with phil now  
unable to see anything but his face  
we're both being eaten up by the blackness of the world  
we're both being eaten up by the darkness of this universe  
& we can't run away  
& i just wish that we can see beyond the blackness  
fight it back  
but we can't  
& we hold onto each other  
as the black covers  
take us  
squeeze out oxygen  
burn blood in every particle of our body  
hot blood  
sticky hot blood  
& the blood turns to black  
unable to see black  
just me and him  
we're fading off  
no, my little phil star  
don't go away  
don't be like all the other stars…  
no…  
phil…**  
(like a stupid worthless diamond in the sky)

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life

**no…  
my phil…  
don't sly away from me…  
don't go away.  
don't fade up into darkness  
& blackness  
don't die on me, phil…  
don't cry  
you're my only star  
& you're fading away  
& i can't reach out for you anymore, baby  
**(twinkle, twinkle, little fucking star)  
**please, don't go away  
you're the only piece of horror i have  
you're the only piece of life i have  
i need you  
i want you  
every part of you  
you're all dead on the inside  
& i won't let the darkness take you  
if you won't let the darkness now**  
(how i don't wonder what you are)  
**…phil?  
where are you, baby?  
you're the only star i need  
not those bright ones  
you shine with your own blue glow  
my beautiful phil  
star-crossed  
we're star-crossed  
doomed to forever  
live in this eternal darkness…  
phil?  
wake up, baby.  
wake up, phil…**

**phil… **

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life  
How to save a life

_Phil's eyes slowly open, Matt's heart bursts from the type of joy only a child could harbor and his eyes light up as if he's seen fireworks for the same time and those tired bloodshot eyes look at him, those dead eyes that had a hint of life somewhere buried inside of them as Phil's chest goes up and down, his breaths falling in and out of his mouth too fast and a weak smile crosses his face._

"_Phil…"_

_Matt's eyes then go back to the still visible cuts and bruises that still reside and scrape onto Phil's battered body. _

_Phil doesn't talk for a while._

_Just stares._

_When he looks down at his own body, he lets out a scream._

"_PHIL!"_

_Matt's arms are holding onto Phil's shoulders, hardening and he tries to shake Phil back to consciousness._

"_Phil? Baby, are you okay?"_

_Phil stares at him, confused, those brown eyes just waiting for an explanation and Matt wants to know why. "Phil, what's wrong?"_

"_So much blood…" Phil stares at his legs, tears threatening to fall from his eyes, "I want my Mommy! GET HER!"_

"_Phil…? Mommy? You're thirty!"_

_Phil giggles and stares back at Matt and as soon as he giggles, the tears stop falling from his face. "Thirty? I'm seven! See!" he holds up seven fingers and Matt shakes his head, this can't be right…no, this just isn't right…_

"_I think Phil has amnesia."_

_Phil giggles. "He said a big word…"_

* * *

**Okay, so he's been cutting himself and he's also a prostitute and now he thinks he's seven…this is bad. **_**BAD**_**. Ha ha, I love this story. More evil!Jeff in the next chappie.  
**

**Review??**

**X Sam.**


	25. Chapter Twenty Five

**Okay, this story is taking its toll. This chapter is in Matt's POV since Phil thinks he's seven years old.**

**

* * *

****Chapter Twenty Five**

**MATT HARDY**

I just stood there, for moments on end, my Phil, my supposed to be thirty year old Phil, thought that he was seven years old and now, as the Doctor tried to explain to me what was happening to Phil, I just couldn't understand at all, and frankly, I wasn't listening to half of his words, I was just so concerned about my Phil…and I wanted to kiss him but I didn't want to taint the seven year old boy.

I watched as Phil stood up and bounced towards me, grinning at me, ear to ear, and he jumped towards me, giggling and chuckling and I held his waist with both my hands to prevent him from moving and Phil stared at me, all serious and sad, then just as I was about to ruffle through his hair in comfort and console, he grinned up at me with a wide grin. "You are so easy to trick!"

"Phil, sit down."

"No! You can't make me!" Phil jumped up and down again and just as I was about to tell him to stay in one place, he stopped jumping and stared at me. "You can't catch me!" he ran off and I sighed before following him and seeing Phil standing there, behind a woman, giggling, I grabbed onto his wrist and tore him out of everyone's sight, Phil frowned as I took him back towards my car.

He was too full of energy.

Too happy.

And I didn't know if I liked that.

"Let's go home, Phil."

"I want my Mommy," Phil simply said, his eyes wide and sad, and his mouth curved into a frown as he walked to the back of the car and stepped inside. "You're gonna take me to my Mommy now, right?"

"Phil, no, I'm taking you to my house."

"I don't wanna go to your house! I want my Mommy! I'm scared…you're scary…"

"I'm not scary, Phil."

"You're scary! So are! Take me home! I want my Mommy!" Phil screamed, hopping up and down his thick seat and I twisted my head to look at him, his face was caring and bloated and his eyes were thick with pain and agony and desolation and I twisted my head back to the road.

After an hour, I had reached my house.

I opened the car door and I grabbed onto Phil's wrist, ready to pull him out of the car but Phil shook his head, tears falling freely from his eyes, "I WANT MY MOMMY! TAKE ME HOME, SCARY MAN!"

"I'm Matt. My name is Matt."

"…how do you know my name?" Phil sniffed and my hand cupped his cheek and he shook his head, unable to let the tears from stopping. "Why are you doing this to me?! I wanna go home! I have a Math test tomorrow!"

"Phil, just breathe."

Phil stared at me, unable to comprehend what's going on as I pulled him out of the car. I pulled him after me, his tears still falling from his sobs, and hiccups and sobs escaping his throat as I tried to pull him after me but I always ended dragging him along with me and as I sat him down onto the couch, he stared at me. "…why are you doing this to me? I want my Mommy! I wanna go home!"

I shook my head and sat down beside him, running my hand down his side. He pulled me away. "Don't touch me like that. No one touches me like that. It's weird when you touch me like that!" he babbled on and on, his eyes enlightened with a shine that glinted off his pure, livid eyes.

That moment, my cell phone rang.

"Hello?"

Who could be calling me at this time? Jeff never called me so early so who could it be? I shook my head at the list of possibilities and realized there basically were no real possibilities as I heard the voice of no other than Jeff at the end of the line.

"Matt! I need your help!"

"What's going on over there?"

"I'm lost."

"Where are you?"

"I don't know…I wanted to go in the forest 'cause I thought I saw something but now I'm lost! Remember—that forest we always go to? I can't tell where I am! All the trees are the same!"

"I'll be right there!"

I stepped out, locking the door behind me as my heart pounded in my chest. I couldn't let Jeff get hurt and I knew that but then again—I couldn't let Phil alone in the house but I hoped that Phil would find anything of his interest as I put my keys in the ignition and road off towards my destination.

* * *

_Phil lies down on the couch, trying to understand what's going on but he can't and he knows that he can't._

_He rolls to his side, hearing the soft words of his mother and father, memories of joy and happiness bubbling in his head as a smile crosses on his face and he knows that his father's always been horrid but he doesn't really care for the world still has sunshine, doesn't it? And Phil stares up at the ceiling as if he's having a sick day and shakes his head. "Mommy…I want my-"_

_He hears the sound of the door opening._

"_NO! Don't come in! __Don't hurt me!"_

_Phil buries his head in his knees and he's ready to sob but the feel of the hand that's on his shoulder is warm and as Phil looks up, Jeff stands there, dark eyes staring at Jeff as Jeff pounces on top of Phil and Phil stares at him, fearful and scared, and he's unable to say anything at all as Jeff's face presses against Phil's face and Jeff's cold breath is on Phil's face, "Phil…"_

_He strokes Phil's neck and Phil feels the hairs on the back of his neck stand as he tries to push Jeff off with his supposedly fragile arms and Jeff grabs onto both of Phil's hands and pull them down towards the couch before he leans down to capture Phil's lips into a kiss, and as tears run down Phil's eyes as he pulls off. "W-what are you doing to me…?"_

"_What am I not doing to you, doll?" Jeff smirks. "You're my doll, aren't you?" Unknown to Jeff, Phil doesn't remember past seven and all he's heard is that Phil has amnesia and he doesn't think that Phil lost all those memories all at once as he runs his finger down Phil's cheek._

"_Who are you…? Why are you doing this to me?"_

"_I'm Jeff, Jeff Hardy, your love, baby…?" Jeff unbuckles Phil's belt, causing Phil's pants to fall to the ground and as Phil tries to sit up, Jeff pulls him down, tearing off his clothes in seconds, both of them, undressed, just as Jeff wants and kisses his shoulder as Phil whimpers, unable to comprehend what's going on. "Don't worry. This isn't going to hurt…"_

_His Phil._

_That's how it's supposed to be._

_His Phil._

_Not Matt. Matt doesn't deserve Phil and Jeff is more obsessed and he knows he is and as he slides into Phil, Phil feels the tearing pain and pleasure of the sudden warm solidified hard organ that's pressing against his butt and he feels the throbbing warm hard cock and just as Phil tries to get relaxed in this horrifying position, "Please…I don't know what you want!"_

"_I wanna fuck you."_

_That tone coming out of Jeff's voice, the sleekness of his voice and Jeff pulls out of Phil, causing Phil to breathe deeply and Jeff pulls inside of Phil once more, a hard, slow thrust and after two many thrusts, hard and slow, with every hot, warm fluid burning inside of Phil's body, along with too much blood and Phil's tiny tears fall out of his pale face. "Why…? Don't hurt me! PLEASE! I want my Mommy! I-I-"_

"_Phil?" Jeff cradles Phil, the naked body of the scared tired Phil and Phil buries his head into Jeff's shoulder and tears fall out of his eyes, absorbing the thick cloth and sobs erupt from his body._

"_There, there, Phil, it's gonna be okay…"_

* * *

I just couldn't find Jeff.

I stepped inside of the house to see Phil lying there on the couch, with ragged clothing and tear tracks dried on his eyes and I stared down at the couch, where blood collected and the way that Phil looked like, the blood that was pooling between his legs, and the mixture of the white fluid that was there—

I was horrified.

I leaned down towards the sleepy Phil and I shook his shoulders, having his eyes slowly open as he stared at me and a whimper escaped his throat. "Please, don't hurt me…I can't take it…"

Why did everything have to happen to him?

I ran my hand down Phil's hair, feeling the warm feel of his hair against my hand and he laughed softly, causing me to snap back towards my trance. "It hurt. It hurt really bad." Another laugh. "…why do people do these things?"

"What did he do?"

"I don't know…" Phil stated and his eyes looking around the room as his licked his chapped and dry lips and I stared, unable to comprehend the reason for all this pain that was overtaking the still young boy's body. "He hurt me. Lots of people just want to hurt me…did I do something wrong? People don't hurt people unless they do something wrong, right?"

I was ready to break into tears.

Phil was so uneducated.

He didn't know what had happened to him and from the blood that was still there, leaving its mark and scent, I wouldn't know either. What was he doing to himself? I heard from the Doctor that even with amnesia, he might still go back to cutting but not know why because additions were too hard to get rid of—

Nausea sloshed around my stomach.

I leaned down, holding Phil's hand.

"We're gonna get through this."

"Why are you talking so funny?"

I shook my shoulders and kissed his hand and this caused Phil to whimper as he shut his eyes tight. "I don't like love. There's nothing in the world called love, is there? Doesn't Mommy love me? Doesn't Daddy love me…? Why am I here?" questions erupted from his mouth and I didn't know how to answer them.

"I don't know, Phil."

"How can you not know? You're a big kid. You're supposed to know!"

"Sometimes…you just don't…"

Phil's eyes slowly shut tight and he went back to sleep as a yawn escaped his throat and I went into my room to get a blanket and wrapped it around his body, the warm blanket was taking my sights off the excessive blood and I kissed his nose as his body stopped shaking and he calmed down.

"This is so wrong."

* * *

Tears ran down Phil's eyes.

"No…"

I snapped into reality as I held onto his shoulder and walked him shake uncontrollably, wisps and tufts and curls of his straight jet black hair in front of his face and I pulled it out of his face to see his chest, moving up and down and a scream erupted from his mouth. "Don't hurt me! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

I held onto him as he buried his head into my chest and sobbed horribly and soon, I found myself holding onto him as he sobbed and before I could ask him what was wrong, when the silence smothered itself, showed itself, I realized he was asleep and laid him back down onto the bed.

I ran my hand down his side.

"Phil, what happened to you, baby…?"

I draped the blanket around him again, perfectly wrapping him and I was about to go back to sleep and I found it stupid that I had to sleep on the floor in my own house but I had to be near Phil and as Phil relaxed, I laid down, tired and ready to fall asleep…

I didn't fall asleep.

* * *

**What?**

**It's not my fault.**

**The plot was calling for it. & I warned you about that evil!Jeff part. XD. Honestly, I don't like reading Jeff as a sub, even in Hardycest. :P Yeah, I do keep him as a sub a lot but I prefer him as a dom. :)**

**X Sam.**


	26. Chapter Twenty Six

**This chapter is pretty, pretty dark. I know last chapter…no one expected Jeff to rape Phil. Poor Phil. He doesn't even know what rape is. **

**

* * *

****Chapter Twenty Six**

I heard the sound of Phil's grunts and groans before I had completely woken up. His slender body was curled up into a ball, his eyes looking down at the floor and I leaned back towards him, cupping his cheek and he pushed me away with those tired, fragile arms and he rolled over so that I was facing his back.

I was scared for him.

I'd never seen him like this.

I stood up and walked towards the kitchen to prepare him and me some breakfast and my thoughts were only on Phil and I tried to understand why he was bleeding so badly and I tried to understand how could anything break in, there were no signs, did Phil do anything to him… that caused him to bleed so badly? I didn't know. I just wanted to get my thoughts out of this bloody mess but I couldn't.

I came back with the tray in my hands and sat down onto the floor, on the fluffy pillow, and I had given a plate over to Phil but he knocked the plate down when he moved so I had to pick it up and the food was still fine but I switched plates with Phil anyways and I began to eat through but my eyes were on Phil. "Phil?"

"I'm not hungry." He snapped at me. The look in his eyes, the darkness that consumed, the pain of the world, the horror of it all around him…

"Phil, please, eat."

"No."

I wasn't going to argue with him but when I touched his shoulder, he flinched, causing the plate to fall from his lap and I had to clean up the mess before going back to the kitchen and I tried to find a way to lighten the atmosphere between me and Phil but I couldn't. Throughout the day, I had tried to touch him but he didn't want to be touched. He was terrified of me.

He was terrified of everything.

He was scared to move out of his place.

He was reluctant and the only time he had gotten out of the couch was to go to the bathroom but nothing other than that. I was so worried about my Phil. He seemed to be harboring a secret of his but I was sure that Phil had been just cutting again but I didn't suppose he'd start cutting anywhere near his cock, would he?

I was just so confused.

That night, as I went to bed, I just prayed to God that there would be a way out of this mess that everyone called a life.

* * *

It had been two days.

Phil hadn't even eaten a bite. Nothing. Not a crumb. And he didn't seem to want a bite of food anytime soon—

Phil looked so battered with pain.

I wanted to make feel better.

I just didn't know how to.

The pain that always overtook his eyes…the shattered colors of his soul…and now, I stared as his face had tears falling out of his eyes. Splattered and spluttered completely out of those soft eyes.

He just didn't tell me anything.

He didn't talk to me at all if it wasn't a threat.

He was so tired all the time.

I was scared for him.

I was so scared for my Phil.

I wanted to hold him, keep him safe but he didn't want me around. He hated me with a fury and I tried to keep him calm but he didn't want to be calm. He just wanted me to go away. I wanted to have his memory back, some sort of relapse but that didn't seem to be happening any time soon…

I wanted him to be okay.

I wanted him to remember.

Before this starvation strike killed him.

* * *

It was the third day.

I brought him breakfast but as always, he'd rejected it and I placed it down next to him just in case he wanted to even eat a crumb of the sandwich I'd made him and just as I was about to go get myself a drink of water, I heard a knock on the door and I went over there to open it only to see Jeff standing there with his vibrant green eyes staring at me and a smile that smeared across his face too happily.

"Jeff?"

He walked inside and didn't say anything as he bounced around, the innocence that was plastered on his face was adorable but when he had seen Phil, his face plastered with disgust and he shook his head and when Phil saw him, his eyes struck with fear and terror and that had confused me too much as Jeff looked back at me, those eyes still innocent and that cute little smile still playing and tugging at the corner of his lips. I followed him inside of the kitchen.

"Why aren't you in Smackdown anymore? I was watching it last night and you weren't there. John called me and asked me for what was going on but I couldn't really answer him because I, myself, didn't know what was going on…are you quitting?"

"No, I'm taking a break." I couldn't leave Phil alone because I was too concerned about him and I told Vince the truth and he agreed to give me a break as long as I'd try to convince Phil to come back since Smackdown had been slightly dull without him and in my opinion, it would always remain dull without my little Philly around there. "Phil needs me. He has amnesia. You know he thinks he's seven."

Jeff's eyes widened. "He thinks he's _seven_?" He basically had to choke out the words.

"Yes…you didn't know?" I repeated.

He nodded his head, agreeing to me. "Yeah, I didn't." There was a hint of guilt in his voice before he shook his head and that playful smile tugged at his face before he skidded off and I stared before stepping out of the kitchen.

Phil?

Where was he?

I looked around the few rooms and I stopped when I heard a loud groan coming from the bathroom and I rushed there instantly, seeing my Phil there, on the floor, with the razor in his hands and his body shaking and my heart was about to burst out of my chest as I leaned down and I ran my hand down his bare back. "I was gonna shower…I swear I was but…but…the razor…I didn't know…it was like I had to do it…" tears were spilling out of his eyes. "The razor was evil…"

"Phil, sit up."

Phil obeyed me and hiccupped, I ran my hand down his wet cheek, because of the pavement he was resting on and it took all of my energy right now not to kiss him, to hold him, to tell him that it would all be fine.

"Matty, people are bad…"

I could almost feel the tears spring out of my eyes. Phil was so uneducated. He didn't know what was happening to him.

"I have lots of blood…I'm bleeding bad…"

I held Phil towards me, running his hand down his also drenched wet back but I didn't care. My Phil was in pain and I needed to comfort him. I needed to get him out of this habit of cutting but he didn't seem to be able to stop anytime soon. I knew that he didn't even know what a cutter was but he was one. Very addicted to cutting.

I washed Phil off and wrapped his cuts around with bandages as best as I could and I let his body drape across my bed and I ran my fingers through his wet hair before I leaned down to kiss his forehead and he stared at me. "Am I ever going to go home…? I really, really want my Mommy, Mr. Matt."

"I don't think you'll ever go home, Phil."

Not like this.

Tears spluttered out of his eyes. "I want to go home! It's unfair! I want my parents! I-I-"his voice cracked as I wiped the tears away from his face.

"Phil, breathe."

"I can't."

"Phil, look at me."

I stared at him and he looked deep into my eyes before he broke into tears again, able to keep himself from sobbing while I held him tight, close to me and when he had fallen asleep, I stroked his hair. I wanted to take him to his family but I didn't know how to explain this to them. I didn't want his father to scream at him for no reason. I didn't want him to get hurt anymore than he was right now.

There was just so much horror in this damn world.

* * *

I wanted Phil to eat but he didn't want to listen to me. He didn't want to eat at all and I was so concerned on Phil's behalf. He had lost a ton of weight in these few days of him refusing to eat and now, as I laid down next to him in bed, with lunch in my hands, Phil simply shook his head.

"I don't wanna eat, Mr. Matt."

"Phil, don't you understand? I'm not trying to get you to eat just because I wanna force you to do something. I just want you to be healthy. You're losing a lot of weight. I even got a chocolate brownie for you. Eat something, Phil. Please. Be big and strong."

Phil shook his head at me. "I don't wanna eat!"

"Phil…you're gonna die if you don't eat…" at this rate, the statement didn't seem to be insane, it seemed to make so much sense and I didn't want to think of it that way and as he stared at the ceiling and something inside of me just clicked. I grabbed onto a piece of food and put the tray onto the nightstand and I stared at Phil before I overtook him and forced the piece of food down his throat. I just couldn't handle seeing my Phil this way. I couldn't handle seeing him so fragile. "I-I'm sorry…"

"Don't, please, Mr. Matty, please…" Phil begged but I simply took a few digestible pieces of food and forced him to eat that as well and it was so hard for me too to watch him so vulnerable but I didn't want to watch him die either, this was the only way out…and now, as he fell down to the bed, panting, I stared at him as he shook his head. "Why does everyone hate me?"

"I don't hate you…"

"You hate me! I didn't wanna eat!"

"You were killing yourself, Phil!"

"Maybe I just want to die…"

That shocked me. That shocked me all too well. He thought he was seven and he was thinking this way? My heart was beating all too rapidly in my chest. The pain of seeing Phil like this. It was all too much. I didn't know what to do. I was horrified. Completely and utterly horrified at Phil's words. I watched him fall asleep but I didn't know what to do but stare. How could Phil have said those words…?

* * *

**Okay. A warning label: THE NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE DARK. When are they never?? Review, please! **

**X Sam.**


	27. Chapter Twenty Seven

**I warned you last chappie. Get ready for a seriously dark chapter. **

**Chapter Twenty Seven**

_Tequila. _

_Bitter, the shots make him survive a cold night at home and he loves the bitter taste that still remains on his tongue in the morning and he knows that all alcohol is better but he loves that sense of euphoria and fantasy he's plunged in when he licks that very lick around the glass, the remaining sticky liquid that goes into his body._

_Beer._

_The taste of the beer always lingers in his mouth whenever he thinks of Phil's lips. Like beer, simple, appealing and he has to have or crave a taste every day. He's been craving Phil's lips for so long._

_Champagne._

_It's classic._

_Also, like Phil._

_It's romantic and classy. It's sophisticated. It's Phil._

_Tonic._

_Wild and crazy._

_It's the alcohol to describe Jeff._

_Crazy._

_Gin._

_Mixed with tonic._

_His favorite._

_Vodka._

_It's his drink with any juice, mostly with that yummy apple juice that always makes his brain think. _

_Wine._

_Also classy._

_Also Phil._

_Brandy._

_It's a mixture of them both. Classy and romantic and wild and crazy. It's all of them mixed together._

_Jeff takes a bottle of tequila with him and walks off. His Phil will soon know the reality of the need for alcohol._

* * *

I was thinking of Phil.

He refused to eat and he refused to live and when I mentioned if he wanted to go out, he only crossed his arms and shook his head and he was so stubborn and he was so very sad and I wanted to hug him but I was scared of his reaction and now, as I watched him sleep, peacefully, I wanted to hug him and I sighed before I walked off.

I needed to talk to Vince.

If Phil didn't want me around, then I didn't want myself around to see the pain of Phil Brooks.

I was going back to wrestling.

I was taking Phil back to his parents.

This is the way.

I knew it was wrong.

But I was afraid for Phil. He was starving himself to death and I couldn't handle forcing him to eat anymore.

_I'm sorry, Phil…_

* * *

_Jeff watches as Matt backs out of the driveway._

_Clad in black pants and a jersey, he slowly makes his way towards the house and sneaks inside using his key to Matt's house and as he goes inside of the house, he smiles at the scenery and looks down back at the bottle of tequila and he knows that this is right and that this is his only chance._

_He goes inside of the kitchen and pours orange juice and puts as much tequila as he can before he takes the glass and the bottle and goes up to Matt's room and his eyes enlighten as his vision of beauty lights up in front of him._

_He doesn't know why he likes Phil._

_Maybe it's those lush lips._

_Or those beautiful, beautiful eyes._

_Or that jet black hair that makes night look all too white._

_He knows it's wrong and he knows that he thinks that he's seven now but he doesn't care and he sits down, causing Phil to look at him and just as Phil registers in the person that's sitting right next to him, pain overtakes his eyes and stutters fall out of his mouth and Jeff still knows it's wrong but he puts the cup of orange juice in Phil's hands._

_Phil looks at Jeff and shakes his head. "I'm not hungry…"_

"_Drink it." Jeff commands and Phil knows that look in Jeff's eyes all too well, that look of dominance and Phil leans down to sip the drink, tasting the acid as it rushes in his mouth and he just wishes that it'll all end._

"_W-what's in this…?" the ravenette stutters._

"_Tequila."_

"_Alcohol, t-that's bad," Phil whispers, staring at Jeff with now tearful eyes, "my daddy loves this and it's bad…he drinks too much…why are you giving this to me? Isn't this for big people? I'm not big. I'm little. I'm seven…"_

"_Just drink." Jeff commands once more._

_Phil stares at him and Jeff is forced to grab onto the cup and force the cup to Phil's lips, intoxicating Phil's body with the sticky, acidic liquid that's slowly changing his brain…_

"_Just drink, baby. I love you."_

_Phil only stares at him._

_He's so unsure of what love means now…_

* * *

**I'm sorry for both shortness & darkness.**

**Thanks.**

**Review??**

**X Sam.**


	28. Chapter Twenty Eight

**STILL DARK. I WARNED YOU.  
**

**Chapter Twenty Eight**

* * *

_Just as Jeff leaves, Phil stays there, shaking, shivering as he swallows so he feels the bitter taste of the alcoholic substance in his mouth and now, he hears the sound of the door crack and Matt stands there with shocked as he runs towards Phil._

"_I…he…Mr. Matt…he…drink…"_

* * *

I stood there, staring at him as he cradled and cried and shivered and shook and there was too much pain in his eyes as I leaned down and I kissed his forehead and that made him just stop shaking for one moment, as tears spilled his eyes and he shook his head at me, shaking all over again, hiccupping.

"Please, don't! Please, don't!" He screamed, shielding himself with his arms, letting the hot liquid fall as quickly as they could from his face.

I leaned down and held him, both of our bodies wrapped into each other and he was shaking all the more, just at the thought of both of our bodies touching, it seemed to make him tense and I wondered why he seemed so badly tense and horrified and I wanted to make it all better but I didn't know how to.

"I'm going back to my job and you're going to go back to your parents, Phil."

"Mommy…" he sniffed and nodded his head. "My Mommy…" his voice was filled with a certain slant of lividness as he sniffed and he nodded his head. "Mommy…" so much hope and joy in his voice that was too cracked for a child's voice.

I watched him as he slept.

This was our final day.

Our final goodbye.

And he didn't seem to care.

* * *

Just as I was about to take Phil to the airport, he held his head in his hands, pain seemingly overtaking his head and I looked at him, lifting his chin, causing his beautiful eyes to lock with mine, that dark shade of lividness that made my heart pound as hard as ever, as he stared at me with those pouty pink lips and those pained, hurt, childish eyes.

"Do you want a little aspirin?"

He stared at me in confusion.

"You want some medicine for your headache?"

He stared at me and shook his head but I could tell that only made the pain worse because he held his head again in his hands, trying to compose himself. "I don't wanna drink that icky medicine stuff. It's gross!"

"Let me go get you some medicine."

He shook his head and he let a groan escape his lips. "I'll go get it. I'm not a big baby! I can get that icky medicine."

"They're tablets and they're in my drawer. You know? The white one. Not the wooden one. Okay?"

He simply walked away and I felt acid knot into my stomach as I grabbed onto my blue duffel bag, that had all of Phil's belongings since I couldn't really find Phil's black duffel bag and now, as I sat down and waited, thinking of Phil, hoping not to kiss him, scared of his reaction and also, wanting nothing more than to kiss him, one last kiss against those soft, lush lips of his…just one more kiss…

* * *

_Phil opens the drawer. He can't find any medicine and as he runs his hands through the notebooks and pushes them away, a tip of a sharp object hits his arm and he looks at the syringe and suddenly, his need to self destruct, the calling razor, reminds him…the calling tip, pain…he needs pain…_

"_No, don't do this," Phil tells himself._

_But the need is too big._

_He stabs himself with the syringe and he lets the clear liquid spill inside of his body and he laughs bitterly, feeling the pain of the needle still linger as he digs it in his skin, causing a slight bit of blood to slip out of his fragile and delicate skin and he watches as the blood seeps from the cut and he doesn't really care and his head's spinning and spinning and spinning._

_And the feeling—_

_Euphoric._

_Ecstatic._

_Joyful._

_He lets the needle slip and just as he hears Matt's footsteps, he takes the needle and throws it inside of his jeans and just as Matt stares at him, he leans down towards the notebooks' collection and fishes out aspirin, breaking some and feeding it into Phil's mouth but now, he doesn't need it because he just can't feel the pain. His mind is in a very, very happy state and he needs more. He doesn't know what the hell this is but he needs more._

_Just as Matt walks off, Phil stays that he needs a moment and Matt simply nods his head. Phil takes out the syringe one more time and stares at it._

_Whatever it is, he wants more of it…_

_On the bottle, the script is written…_

**Heroin**.

* * *


	29. Chapter Twenty Nine

**I finished '**_**Torn'**_** so know, I can update on this! :D There isn't much left of this story anymore but I can still swing it.**

_**THIS CHAPTER SNAPS BACK INTO PHIL'S POV. **_

**It's so childish because Phil thinks he's seven so he has seven year old knowledge. He can't write in proper grammar and stuff. Okay? But I made sure the spelling was correct. I know we all don't want bad spelling. **_**Ever**_**.**

**

* * *

****Chapter Twenty Nine**

_The feel's so satisfying._

_The liquid burning into his skin, infusing with his red and white blood cells, his platelets are suddenly buzzing with excitement and his entire body is burning with too much satisfied blood and he loves it._

_Just as he's about to go, Matt grabs onto his hand and Phil stares at him. "I just want to walk you to your parents' home."_

_The plane ride's fast._

_Worthless._

_And they don't really need the plane but Matt just likes the smell of the seats and the feel of the air and just being on the plane and that's the only reason and seeing Phil sleep throughout the flight had left the Hardy boy filled with satisfaction and joy, seeing the drool seep from the corners of his mouth, the same bitter taste and he knows that it's wrong to lick his mouth in his sleep but he couldn't resist and he knows that Phil's a deep sleeper and he finds that too adorable._

_Phil and Matt are walking, arms linked and too much love and affection bubbling into Matt's heart as he stops by the household that seems too near and just as Phil's about to go, Matt cups onto his cheek and looks deep into those eyes and he knows that he's going to regret this later but those pink, pouty, lush lips are just too much and Matt just leans down and captures Phil's lips into a kiss and isn't shocked when he doesn't feel Phil moving but the taste of Phil—of too much candy and the still faint taste of the Pepsi he'd drank throughout the flight and just as Matt moves off, he hears a whimper slip from Phil's throat. "Don't touch me…"_

_Phil steps back and this causes Matt to stare in shock as he tries to grab a hold of Phil's wrist before he falls down because of his imbalance and Phil rips his hand away from Matt all too suddenly, causing himself to fall down roughly onto the floor but his eyes are still horrifyingly pouring into Matt's hard brown eyes as he leans down to help the young ravenette from his place._

"_Phil-"_

"_Don't hurt me. Don't touch me."_

_Matt doesn't know why Phil's acting this way as he watches Phil stand up and wipe his clothing, droplets of hot liquid running down Phil's face as he starts to hyperventilate and just as Matt moves towards him, Phil runs off into his house, where he feels safe, his home, his haven and Matt just watches, knowing that he'd warned Phil's mother about all of this, he just hopes that everything pans out well._

_Matt leaves the site. _

_Unable to accept the fact that he might never see Phil again…_

"_I'm sorry, Phil."_

_For what?_

_Indulging in that one simple kiss?_

_Matt nods his head to himself, trying to think that it's all too wrong and just as he stops towards a pole, he licks his lips once more to realize that the taste of Phil's mouth is still mixed in with his saliva, at the back of his throat and very faint. He's always tasted the same, just a little bit more sugary and sweet. Perfection at its best. Always. _

"_I don't deserve him…"_

* * *

—_Philip "Phil" Brooks_

The needle are so scary.

But I just pushed the needle up my arm.

I has an addiction.

To '_heroin'_.

What are that…?

I don't know.

I sat down onto my bed, thinking thoughts that doesn't really mean anything but I don't know why I do this. These things just come in my head and they're really, really—strong? I don't know. Strong thoughts.

Pain?

Lots of pain.

'_You deserve it.'_

In my mind.

It all seems clear.

* * *

"Phil?"

It's the first time I've heard my Mommy in a long time.

It's what I convince myself.

I stared at her and I doesn't say anything as she cooked and I just sat down in my too tall body but I'm just growing up faster, right? I can show them all up and-and—why am I so sad?

I feel so sad.

I don't know why.

It's freaky. It's strange.

I—

I don't understand anything.

I'm so sad.

Please, something make me happy again.

"Phil?" she said my name again.

I look at her and I try to smile but I can't and I know I look sad. I just do. "Hmm?"

"Do you need to lie down or anything? You don't look very healthy." Mommy used a big word.

Who is 'healthy'?

Is it a person? A place?

"Are you feeling okay? Are you sick?" she kept on asking too many questions and I stared at her with no words. It's like I'm not supposed to speak. I don't know why I feel this way. I just do. I don't know why I act this way. I just do.

"I'm not sick." I put my hand on my head. No fever. Nothing. All cold. Very cold. I wasn't sick. _I can't be!_ I stare at her, just staring and I don't know why I stare so much when I'm not looking at him. I don't know what it's called (1).

I'm tired.

So tired.

Is this normal…?

I'm sure it's normal.

It's normal. Right?

* * *

_**(1) What Punkers is describing is when you look at a person, stare for a long time and you don't even notice that they're there just because your thoughts are overwhelming you. M'kay?**_

**I love you all! Now review. XD.**

**X Sam. **


	30. Chapter Thirty

**I had gone an updating spree today. XP. I'm having fun. XD.**

**

* * *

****Chapter Thirty**

_Matt thinks of Phil's body._

_That beautiful body._

_Those soft eyes._

_That beautiful smile._

_That perfect heart._

_It's all too much. His eyes are bubbling with tears but they're not unshed and his body's covered into those thin sheets and his body's shaking and trembling and shivering. "Phil…come back to me, baby…"_

* * *

I remembered.

I remembered that there was a man named CM Punk.

I didn't want to be him. I could remember that I hated him. That he was a bad, bad person. I could remember that he looked a lot like me, that he had jet black hair and hazel eyes and…he was scaring me.

I didn't like him.

He looked scary.

He looked a lot like the man in the mirror…

I was scared of me.

* * *

_Matt has to visit him._

_Just see that face._

_He's so addicted to that beautiful, beautiful face._

_He knocks onto the door and Phil's mother opens the door and Matt just pushes inside, looking through until he finds Phil on the floor of his room, shaking and shivering. "There's an evil man in the mirror. His name is CM Punk. Get him away from me!"_

_Matt's arms are wrapped around Phil's body. Phil's face is pressing against Matt's chest. Tears falling from Phil's face, quick. Pain burning into every part of Phil's heart and he's unable to feel anything else than Matt's warm arms…_

_Matt's arms are haven._

_Matt's a haven._

_Warmth._

_Matt leans down to kiss Phil and just as Matt's about to take off Phil's shirt, Phil pulls off. "Please, don't hurt me…you're all I have…you and the pretty needle…"_

"_P-p-pretty needle?"_

_The only thing that flashes through his mind is the heroin syringe._

_Phil moves towards his cupboard and pulls out the same syringe that's in Matt's mind and he shakes his head. "No, Phil, please, don't-you don't like this…this is drugs. You don't like drugs."_

"_But I found it in your drawer…"_

"_I'm sick."_

"_Will I be sick too?"_

"_No, no, I can't let you be sick. I like you so much, Phil. I can't see you get hurt…ever…" Matt's voice breaks, harder and harder. "I love you, Phil."_

_Phil stares at him._

"_Matt…?"_

_Too many thoughts rushing in his head. _

"_I'm sorry."_

_Phil reaches for the syringe and pulls it off and he puts the syringe into his arm, causing Matt to shriek with horror as Phil closes his eyes and too many thoughts rush into his head. "I'm sick, Matty…I'm very, very sick—"_

"_Phil. Drop it."_

"_No. No. I like it. The needle makes me feel right…the pain makes me feel right…I'm very sick, Matty…I don't-"_

_Matt's reaching out for him but Phil walks towards the bathroom, shutting it behind him because it's the only place he thinks he can hide in and he opens the tub, feeling as if he needs the hot water and he needs to burn and he needs pain and he watches the water, a thousand thoughts rushing to his head…_

_Bits and pieces of memories._

"_I'm so confused!"_

_Phil throws himself inside of the hot water and screams, feeling the pure heat and he falls inside the water, tears running down his cheeks. "I deserve…it hurts…my body…my heart…I hate…Matt…"_

_Matt is trying to break down the door. With anything. His foot. A chair. Anything and when the door finally opens, Matt pulls Phil out of the tub and carries him, feeling the pure heat of the water soaks into Matt's clothing._

_"Phil? Phil? Why the hell did you just do that?!"_

_"The pain…I deserve it…I need you to leave me alone…I like the pain…I like the needle…I…I…"_

_The scent of the water._

_It brings back Phil to simpler times… darker times, more complicated times… Phil looks up into Matt's eyes, suddenly remembering everything and hating the thoughts and memories he had remembered. "Matt…?"_

_"Phil?"_

_"Where am I…? My head."_

_Matt takes Phil towards the bed, placing him and Phil's eyes shut tight as Matt tries to understand what to tell Phil…and his eyes skim through Phil's body, the still too thin body… "Phil…"_

* * *

**Reviews, darlings! By the way, fans of this pairing should check out a fic I had written called **_**'Never Ending Rain & Bloodied Hearts'.**_** Thanks!**

**X Sam.**


	31. Chapter Thirty One

**PHILLY REMEMBERS! Wheee!**

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* * *

****Chapter Thirty One**

I could remember everything.

I could completely and utterly remember the world around me as the weight of the world crushed into pieces and I—I could remember the fact that Jeff had—he'd raped me—and as the memories that were too fresh replayed in my head, I snuggled into Matt's chest as he breathed so softly into his sleep and I couldn't help but feel as if I was snapping into two pieces, the pain of the world, the horror, the agony, it snapped me into too many pieces—and I still couldn't breathe well enough.

I lay down onto my bed, covered yet so exposed, and I could almost feel Jeff's breath against my skin.

Maybe it was because Matt was related to _him_.

Maybe because if I chose to be with Matt, I'd see _his_ face all the time and—I can't even say _his_ name anymore. _His_ face flashed through my head, _his_ supposed cute tan pale face, his supposed innocent green eyes, his supposed to be soft smile, all turned into a tan face of darkness, all turned into green eyes of want and need, all turned into a smirk.

Matt kissed my forehead and I stared up at him.

He leaned down to kiss one, his lips covering my own and I just felt his taste, tasted the sweet, sweet liquid at the back of his tongue and I just pulled off when I realized that that was nothing other than champagne and cocaine. My head spun badly and he cupped my cheek, staring straight at me.

"Don't touch me, Matt."

I was sorry. It wasn't my mask talking this time and it wasn't Phil talking either, another stranger I had to make up to try and hide the last remaining piece of mystery that was me, but there was nothing left that he didn't know, he knew how my body looked like, he knew what was behind that plastic smile I wear, he knew…he knew _everything_.

"Phil?"

"I can taste…"

That was when his face turned into a watermelon pink and he stared at me, "don't leave me because of it, Phil."

"You're doing something that's against the law, Matt!"

"Phil…"

"You made me into this." I was going to sob, I didn't want to confess that I felt like it was my fault because then I'd seen like I really did want to die, but I really did. I did want to die. Just right there on the spot, to never breathe again—it seemed like a fantasy. And that was when I really did put my head in my hands and I did start sobbing. With Matt, I felt like I could never hide it but with others, even when I was in the verge of tears, I still hid behind my mask…with Matt…everything was clear, everything was different, everything was beautiful, everything was ugly, everything…he was my everything. Matt made my heart, built it, and now, I was tearing up his entire work into pieces just because of my selfish actions.

"Phil?"

"Matt…" I managed to rasp out his name and I hugged him, I hugged him as tight as I could and sobbed. "Who the hell am I…?"

I didn't even know anymore.

Too many masks.

Too many identities.

And I was at a loss for who I really was.

"Look at my eyes, Phil."

That accent—now that I forced myself to hear it so clearly—snapped me as I held my hands up to my face into a shield and I fell onto the bed, trying not to think of Jeff but his image flashed so violently in my head anyways and I nervously looked up at my eyes and I tried to hide that I was so very scared but I couldn't.

Even my mask was soiled.

I had _nothing_.

My heart quickened.

_Nothing__. _**Nothing**. Nothing.

All gone.

My mask.

Erased.

And…

He stared at me and he knew that I was faking the fact that I wasn't scared, he knew that I was trying to fake but failed so miserably and I looked up at him once more, looking deep into those deep condensed hard brown eyes and a hint, just a hint, of soft green was bubbling there, it was the way he stared at me.

It was _his_ stare.

My eyes were threatening to have tears leak out of them but I held them back all too easily and he could still see that.

That scare.

"Phil? What's wrong?"

I let a quick '_meep'_ come out of my mouth and I just realized how pale I was. I couldn't have hid anything from him and that made me feel even more stupid. As if I couldn't do anything—I really couldn't do anything.

Why did this world need me?

Why did _I_ need me?

"He-he-"

"Who did this to you, Philly? Baby?"

I stared at him and broke down, inevitably, and I knew that I should've have said his name. "Jeff. Jeff."

His eyes were burning with desolation and I wanted to take it all back but how could I? I knew it was Jeff. I knew everything and I couldn't hide it under my poor maintained, stained, tainted, horribly painted mask anymore. Nothing was left to hide. He could see and he knew that he could see everything.

From fear to love to affection.

"He-he _raped_ me."

He believed me. Even if I expected him to shout at me, or scream at me, for even suggesting that innocent little Jeffery Nero Hardy could never do such a thing, he believed me. His eyebrows furrowed and his arms wrapped around me and his scent—the same as _his_—the scent of Matt…

Faded.

And…

Nothing.

Just _**nothing**_.

* * *

**I seriously felt this when typing it. Hopefully, you'll like it. I actually like the chapter. XP. **_**Not much left of this story. *sighs* MY LOVE!  
**_

**X Sam.**


	32. Chapter Thirty Two

**Okay, here's what I have left for this story. Enjoy.**

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* * *

****Chapter Thirty Two**

(_youjustlaywithoutasound_).

I stared up into those eyes of his, bubbling that soft hard brown color and he held onto me, held onto me hard, refusing to let go of me, as his words slurred and his eyebrows furrowed in confusion, "w-why would Jeff do something like this?" he believed me, he believed me…that was the only thing that had been going through my head for far too long for I believed that Matt would hate me even accusing his brother for being a rapist but he trusted me and-and-and-

That made me feel the type of completion that I could only feel.

Matt's eyes were bubbling with angry, pure fury, 'w-what? He did _what_?!"

I just stared at him as he leaned down and pressed his mouth to my forehead, as gentle as ever as I started to sob once more, his hand pressing against my side, "you remind me of him so much, Matty…it's the smell, it's your voice…it's…I'm sorry. I didn't know he was raping me! I swear! I c-couldn't defend myself-I-I-I-"I continued to stutter.

_H-how_ could this have happened?

Yesterday, we were wondering if we were going to survive in an ocean and now, I had been raped and my heart ached because of the remembrance _o-of_ that rape! H…how could this happen to me?

Why…?

I wanted to scream. Not care for the world. I wished I had never taken off my mask, shown him this newer side of me, this side that was too fragile to be known, I wished…I wished that this didn't have to happen. I-I-!

"I'll deal with him later, do you need anything now? Some tea? Coffee?"

He didn't even wait for an answer as he walked outside of the room and left me in this room, in my parent's house, and this room that I was in had brought me so many memories of my childhood, all of it crashed and crushed me into pieces, thoughts and dreams, screams and pain, the life of my career as a doctor had begun here but of course, I quit too fast then I wanted to become a wrestler…I wanted to be strong yet I was so fragile and weak on the inside.

My mask.

Tainted.

Badly painted.

Stained.

Horribly maintained.

Cracked and stained…

I watched as he came back with two cups of tea and laid the tray down, he had given me one cup and I watched him drink the other, the warmth of it made my heart ache as I snuggled to him, bringing the mug to me, the mug that was now halfway full and he wrapped an arm around me, as he sipped the rest of his tea. The sticky, thick honey taste still lingered in my throat—the way that Matt made it was different but I liked it, it was too sweet…it was as sweet as he was.

Then, am impulse had overtaken me.

I wanted _heroin_. I wanted **alcohol**. I wanted something. Something _along the lines of that_ and I wanted to stop _**obsessing**_ over it.

I stared at Matt as my shoulders shook and my head went insane with thoughts that rammed too hard and too fast into my head until I couldn't even think anymore. "Matt…" he kissed my forehead.

"It's gonna be alright, doll…"

Nothing would ever be alright anymore.

"Matt, I want—"I was about to choke when I said, 'drugs."

I didn't even know who I was. Honestly. I would have never told him that if I was wearing my CM Punk mask, never, and he'd known that so that had taken him by shock but he shook his head. "I'm not giving you any drugs. Starting today, I'm quitting. You are too."

My shoulders shook. I wanted it.

But my mind was thinking clearly.

"T-thank you," I whispered, and that shocked him as well as I drank the rest of the tea, and I stared at him, his face, his eyes, he was so beautiful… "thank you so much, Matty…I-I-I love you."

I didn't know if it was the first time I'd said it.

Funny, no?

Couples could remember their first 'I love you's even when they were in their 80's but so much had happened that I couldn't even remember or think straight.

"I love you, too, Phil," he kissed me, and I didn't say anything, I just kissed him back as I laid back down onto the bed with him, the empty mug of tea still in my hand as I placed it on the counter and I looked back at him, those beautiful, beautiful eyes that had struck me with nothing but love, they were so damn…provoking. I kissed him once more, just because I could, just because I knew that he was mine and I was his. Just because I had a sense of belonging.

* * *

When Matt had returned after too long, I had been eating lunch, barely eating but then again, I didn't want to die because I refused to eat and I didn't want him to force me to eat and there was a smile of triumph on his face as he kissed my lips, quick and fast, "he's never gonna bother you again…"

It wasn't that.

It was also the fact that whenever I heard the name Jeff or saw his shirt, which was painted into a soft green color _like his eyes_ and whenever I looked at something that might just remind me of Jeff, I would start seeing poor Matt as Jeff. And I just tried to push the thought away every time Matt kissed me.

He sat down beside me, running his hand through my arm and I felt so loved, as if his heart was sewed together with mine, as if our souls were held together, and the feeling was so beautiful…he was so beautiful…how could I—?

"Phil, do you want me to go get you a bottle of water or something?"

I shook my head. "I want you beside me."

He smiled and ran his hand down my back, caressing me, and I buried my head into his shoulder, feeling secure and safe, as if nothing could ever tear me apart from my Matt and I loved that feeling. Matt was mine and I wished he was here all the time. This was the time to make that count.

(_youjustlaywithoutasound_).

No words.

And we didn't need them.

* * *

That night, as he held me, I could feel him breathing as he slept and I thought—I thought of the pain of this world, I thought of the agony that twisted into this world, and that made me feel so destroyed on the inside, but then again, it built up my character, made me realize that there was something I could reach for…

I just needed to go back to England after all this was over.

I didn't want to be a burden on Matt…

I couldn't—

I could never be a burden on Matt.

It wasn't from my nature. I didn't want Matt to work and sweat over me and feel unappreciated…I didn't want that. I wanted him. I really did but I needed a job and that was the only job I had besides wrestling. Go back to wrestling? Be a laughing stock? CM fucking bitchy Punk?

He grunted. "What are you thinking of?"

"A job."

"You're coming back?" he raised his eyebrow and there was a joy that he tried to hide, to have me working with him once more—

But I shook my head. "I-I-I don't want walk inside and let them call me a hoe. I want—I just realized my childhood and I'm scared that if I go back…"

"You might lose yourself again?"

I nodded.

"Just one more try, for me?"

I nodded once more as he held me and for once, I did sleep, alongside of him, and I dreamt. I dreamt and I felt my heart weeping for the life that was so vividly splattered against those dreams. Simple but they were clear…they were…beautiful.

* * *

**I love you all! Now review! XP.**

**X Sam.**


	33. Chapter Thirty Three

**And…more **_**Sam-ness**_** from **_**Sam**_**. XP. Enjoy my darkened mood. I wasn't planning on what to do with this…until I just got an idea in the end. Don't worry. The story hasn't ended. I would never end this story that soon. Or maybe I might. XD.  
**

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* * *

****Chapter Thirty Three**

That day there was embarrassing.

I walked into the WWE studio and they just started to laugh and me and my heart just exploded from sheer horror as some of them made kissy faces and waved their hands around while others would just die from laughter.

"What in hell's name is he doing here?"

"He wants a quick fuck."

"Bitch."

I just couldn't handle it anymore. I just stormed out. I knew this would happen. I knew my heart would be ripped out of my chest again and as I passed towards Matt, he held onto my frail arm and looked at me. "Phil…?"

"I told you! They're all…" I could remember the look on their faces, disrespecting me…and all because they thought I was—

I was.

I was nothing but a slut.

I spent an entire year _working as a prostitute_, dammit. How could I believe that I may more of something than a prostitute? I was just that. I was just nothing and I didn't want to hurt Matt anymore by letting him carry me around with my stained name. I brought so much damn disgrace in my family.

I hated this.

I hate this.

I hate me.

I looked at Matt who shook his head and pulled his arm out. "Just-just let me take you there. They won't dare make fun of you with me around."

"No, they will!"

"Phil! They won't! Stop acting like a baby."

I stopped in my position, staring into those eyes of his and he grabbed onto my arms as I tried to move away from him but he wouldn't let me and I was stuck into his hard embrace and I still couldn't breathe well enough as I realized how tight he was holding me. "Just let go of me!"

"Phil, you gotta face this!" Matt exclaimed and his eyes were soft and hard at the same time. I tried to move away. "Phil, no!"

"They're making fun of me, Matty! I don't wanna be hurt!"

"Phil…"

"Get away from me! I don't need you anymore! JUST GO!"

Matt let go of me and I fell to the ground and I didn't care as I spit out dirt and stood up, my heart was exploding with pain and desolation and my eyes were staring up at the darkened sky around me and I just stood up once more as I ran. I ran as fast as I could and I didn't care where I was heading too.

I stopped towards a tree, and felt my heartbeat violently in my chest.

_Growl_.

I was just about to fall flat on my face because of the voice I heard but I didn't. I just started hyperventilating and I felt my heartbeat more violently by the second, I couldn't hear a voice other than the voice that was ringing into my ears, the pounding of my heart, too fast…I couldn't take it.

Growl.

I started running now. I felt something stalking me. Something was stalking me and I couldn't take it. The shadows of the darkened world were against me and I could only see a solid figure as I looked behind me and looking behind me had caused me to trip as I spat out even more dirt.

"Matt! I'm sorry! Just-"

Where in hell's name was I?

I stood up, dusting particles of dust off my shirt…I haven't been here in so long that I forgot where was where and what was what and as I ran even more, fell from the forest towards a sandy beach. I stumbled backwards, looking at the forest and waiting for something to step out then I heard…

Thunder.

I looked up at the sky, while unaware, still stepping back, to see little droplets of rain falling, the sky was crying so damn violently and I felt my feet hit against rocks but I didn't stop stepping back until I felt something damp and I fell, deep into the cold water. I stood up, against the shallow end, thankful for the fact that I didn't step deep into the water.

I stared down at the water.

Just do it.

End my life.

Right now.

I had nothing else to live for…

Matt couldn't save me now.

I stepped deeper and deeper into the water…until I felt my breath collapse and I just jump into a deeper end…particles of water around me, darkness condensed…I couldn't breathe…and no one could save me now.

* * *

**There's about… three more chapters? Well, it's so gonna be over and I'm so going to miss it. MY FIRST CHIPMUNKAH STORY. **

**X Sam.**


	34. Chapter Thirty Four

**I haz nothing to say. Except thanks to all my reviewers.  
**

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* * *

Chapter Thirty Four**

_Matt runs after him._

_**Dammit, I'm sorry…just…**_

_When he'd seen his Phil walk towards the water, he doesn't know what to think, he just freezes in his place and he just watches and he knows that Phil isn't going to jump in the water—he's terrified of the water—but as he sees his Phil walk deeper and deeper, his heart races and he forgets how to move and when Phil's deep into the water, deep enough to die, Matt just races out, his heart bursting and pumping with electricity and he dives into the water, his arms wrapped around anything solid and when his hands finally find Phil's waist, his heart start to beat just a little slower as he reaches the surface. He pulls Phil's face first, not knowing how long that Phil's spent without air._

_He pulls Phil towards the hot, sandy beach, laying him down onto the floor and watching those eyes glisten as they slowly open, slowly, oh so slowly._

_Matt rushes by his side, watching as water chokes his throat and he's unable to breath, spitting and spluttering acidic water and Matt just holds onto Phil's shoulder, staring at those olive eyes._

"_Phil…" Matt's voice is barely a whisper._

_Phil holds onto Matt's shoulders. "If I die…"_

"_You're not gonna die! Phil, no! God wouldn't do this to me! He wouldn't take me away from you…before I got a chance to…" Matt's eyes are trailing up and down Phil's body. "Not before I spend a day with you…showing you how much I love you…" now, Matt's eyes are on Phil's eyes. "I want you. I want to marry you. I want to adopt kids with you, this can't end right now!"_

"_M-marry me?" Phil chokes out, holding onto Matt's shoulders, 'h…have kids with me? Make a family? Matty…?"_

_Matt presses his lips against Phil's lips only to hear Phil choke onto water in his mouth, and that's what causes Matt to pull back and carry Phil, holding him, pressing his body against his chest, 'I'll take you to the hospital, Philly…"_

_Phil just stared at him._

"_Matty…"_

"_Phil, don't talk."_

"_Matty…please…I want you to kiss me."_

"_Phil, you're hurt."_

"_Matty…"_

_The only reason he's ever leaned down to kiss Phil the second time is because of that, the kiss is soft and is just a brush, it's nothing passionate and Phil seems satisfied with it as he clutches his hands onto Matt's shirt. "Matt…" Phil's voice is barely above a whisper. "Matty…"_

"_Phil…" _

* * *

_It's taking too long._

_Matt moves from place to place, his heart beating rapidly. "I'm so damn sorry, Phil," Matt tells himself and he stops in his position, sinking down to a seat and holding his head in his hands. "Dammit, I'm so damn sorry…"_

_He hears the sound of familiar footsteps and looks into the sorry eyes of Jeff Hardy. His brother. Or supposed to be. "Get away from me, Jeff."_

_"I didn't mean to-"_

_"I SAID GET AWAY! You hurt him! Look at me, right now, do you see that this is a joke? All because of you, he's gonna die probably and I can't comfort him anymore! You might've battered a life and you come here and ask for my apology?! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY FACE."_

_Jeff's eyes are bubbling with unshed tears. "I swear…I didn't know what came over me…it's the need for drugs, it's the alcohol, it's him and you…I love him, too, Matty…more than you'll ever think. He's beautiful. He's smart. He's sweet. I've fallen for him and when I saw him with you… my heart just couldn't take it. I had to make him love me, someway, and this seems like the only way…but I ended up hurting Phil and I ended up hurting you—and it's not worth anything anymore."_

_Silence roams between them._

_Matt knows that Jeff's telling the truth just by looking at those going to cry eyes._

_"What are we going to do…? What if he dies?" Matt's voice cracks. "I can't comfort him if they say that there's too much water or-or…"_

_Matt just can't take the thought of his Phil being severely injured and Jeff can see that and in moment, they're both hugging each other, their eyes bleeding with tears, sobs escaping their throats and it's not long before Jeff falls asleep and Matt puts him towards a chair, pushing back soft, thick locks away from Jeff's face._

_"Mr. Hardy…" a nurse ushers him to come inside and he holds his breath…_

* * *

I lay down on the hospital bed.

I had just snapped back into full consciousness and Matt was standing right next to me, holding my hand, in such a loose grip and I stared at him as his face shared comfort and reassurance and just as he was about to add words of solace, the Doctor had spoken up.

"Matt…Phil has a high level of viruses in his body. It's attacking his body too fast. It lives in very damp areas and since Phil had swallowed a lot of many viruses, I don't think that-"

That was enough for me to know that I was going to die, enough for me to let the tears fall out of my eyes.

Matt held me as the tears cascaded.

"I'm going to die, Matty."

He knew it too.

And he couldn't tell me anything.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for not giving you a happy family and kids and for not living a perfect, happy Cinderella life…I'm sorry-"

Matt crashed his lips down towards mine and he leaned back, his tearstained face had a glow of light due to the lights of the room. "Phil, stay with me, tell me that everything's going to be okay…I can't take this…"

I cupped his cheek and he cupped mine.

Both of our eyes staring at each other.

"It's not gonna be okay, Matty…I'm gonna die and you're going to move on…"

Matt shook his head. "I've been trying to move on for a year now. I can't. You're the only thing that keeps me alive, Phil. If you go, I'll…"

"He has one day." The Doctor just broke them out of their conversation.

"One day," Matt repeated, caressing my cheek, 'one day before you…you…die." His sobs escaped his throat and I couldn't handle it so I wrapped my arms around him, weakly, and held him as he cried and soon, he was asleep and that made me feel so peaceful, just to see him fall asleep…

I wondered if death was peaceful.

I wondered…

Before I fell asleep, right next to him, hearts beating, chests tightening and I had only one last day…

* * *

**Review? **

**X Sam.**


	35. Chapter Thirty Five

**Boy, I got a lot of reviewers. I guess that happens when you threaten the life of Phil Brooks. A lot of you cried because of this story so I felt sad when you said you wanted a happy ending. But I promise that the ending chapter (after this) won't be sad or happy-perky. I'm just not the type for happy-bubbly endings. Now, back to the story... still, the song by the Fray does not belong to me.**

**Chapter Thirty Five**

_Matt's fingers are brushing up and down Phil's skin._

_Phil's eyes slowly open and Matt and Phil's eyes lock with each other and Matt bites his lips, remembering that today's the last day they have, he holds onto Phil's figure and carries him, Phil curls up to Matt's chest and Matt kisses Phil's forehead. "I'd hate it if I spend my last day here...I'm taking you somewhere special."_

_"No water," Phil's voice is barely above a whispers, his hands clutching protectively onto Matt's shirt._

_"No water," Matt promises tenderly, walking outside of the room and telling the Doctor his arrangements and it's not long before Phil feels Matt pull him towards a cab and telling the cab driver to just drive, not mentioning anywhere, just to be free, drive off, anywhere and as Phil snuggles up to Matt, his fingers running through Matt's chest. "Matty..."_

_"We're going far, far away." Matt assures him. "No water. No Jeff. No stupid parents. Nothing."_

_"Promise?" Phil's voice is so broken that Matt is trying to hold back tears._

_"I promise."_

_It's not long before Phil finally drifts off to a sleep, his eyes softly shut and his face shining its unhealthy glow and still, Phil doesn't look any less peaceful than a child who's gone to bed, such a relaxed face, and when Matt tells him their destination, the cab driver slowly nods his head and Matt just stares back at Phil._

_His dying Phil._

_When the cab driver stops, Matt nudges Phil awake, letting those beautiful olive eyes slowly open. Those jewels of Phil's._

_Phil steps outside and realizes that they're at a house and just before Phil can fall, Matt holds onto the fatigue body and walks towards the house that Matt had rented that late night, holding Phil's hand and stepping inside, Phil stares out into the house, the beautiful, beautiful house. The walls are a creamy glow of beige and the furnutire is made out of gold, blending in, the colors are light pastels around, baby blue, soft green, rose pink, delicate yellow, and when Phil sees this, his heart's about to stop. "This place is beautiful, Matty."_

_"When my father first took my Mom out for their anniversary, they rented a house here. He said it was quiet."_

_Phil walks towards the couch and sits down, feeling warmth and security as he takes a blanket and pulls it on his lap, a soft smile smearing his face, and Matt sits down beside him. "Do you want me to tell you a secret?"_

_"There's no secret, is there?"_

_"You want to walk on water?"_

_Phil blinks at him and Matt smirks, standing up and walking off while Phil, after a while, stands up, still hugging the blanket and follows him outside, and a gasp escapes from his lips as he sees the garden around them, the astounding nature of the greener than green garden, the red roses that bloom, the sparkles of the lake, Phil just stares blankly while Matt takes his hand and pulls him away._

* * *

It wasn't long until we'd walked into a tiny, tiny 'house' that was there. It was just a hallway and that hallway had glass everywhere.

The floor had water rushing through and my stomach just churned with uneasiness but I felt Matt's hand clasping with mine and our eyes locked and for so long, I felt right, I felt safe...but I still felt so very scared. "Do you trust me, Phil?"

"I'm scared." I could only tell him the truth. I was scared out of my mind. I could feel the tears slowly threatening to fall. "I-I-I'm so scared, Matty..."

"Don't be," he held onto my hand as he pulled himself inside of the house, his feet gently tapping against the water floor while I just stood there, too traumatized to pass while I stared into his eyes. "I'm so scared of water, Matty. Please. Water...this...this...thing...is the reason for why I'm dying, inside and out. It's what broke me into pieces. It's what caused everything to go wrong. It-"

He cut me off then, his eyes twinkling with hard brownness and I just stared into those eyes as they pooled me, mesmerized me, hypnotized me into a spell that couldn't be broken and I could feel myself getting lost inside of his eyes, inside of his heart, locked away, two souls inside, forever. He held onto my hand and I refused to walk towards the glass and then, his words bubbled through the hallway. "This may be what broke both of us--but then again, water made us. Without it, I wouldn't even look at you in this light. I wouldn't even notice that you existed and you'd go on, hiding underneath your mask, plastering your emotions until you just can't...and me? I'd just make the same mistake with love over and over...but water...it made us. We had sex in water. Our relationship was founded in water. We danced in water...danced..." his eyes were filled with memory as his voice turned warmer than it already was, 'dance with me, Phil..."

I just stared. I couldn't say a word. I was too deep in thought, too terrified, too traumatized... he opened the radio that sat down on the only table that was there, and a romantic song played, just music, no words, the violin played so beautifully...

"Let's dance. Get away from this stupid, fucked up world. Just you and me."

I couldn't take his words anymore and I let his hands grab onto mine as he led me towards the water and I couldn't describe the fear that was burning into every pore of my body as he stopped all of a sudden and just stared at me, holding me into a dancing position and our body pressed and so many memories overflowed my head. _He started dancing around in the cold water, both of us burning into the coldness of the world around us, and then in the middle of it all, I didn't know what made him do it and I didn't know what made me stand here and take it but he leaned down and kissed me, kissed me hard and I just stared as I pulled off_. This time, I was the one to tip-toe on my feet to kiss him and he kissed back, instead of that broken kiss of shattered passion, I tasted a kiss filled with heat and energy.

He made me want to bounce, leave this world with him, just get locked away into our thoughts forever, away from the world...

He pulled out a black box from his pocket, "I wanted to give you this."

I already knew that it was a ring but the shock was still there as my hand shakily reached out for the box in his hand and I opened it, I opened to see the beautiful dazzling ruby stone that sat across the silver ring and my heart was just about to stop as I felt tears burn. It was astounding. Beautiful. He took the tiny piece of jewelry and slid it in my finger and I just stared. "But I'm gonna die..." the way my voice had cracked badly, it made me feel sick.

"And that ring means that you're mine." The thought made me feel warmer on the inside, 'that ring means that we're bonded by engagement. Besides, I don't want all the other angels claiming you, would I?"

I just stared down back at the ruby stone and I could see a tear slide down onto the jewel and just before I could say anything, he clasped a hand on my shoulder and pulled me for a kiss, tongues explored, the taste of his mouth was exotic and filled with sweetness and life. The sugar that was trapped in his tongue, the remains of what he had eaten a time ago, was now in my mouth and I leaned back from him, breathless as he kissed my nose, quickly.

Just then, the melodic violin music had stopped and another song was played. A song that I knew all too well.

_"Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend. Somewhere along in the bitterness. And I would have stayed up with you all night. Had I known how to save a life..."_

Matt and mine's eyes locked with each other. "Could I have saved you...?" his voice was so soft, so broken.

I shook my head, allowing the tears to slide off my eyes, 'no one could've..."

_"As he begins to raise his voice. You lower yours and grant him one last choice. Drive until you lose the road. Or break with the ones you've followed. He will do one of two things. He will admit to everything. Or he'll say he's just not the same. And you'll begin to wonder why you came..."_

Then he wrapped his arms around me and I knew, I just knew, that he knew that I was about to cry even harder and I let my head soak his t-shirt as I sobbed and cried, over the inevitable death that would be too soon, my arms around his waist...he was my angel in grace and I couldn't leave him here, all alone, away from me...I didn't want to leave him alone. I wanted to stay with him, with our hearts sewed together and the strings of our pain gone to pieces.

Taking me away would be ripping two hearts away.

Too painful to feel and endure. I just didn't want it to happen...I...

I...

_"Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend. Somewhere along in the bitterness. And I would have stayed up with you all night. Had I known how to save a life..."_

* * *

_Matt flops down on the soft green bed and his body's shaking with pleasure as Phil wears the last piece of Matt's clothing, causing him to giggle at the oversized clothes and Phil jumps up next to him, both of their bodies pressing against each other, gracefully and Phil snuggles towards Matt's chest. _

_"Matt..." Phil starts, his eyes watering. "Tomorrow, I'm not gonna wake up...I..."_

_Matt puts a finger on Phil's soft pink lips. "Shhh..."_

_Matt holds onto Phil's body, his arm wrapping around Phil's waist, "shhh..." his voice is soft and delicate and Matt presses a kiss on his forehead as Phil snuggles inside of his chest and before the hour ends, Phil's tear tracks have dried and nothing is left but a sticky substance of his tears on his face and the silence roams as Matt runs his hand through the silky black hair. Phil chuckles. "I haven't worn my CM Punk mask in such a long time. I don't even know what _he _looks like anymore."_

_"I don't want you to wear a mask. I love your face. Your soft, beautiful face... and those eyes...those adorable olive eyes..." that are gonna be closed in the morning, still._

_"I don't wanna fall asleep..."_

_"Go to sleep, Phil. I'll be here..."_

_Phil looks up at Matt, those innocent puffy eyes staring at him, 'I don't...I'm scared...I-"_

_Matt kisses him, the last kiss they'll ever share, before he pulls back, tasting the faint taste of Pepsi and candy mixed in, the taste becomes stronger as he licks his lips and he holds onto Phil as Phil falls asleep, running his hand through his hair, feeling every breath that falls out of Phil's mouth and not later than 1:00 AM had he felt Phil completely stop breathing and his eyes bubble with tears that fall too fast as he holds onto Phil's body, his sobs escaping, his throat aching and he doesn't really care anymore, his Phil...his ruptured, so much in pain Phil..._

_And the taste of Phil is still in Matt's mouth..._

_"I stayed up with you all night...how could I not know how to save your life, Philly?"_

_Even more sobs fall._

_"Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend..." his voice is brittle and broken but he sings just because it's his and Phil's song, it's the song that have words that mean so much, a lullaby for the corpse right next to him. "Somewhere along in the bitterness...and I would have stayed up with you all night...had I known how to save a life...h-h-how to save a life..."  
_

* * *

**I knowz. It's very, very depressing but I didn't know how to end it with a happy ending. Still, the next chapter will be fluffier...I SWEAR! It's not gonna be a perky-happy ending but it will make you cry. **

**X Sam.**


	36. Chapter Thirty Six

**To my anonymous reviewer, **_**Chip MUNK**_**, well, yeah, I really do need some happy Matt/Punk to make you happy. X3. **

**It is a sad ending I suppose…here's the very short last chappie. I know. I used the lyrics way too much in the entire thing overall but the lyrics are prior to the story...& it made an ending that I could like so...X3. The chappie's in MATT'S POV.**

**

* * *

****Chapter Thirty Six**

* * *

sometimes, i wonder why i didn't die when you did.

* * *

_You're no longer a wrestler._

How could I when all I could remember was you?

_You're still in pain._

How do you move on when the only person you'd ever truly loved was suddenly ripped apart from your hands?

**I w-w-w-w-w-want to die but I don't because I-I-I try to be strong.**

I wanted to hold him one last time when I brought that body towards the ocean and my fingers were running through the jet black hair of his and I heard Jeff calling me insane but I knew what I had to do and I knew that I didn't want Phil to be buried underneath piles of crushed dirt, this was the course of our relationship and he wanted to be alone and he wanted to be special and he was special and the water was the only thing that based our relationship. It was the core, the soul, the heart of us all, stitched us both together and he belonged in the ocean.

I just laid the body down towards the water, the peacefulness of that face, his soft jet black hair scattered into the water, all damp, and I held onto his face. The insanity of me just getting worse and worse before I held onto that body and pulled him towards the ocean.

Our souls.

Our blood.

Our marks.

All in the ocean.

We will be lost forever from the world and I wanted this for him.

**and your eyes are still s-s-s-so closed.**

I looked down at that beautiful, graceful face.

**and...open your eyes.**

**look at me.**

**breathe...for me...**

**breathe...for us...**

**d-d-don't make this end-**

**i can't believe he's gone.**

_You just can't understand why you're still alive when you're so fucking dead inside._

* * *

they just don't understand.

**_(matty, cheer up. he's in a better place now. he doesn't want you to sulk around after his death.)_**

he d-didn't want to die either!

HE DIDN'T! 

IT'S SO FUCKING UNFAIR!

...and he still died anyways...

...gone...

...i can still feel him.

...air....

...Phil.

* * *

_"Step one you say we need to talk..."_

That song.

**IS MADE OF NIGHTMARES.**

I visited the water.

Ran my hand through the surface.

And I thought I heard you sing.

I thought...

Are you still here, my love?

I can feel...

**b-b-breathe**.

"Talk to me, Phil."

**_breathe_**.

The wind.

The water.

The hot sand.

He was everywhere.

**_Breathe_**.

* * *

everything froze.

* * *

I just stepped in the water.

Kept on going.

Choked myself.

Suffocating.

I didn't care.

All I could feel was Phil's body pressing against mine before I couldn't...

**b-b-breathe**.

* * *

and the sweet heart of you still beats.

* * *

I walked through the floaty clouds.

It was beautiful here, sweet scents and loving warm smiles and for one moment everything seemed right and then, I twisted my head and my eyes met his eyes, his beautiful olive eyes, after so long, a smile smeared on both of our faces as we embraced and kissed and... he leaned away, his eyes bubbling with tears, as his hands wrapped around my neck and I knew that life didn't matter right now.

I could feel him melting into my arms.

_--I love you, Phil--_

I kissed him on the top of his forehead. My angel of beauty.

_--I love you, Matt--_

No Jeff.

No stupid parents.

No water.

Nothing.

Just far, far away from everything.

* * *

just you and me...forever.

* * *

**That was so...suckish.**

**But I needed to make an ending that wouldn't be too dark yet not too happy.**

**It was a mixture of both. I think?  
**

**& that would be the end of '_How to Save a Life_'. **

**Thanks, sweethearts for all those who followed this fic, you guys are the best! I would tell you that I'm working on something else but I'm not...maybe I'm considering writing another one-shot...but nothing full-pledged until '_Twisted_' or '_Alone_' are completed. Thank you, everyone, for reading! You guys are the best! X3.**

**Til next time, darlings!**

**X Sam.**


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